Friday November 30^th

Have you ever wanted to just throw up your hands and scream, "I give up!?" Today is one of those days for me. I spent the week figuring out the bills for the next two paychecks to estimate how much money we may have for Christmas. I want so badly to go to Pennsylvania but I fear we just don't have the funds for it. So I get the bills all figured out and if we scrimp and play "homeless" for the next 14 days we should have a small amount to pick up a few gifts for Becca (yep - no gifts for her yet) and be able to afford gas to dads. I don't know how we'll get home but I know we'll have enough to get up there.

And then, my world crashes down on me AGAIN! I screamed, pulled hair out and cursed the air blue. An unexpected bill came in that must be paid NOW and then to pour salt in the wounds and rub it raw - I left the house at 8:45 after starting a load of laundry, when I returned 2 ½ hours later, this same load of laundry was still going. HUH? Yep, still going and I don't know why. So, I stand there and watch the cycle do its thing. It filled up, shook up the clothes then hummmmmed and hummmmmed and hummed - all the way through the normal cycle, all the way through the OFF area and then all the way through the whites cycle - WHAT THE HELL? It won't drain, it won't spin out and the dial keeps going even when it's supposed to be off. I freaking can't handle buying a new washer at this moment. I JUST FREAKING CAN'T!

It's not official yet but it looks like Europe is out this summer. I thought I caught a break by talking someone into making the remainder of the 3^rd  installment but unfortunately 10 days after it was due, I found out my donor changed their minds and didn't want to help out. No problem except I spent the money I was going to use for the payment on bills. So, after a huge fight with Becca and a lot of tears we've decided to withdraw her name from the program. She's heartbroken but understands we'll try again for the 2009 recruitment. I don't know how they refund the money; whether it's in one lump payment or separate payments to those who donated but when I find out, I'll let all the donors know. If they'd like to just transfer their donation over to her DC trip we can do that or we'll issue a full refund. Thanks again for all your help and support. We really appreciate it!

I finally finished all my courses to earn my CDA. WOO HOO! I finally finished something! I got so into the last 3 books that I decided to continue my education in child care. I'm taking courses to get licensed to open my own home day care with the hopes of opening my own business sometime in the future (after trying a home day care for a bit). I'm really excited. Hopefully I'll have everything I need to get done before we move into the new house so I can start the day care as soon as we have the house ready.

The house has been on the market for almost a month and we haven't had one visitor. I was to the point where I was going to call the realtor and find out what the heck was going on when he emailed me to let me know he's had several calls concerning the house but after they hear the price, they never call back. UGH! So, we decided to reduce the price a little and see if that would help. I am so stressed over this, I'm in a constant panic that we're not going to sell this house before the new one is ready, we're not going to be able to get the new house and I'll never get out of this area! I'm going crazy! Can't I have just a little bit of luck thrown my way? Am I really that bad that I can't have just a tiny bit of luck?? I'm in such a funk that I can't get into the holiday spirit - BAH HUMBUG! The house can't be decorated (too much) it's freaking HOT outside and I can't go and see the snow! UGH! Life so totally sucks right now!

Huh, guess I'm having a little temper tantrum tonight. Who knew?

Well, on a good note, I do have to say it's been great having Chris home every night for the past few weeks. It's been totally awesome, actually. I'm going to hate it when he goes back to his traveling schedule after the first of the year. But, it's wonderful having him home and having our family complete. They only one we are missing now is Pagan who is visiting his grandparents for a few weeks until we sell the house. It's quiet around here without him and Luna is just crazy without him. I've spent the past week re-training her on where to eat and go potty. She's not had any accidents in the house but she refuses to go to the bathroom outside with out someone standing out there with her. It's the weirdest thing; she acts like she has no idea how to pee without Pagan. Becca has been teaching her a few tricks and she picks them up quick. It's cool to see her shake hands, lie down and play dead. Well, the play dead is still a work in progress but it's getting there.

Monday November 19^th

Okay, so obviously I've got some issues to work through. I got a little too emotional on the previous post. Sorry about that...

We're working on some new ideas to spruce up the website. We are thinking of doing a food critic page where I rate the local restaurants. I know, I know - been there, done that but we've been trying out some new places and I thought it'd be cute to rate them. We're also working on a page for Becca. She wants a place to write her thoughts and ideas too. We also thought it'd be a good place to write about her journey with People to People beginning with DC and ending with Europe. She wants a place to put her pictures and write about all her new friends she'll be meeting. Cool idea I think. By the way, speaking of Europe; I need to send out some BIG THANK YOU's!!!

Mrs. Atter & Mrs. Butler - Becca's former pre-school teachers

Great Grandma Esther

Poppie & Grandmama

Aunt Susan (Chris's aunt)

Thom &Kate

Thank you very much for your generous donations! Your help and support is greatly appreciated. Becca is very excited about her European trip and your donations have helped a lot towards that enormous bill she has!!!! Thank you notes from Becca are coming soon. No Excuse for the tardiness other than.... She's been REAL BUSY!!! HONEST! She'll be spending her Thanksgiving holiday catching up on her reading, People to People assignments and THANK YOU CARDS!

We had our first Social for the Europe trip where the children were able to meet each other and their chaperones. So far Becca has a total of 8 children in her group and her chaperone is a wonderful lady. If I can ever get over the terror of the thought of Becca being so far away from me for so many days, I think I can be relieved that she has a great teacher taking care of her for the trip.

I realized the other day how much I totally adore my husband and how much I am still so totally in love with him. While I was writing my grocery list I asked Chris what he'd like for dinner the next few nights (since he's finally able to be home for a few days). Being out on the road, eating meal after meal in a restaurant, I figured I could whip up a homemade meal or two for him while he was home. His response was quick and made my heart flutter. He wanted a roast with mashed potatoes and for an appetizer a pound of boiled shrimp. Now, you ask why does that make your heart go all a flutter? Well, that was the first meal I ever cooked him way back when we were dating. I wanted to impress this cute boy I loved with a meal prepared all by myself. It was a success though the meat was over done just a bit; after all, he married me didn't he??? Anyway, so I went to the store and bought my groceries and started my dinner. As I cooked my mind wandered back to those days, those carefree fun days when Chris and I would hang out together, walk the mall or the landing holding hands and laughing, slowly falling in love with each other and then I thought about the man currently sitting in the other room playing on his computer while our daughter sat next to him playing on her computer. I'm standing in the kitchen preparing their nightly meal and the love just poured right over me; I couldn't help but smile.
After all these years, after all the struggles, fights and hard times, after all the laughter, tears and heartaches, I still love this man with all my heart and soul, but I am also so totally in love with him I don't know what I'd do without him by my side. And for that moment, I felt like that young girl, giddy in love, hoping to impress her boyfriend by making him a home cooked meal for the first time hoping she'd be able to do it time and time again.  It was an awesome moment. Too bad it was ruined by the dog throwing up on my brand new carpet, Chris yelling at Becca for some reason or another and Becca storming off to her room crying and slamming the door. But, the meal was great and I do have to say, a bit better than the first one I ever cooked it.

My dad called me the other day; he spent another afternoon in the emergency room again. He may as well just rent a room as he seems to be visiting there quite a bit lately. This time was not his fault, or actually it was because he didn't use common sense. Dad, Liz and Uncle Dick went to pick up hay for the horses. When they got back to the house, dad got out of the truck to help Uncle Dick back his way into the barn so they could pile up the hay. Unfortunately, dad forgot that the barn is an inanimate object and if you stand in front of the door and a truck backs into the door, you will get squooshed! Uncle Dick backed right into my dad, squishing him between the back bumper and the barn door. Luckily he didn't break anything but he did bruise some stomach muscles and his pancreas. They took some X-rays and an MRI to rule out any major damage but didn't find anything bad. They are concerned about the pancreas but said a little rest and no heavy lifting should help ease his pain.
Sometimes I feel like Chris & I are on the right track at staying here in Florida and letting Becca finish school but then days like this, I fear we should get up there and take care of him before he ends up killing himself. He scares me so much being up there alone! I don't know what I'd do if I lost him too. I do hope our plans to visit over Christmas won't be cancelled. I can't wait to get up there and give him a great big hug. I miss my dad so much and Liz too. Hopefully, if all goes well and our bills don't change, I'll be able to spend a couple of days with them at Christmas since we weren't able to get up there this week for Thanksgiving.  

Sunday November 18^th

Ok, so it's been quite awhile since I've posted last. Our life has been anything but normal in the past month and there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for everything needing to get done.

First I'd like to say a great big thank you to Wade, Dianne, Lisa, Tom, Zephyr, Thom, Kate, Mike, Diane, Hefner, my wonderful mother in law, my brother in law; Jeff and sister in law; Trisha for taking time out of their own busy lives to help us on the huge project of getting this house on the market. I'd also like to thank my nephew Gavin for working his butt off and actually getting Becca to do some manual labor here at the house. Gavin kicked butt shoveling dirt and hauling out debris. After many weeks of hard labor, back breaking pain and buckets filled with tears the house is finally on the market and looking damn good. We wouldn't have been able to pull this off if it hadn't been for so many friends and family members coming out and breaking their backs to help us. So thank you so much everyone - you guys are great!

We completed our 1^st quarter of 6^th grade and it ended a lot better than we'd thought. Becca brought home 5 A's and one B on her report card. She's totally ticked off at herself on the B because she lost the A due to her final exam in Advanced Science. She was sick the day of the test, took the test during 2^nd period (instead of 6^th) because she wanted to go home. The next day when she got to her 6^th period science class, the teacher handed her a fresh test and told her to take it over - she got an F on the 1^st one and since she was sick he was going to allow her to do it again. (Chuckle here) The next day when she returned to class again and asked how she did he said, "Not much better". She got a D on that one which brought her hard earned A to a B in a blink of an eye. Since then, she's done every extra credit possible to keep her "A" status. Hey, I'm just tickled she's fighting for it. From what I hear, the test was pretty hard. There were 2 A's in the class, 4 B's and the remainder of the class received C's or below. Becca's biggest competition in the class received a low C so it had to be hard.

We went to festival last weekend and though I was only there a few days, I had a wonderful time. I keep meaning to get there earlier each year but each year I'm only able to spend a day or two there and I seem to be missing out on all the fun. This time, other than Becca's school that kept us away, it was my poutiness/childishness that kept me away during the day. Becca wasn't able to take off of school because there were too many activities she couldn't afford to miss. I wouldn't have been able to stay the night but the days I could have spent hanging out and helping out. Even though I've gone to many festivals, I still feel like I don't belong, like I'm an outsider looking in and observing. It's not the people or the atmosphere, it's me and my terror of letting go and having fun. I felt I had no purpose and I just didn't belong without a purpose (if that makes sense). Well, I was given a purpose and reason to belong a few festivals ago being in charge of desserts and where I wasn't as "important" as the guardians, the kitchen staff, or fire tenders, I had a sense of self worth because I was contributing to the community and had that sense of belonging.
Due to the stress of the past few months and everything we had to get done around here at the house and with Becca and her schooling, I was told that I didn't need to do my "purpose"- the desserts. They could do without me this time so it would ease my mind and stress level not to have to worry about that one more thing....and where my head said, "YES! WOO HOO, I don't have to spend hours on my feet cooking and baking, I don't have to worry about finishing up the house before a certain day to get it all ready"; my heart was broken and I was crushed. I'm not needed, I'm not wanted; I have no purpose. BOO HOO, cry me a river. I'm sure you all know I take everything to heart and go all drama like when I'm told I'm not needed. So I sulked and I moped and I pouted like a little baby because nobody loves me and nobody needs me. I went out on Friday and helped out in the kitchen (boy is it hard not to be the one in charge in the kitchen as I am here in the house...and taking orders from CHRIS??? HA!) Actually, I have a blast working the kitchen there. Chris and Zephyr are pretty good at bossing me around (and being aware of my sensitive feelings) and I enjoy being the helper and not the chef.

I decided this festival that I need to hit a festival without Becca once more. I just can't let go of myself and my mind with her there. That sounds terrible of me doesn't it? It's not meant to. I remember my first festival a few years back. I came out with Chris to check things out and make sure it was "safe" for Becca to come out. After walking around the first day terrified I'd see people sacrificing chickens and virgins and doing crazy weird things, I was able to relax and soak up the ambiance. I don't know what it was that first time but I felt something that night at my first fire/ritual that I've never felt since. Was it me, allowing myself to open up and just feel the world around me? Was it me, getting caught up in the drumming, dancing and fires around me? Or did I actually experience something magical and wonderful? Or was it my imagination? Did I let all that crazy stuff people told me mess with my imagination? Anyway, since then, Becca has come to each festival with us because not only do I love it, but she loves it too. She loves the freedom of being able to be outside and with others and not have to worry about where she is, what she's doing or who's going to be around the next corner. She feels safe, loved and free and I'm glad we're able to give her that.
Me; on the other hand, can't let go of "mommy mode". I keep checking around that corner, I keep checking to be sure she's safe. I keep worrying that Jason or Freddy or the boogie man is going to get her or she's freeze to death if I leave her in the tent at night to sit by the fire. When it's dark, she's with me (at my insistence) and unfortunately, that leaves me with my defenses up and no way for the magic of the fire and drumming to reach me. When we drove out Friday Becca and I had a talk about letting mom "relax" this time. Life has been very stressful and mommy wants to sit and relax by the fire.  Becca was going to have Julia all to herself this festival so she could go and hang with J and mommy could relax and let go.
NOT! It didn't work out that way, I was cold, miserable and frustrated with myself, and Becca that the 1^st night we left the fire before the drumming even got started and the 2^nd night I think I was able to enjoy maybe an hour of it and was so tense I couldn't even enjoy the warmth of the fire. I pissed myself off, Chris was pissed and Becca ended up crying. Gee, sounds like home huh? So in that moment, I decided, I was going to pick a festival that I could go to and leave Becca at home to see if it was my imagination or is there really magic in the air for me to take hold of and envelop. GOD, I'm so selfish huh? Am I so selfish as to want just a few hours to sit and stare at a beautiful fire? Am I so selfish as to want to just gaze into the sky and let the sound of drums wash away my fears, worries and duties? Is it selfish of me to just want to BREATHE for a minute, to be me? I close my eyes and all I see is a grey concrete wall. I can't get it to come down, I can't break it. It's been there so long and no matter what I do, I can't crack it.  WOW! Got a little emotional there.. taking a break now....