September 2007

September 2007

Saturday September 29^th

Future OEA meeting...

"Hello, my name is Teresa and I am an over eater" or as my sister in law so aptly said today; a closet eater. It started many years ago, at the age of 12. It started the year I moved to this god forsaken state of Florida. I left my friends and family, I lost my security blanket and the place I loved. From then on, the only thing that made me happy was food. I've tried diet after diet, exercise and starving myself. I've gone to doctors, dieticians, nutritionist; nothing seems to help. Food is my comfort and the only time I am happy is when I'm gorging on food. I have no will power, I am weak and even the promise of true happiness (pregnancy) can not stop me from shoveling food into my fat face.

This week has been horrible as the food continually flows into my mouth. Becca and I have fought continuously everyday. I can't seem to do anything right, at least nothing that makes her happy. I know it's a "girl" thing or a "kid thing" but I can definitely say, I NEVER treated my mom the way she does me. Chris says I should "pop" her when she gets that way but I just can't bring myself to do it. I was never spanked when I was a kid, and I just feel like that's a loss of control situation. Hitting is not good but so far everything I've tried only upsets me; it doesn't bother her at all. She just glares at me or smirks. Whichever pisses me off the most at the time. I keep thinking back to my childhood. I was never one to back talk or throw a fit when my parents told me to do something. (That was Karen's thing) It wasn't a fear of my parents but more of a, Respect? Fear of disappointment? I don't know. If they said to do something, I did it. No ifs, ands or buts... So why am I constantly butting heads with her? I just want to scream. I'm such a terrible mom.

This house situation is way out of control too. I walk into a room and just want to curl up and cry at the disaster. We have so much JUNK; so much crap but nothing I can get rid of. I just don't know what to do, it's all so overwhelming. I just want to shovel it all in the back yard and have a big bonfire! Instead, I just sit in my chair all curled up in a ball and shovel in Oreo ice cream by the table spoon. There are days I almost wish the phone call comes in to say we can't have the house. But then there are days I am just so excited I can't think straight. I can't wait to get into the new house; the house WE designed; the house of our dreams.

Becca had her first interview last week for the Student Ambassador program. Again, there are days I am so excited that my little girl will have such a wonderful opportunity. An opportunity I could never dream of having but then there are the days I almost wish it won't come true because I dread trying to come up with such a large amount of money in such a short time. It's all so overwhelming and I just don't see how we can do it all within the next 6 months. HOW!?!?!?! Becca got the phone call last night that she is scheduled for her 2^nd interview next week. After this meeting, they'll make the decision as to whether she's accepted or not. So far the delegate leaders seem impressed with her attitude and maturity level. Hopefully, all will go well Tuesday.

So, who's afraid of the big bad dark? Who is afraid of being ALONE in the dark? ME ME ME! Tonight marks the very first night in my entire life that I will be absolutely alone for the entire night. It's going to be FUN FUN - and yes - insert sarcasm here. I have this absolute fear of being alone at night. I am so totally terrified. Even after Chris and I were married, I'd still head over to stay with mom if Chris ever had to be out of town for the night. So, needless to say, now that mom has passed, dad & Liz are in PA and Zephyr moved out, I have had serious issues 4 out of 7 days of the week. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. But, Becca and I have a great schedule and I've been able to keep my sanity in tact so far. Until tonight..... Becca was invited to spend the night with her cousin Nic tonight and where my first response was an absolute freak out of NO! I calmly accepted the fact that I'm going to have to face my terror and stay here in this house all by myself. Bless Tammy's heart though.... She was kind enough to invite me over tonight knowing my fear. Unfortunately, I felt Becca and I needed a break from each other since we've been at each others throats for the past couple of days. SO, After Becca left, I ran up and got me some dinner (that sucked by the way) and a LARGE bottle of wine. I've picked out a handful of sappy movies and have parked myself in the rocking chair to eat, drink (heavily) and enjoy movies all night. I figure I can stay up all night and then fall asleep at dawn - when the boogie man goes to sleep.

I've been neglecting my cell phone lately, so I've got a handful of phone calls to make tonight. Between my Freddy and Zephyr, I think my phone has rung 20 times this week. OOOPS! I guess I should return the calls. I hate phones!!!! I'm trying to convince my Freddy into coming down here for a visit. He wants to see what's keeping us down here instead of heading back up North where we belong. Some days it's hard to remember why we're staying here instead of heading north. Some days I wonder if we've made the right decision. If we were up north, maybe Chris would be home more often. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm going crazy and need to be committed. Maybe I'd stop eating so much. Maybe I'd be happy. I long for the old days when we were all happy; when we were all friends.

Monday September 24^th

Calgon - Take me away! This weekend was a blur of activity; I don't think we got any rest. Thursday night Chris found out he was scheduled to head out to Puerto Rico Sunday so Friday was a rush of shipping off equipment, packing 2 weeks worth of clothes and finding a place to set a POD. Saturday was Rebecca's birthday party - FINALLY and boy am I glad that is over. She requested a skating party and I forgot how crowded and noisy those places could be. It was a great success and Becca was happy to finally have a birthday party with her friends. Saturday night Becca had two friends spend the night and we were able to hang out with friends we hadn't seen in many many months. We spent Friday night and Saturday morning loading the POD with all of our "big stuff" so Saturday night the house was an absolute disaster and it was quite embarrassing to have guests visiting. But, we had a great time and didn't get to bed until 3am.

Sunday morning we woke to a flurry of activity. We had to get the girls up, fed and cleaned up by noon to get them home and get Chris to the airport on time to check in and catch his flight.

Becca and I are now ready to get this house in order. We've got boxes to pack, clothes to get rid of and garbage to throw away. We want to get as much done as possible before Chris gets home so we can be ready to paint, landscape and remove carpet. I am so ready to get out of this house.

Wednesday September 19^th

Well the official progress report came out today and Becca pulled it off again. Straight A's so far. WOO HOO! I don't know if I can handle another 6 years of this. She's killing me. I've got a story about one of her teachers and her grade... but I'll hold that off until tomorrow.. I've got too much of a headache to get into that one right now....

I seriously think I need a job. Maybe then I can get some free time to myself. It seems like now that I'm at home all the time, I get no work done because I'm running errands to running up to the school. Geesh, give a girl a break. This single mom crap sucks! (JUST KIDDIN' CHRIS) Three times this month I've had to be at more then one place at the same time. Is 6:30 the magical time of the day? Tomorrow I have to be at Becca's school at 6:30 for parent night (another mandatory 6^th grade thing) and be at a Girl Scout meeting at the same time. How do I do this? AGAIN! I swear I've been to Bec's new school more in the past 5 weeks than I've been to her previous school the 3 years she was there. It's so frustrating. I know its college prep but prep the child - not the parent! What ever happened to sending paperwork home? I've got to be there next week for a volunteer training class too! Oh and the following week to for a scheduled meeting with her gifted counselor. I may as well just live up there. Okay, done with the bitching there....

The house is a disaster and in serious need of some sage...Not only am I stirring up memories as I pack up this house we've lived in for 14 years, but I believe I'm stirring up spirits or ghosts or whatever as well. Creepy things have been happening to me this week and being here by myself is so not working for me right now. The other morning I woke up with the smell of burning/roasting marshmallows. I swear I could taste them it was so strong. I searched the whole house and damned if we didn't have any marshmallows here! Today, after taking a shower, I walked into the hallway and was overwhelmed with the smell of cigarette smoke. It was like someone had just spent the day smoking in the house. I searched the house, looking for Chris or anyone for that matter because the smell was so strong I just knew someone was here. But, no one was here except me and the dogs. TOO CREEPY! Shadows are every where - YIKES!

I miss my pictures... I should have waited until the last minute to take them down. It sucks not seeing them on the walls. I just wanna cry. (Pity party time)

Nothing else has been going on lately, just busy work I guess. Becca goes to her first interview Monday for People to People. Hopefully, we'll find out soon whether she's been accepted or not to go to Europe. She's really excited about going. Unfortunately, I'm starting to worry more and more about it. I just can't see me letting my baby go so far away from me at such a young age. I think I'll have a nervous breakdown!!!

GOD! I'm a chronic complainer aren't I??? Oh well, off to bed... maybe tomorrow will be a better day?

Monday September 17^th

I'm in another funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and never come out. I can't stop feeling that urge to cry. Why? Maybe I'm just getting old?

My plan was to write a quick note about Becca and school last week. My plan was to say that Becca was adjusting well and seems to be doing a lot better with her organization, sleeping and crankiness. I WAS going to say that... until she came home Friday and told me about her day. Now, I'm all for the "socialization" at school but I'll be damned if having friends is more important than school. Becca came home from school on Friday and informed me that she was sick and tired of her best friend Madeline and that she was going to search for a new friend because Maddy is driving her crazy. Apparently, Becca is the "bus clown". She's not one to cause trouble but she is one to crack everyone up and keep them laughing throughout their trip to and from school. From what I've heard, Becca has been cracking jokes but Maddy has been taking the credit for most of them which in the end - pisses Becca off. It got to the point that Friday morning was the last straw and Becca threw a fit and changed seats on the bus, sitting as far away from Maddy as possible; causing Maddy to cry. Maddy cried the whole way to school and of course how things go.... The kids chose sides. At school, Becca tried to apologize for her outburst but one of Maddy's "protectors" screamed (repeatedly) SHUT UP in Becca's face causing her to throw up her hands and say I give up. Unfortunately, a teacher saw this and sent both Maddy and Rebecca to the guidance counselor's office to "discuss" the situation. The girls were not in trouble yet the counselor wanted to give them "guidance". Luckily this was all before the first bell rang so neither girl missed any school time for childish behavior. They resolved the pettiness and though Becca is still holding a grudge, all seems to be well with the best friends (or so Maddy thinks) UGH! Give me a break. School is so not the time for friendships! It's for work and study. Concentrate on your work - not your social skills! I know, I know, that's a ridiculous statement but I'll be damned if I have to head down to school because these GIRLS can't stop bitching at each other. UGH! I thought this crap wasn't supposed to start until high school? I can guaran-damn-tee my parents didn't have to deal with this crap with me! Well, actually they did (and in 6^th grade if I remember correctly) but it was with a stupid yucky boy... not one of my girl friends and HE started it! Just because I wouldn't be his friend - boys are so dumb! (BTW- The dumb boy did call me to wish me a happy birthday tonight- I guess he can't be too bad after all these years) Anyway, Becca is doing well. Her first progress report comes out this Wednesday and it looks like so far we have 2 A's and 1 B. Not too bad I think.

We're all recovering from colds AGAIN but it looks like it hit Chris the hardest. He headed off to Georgia this morning against my wishes. I wanted him to call in sick and sleep all day. He sounded awful and I know he felt terrible. But, he wanted to prove a point to Becca; even if you're sick, you still have to go to work. I just hope his stubborn ass doesn't end up in the hospital.

The packing of the house is daunting. Every room is a disaster, every available space is covered. I walk into a room and just want to cry - because I have no idea where to start. I need to clean one room out to pile all the packed stuff in there but I can't clean out that one room until I clean out another to put the stuff in the one room in... Confusing? Try being here. This is utter chaos and I hate chaos. I am so out of my league here. I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to take a breath, order a POD and wait for Chris to come home. When he gets home, we'll start filling up the POD and then I'll have space to store my crap. OHH My head hurts!

So, I got a bunch of phone calls and emails the past few days from well wishers - wishing me a Happy Birthday. Thank you all for such wonderful wishes! I even had a few singers in the calls too, which was pretty cool. Of course, I got a lot of calls and emails calling me - Old Hag, Old Bat and the kicker from my darling nephew Jeremy - GRANDMA! Those of you with those comments - HA! I'm still younger than you guys! (well, except for Jeremy) And guess what? Hell froze over! I actually got a text message from my sister! Yep, after 2 ½ months of silence, my cell phone beeped and I had a message from my sister saying, HAPPY BIRTHDAY - I LOVE YOU! Wow, I never thought I'd hear from her again. She didn't call me but she did send me a note....

Nothing much went on today, With Chris in GA and Becca at school, the only company I had were Pagan and Luna. Luna spent most of the day cowering in my lap because she was afraid of the heavy rain and thunder. Pagan just slept all day. I got a little cleaning done and work on the computer - couldn't watch television cause the TV was out due to the rain. Direct TV - SUCKS!

By the way....

Tomorrow is my darling Chris Honey's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING!

I wish you were here......

Wednesday September 12^th

I sit here writing tonight with a heavy heart and tears flowing down my face. I'm such a baby but I just can't help myself.

Two days earlier.....

The realtor came out to the house to give us pointers on what we can do to get the most out of this house. For starters, we have to slap on a fresh coat of paint both inside and out, clean up the front & back yard making it neat and "lovely", empty out most of the rooms so that they don't have that "cluttered" look and most important of all, we need to "de-personalize" the house. Easy enough right? NOPE! The realtor looks at my wall of fame and says, "I love it, it's beautiful, I wish my living room looked so good BUT, the pictures have to go." If a potential buyer came into the house and saw the wall of pictures, they wouldn't "picture" the house as theirs but as ours. So it all has to go and go now. We've got to get this house on the market as soon as possible to give us the most amount of time to sell it before our new home is ready so I immediately tell the realtor, "No problem, I can get all these changes done within 30 days." GULP - I'm an absolute idiot. Not only do I need to worry about the cost of paint and carpeting but now I have to work day and night to get it done all by myself because Chris and Becca actually have real "jobs" and aren't home but a few hours a week. UGH! What have I done? He also informed us that when the house is on the market, we need to find a place for our dogs because most people take one look at "dog" and say NO WAY; ahhh, another problem for another day. So Monday afternoon Chris and I head over to the studio and make the final decisions on all the "extras" we want in our house. We fought, argued and finally compromised on what was important and what was just crazy and finally came to an agreement that makes both of us happy. I am so excited, I can't wait to move in but yet I'm terrified it's all going to be yanked out from under my feet. Oh well.... I just have to take one day at a time.

So Monday I began feeling sick, like I'd caught Becca's cold from last week. This was so not a good time to get sick since I seriously need to get started on all this work in the house. I ended up going to bed early and waking up Tuesday feeling better but still sick; just my luck. Tuesday I had to be in 3 places at one time. I was scheduled to do a GS recruitment at the local elementary school, scheduled to be at Becca's school for a Science Fair information meeting and be at the airport to pick up my in-laws all at 6:30pm. I'm good, but not that good. I found someone to take my place at the elementary school, the Morgan's agreed to sit and have a cup of coffee and wait for me while I headed over to Becca's school. Now, I had an additional concern with all of this; my battery was dying in my truck and I was terrified I'd be stuck downtown with a broken down truck with two little girls (I had to take one of Becca's friends with us to the meeting) and leave Chris's parents stranded at the airport. Luckily, all went perfectly. The meeting at the school was over within 25 minutes and the plane was 20 minutes late SO, they only had a few minute wait for me instead of an hour. WOO HOO - something's going right for me. I was able to take Becca to school this morning, and then run over to Wal-mart to get a new battery.

So on to this evening and my heartbreaking mood. My living room walls are officially bare of pictures. The pictures are removed from the frames and the frames are all packed and ready for storage. It breaks my heart to see my walls so bare and dull. I can't just glance up while I type and look at the pictures of our last girl's night. I can't turn around and look at my beautiful Becca as a newborn or the smiling face of my mom. I can't see our family pictures or hell, even the dogs. They are gone. GONE I say! It just breaks my heart. The only thing left on the wall is my clock and I guess that has to go too as it's definitely personal. My best friend from high school gave it to Chris and I as a wedding gift with our names engraved on it. I guess that's a little too personal to leave up there huh? It's so loud in here - it echoes like crazy. I don't think I can handle it for 8 months. UGH!

Becca is handling school a bit better this week. She's found the right bed time routine and seems to be getting enough sleep to handle the school day. Except for today.... Becca was a crazy hyper child last night. Grandmama and Poppie were in town and Becca had them all to herself. She was a child on speed! I'm surprised smoke didn't come out of her mouth it was running so fast and so much. She didn't get to sleep until 10, got up at 6 and by 2:30 she was crying as she stepped off the bus and continued the tears until bedtime. We just had the normal nightly fight of IT IS BEDTIME - CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW! Boy do I have a headache...

Anyway, I think that has me up to date with current events.

Oh, wait - nope, I've got some more....

Liz called me yesterday and she is officially a "brace face". She got the bottom part of her braces (blue braces by the way) and next week will get the final top parts installed. She seems okay with it and is happy her friends aren't laughing at her....

We've still not heard from Karen. It's been a little over 2 months since she's spoken to any of us. We don't know where she is or what she's doing. Becca has added her name to the list of "I'm mad at Karen" because Karen never called her on her birthday and that is a big no-no. Becca hold grudges on that one...

I think I got "PUNKED" the other day, cause obviously it wasn't what it looked like. I had the strangest experience in Food Lion; yep, definitely strange. Since I do a lot of errands by myself, I'm always aware of my surroundings. I like to know who is around me, what is around me and I keep my eyes on my stuff. Well, after a long day of cleaning I decided to run up to Food Lion for some junk food. I left Chris & Becca at the house so I could have some quiet time. As I'm walking around the store, I notice this guy seems to be in every isle I am in yet it doesn't look like he's added anything to his basket. He was a young-ish well dressed black man and it was strange seeing him in each isle as I was all over that store, running back and forth not following the normal pattern. I end up in the soda isle and actually go up the isle, turn around and head back down as I wasn't sure what I wanted. Half-way down the isle, this guy stops me by saying something like, "Excuse me, may I ask you a question?"

I figured he was another person hanging out at the grocery store to talk people into going to his church. There's this one guy from one of the local churches that usually gets me about every other month insisting his church is the best and that I need to attend. I smile politely every time and tell him I don't attend church but he still gets me each and every time.

ANYWAY....

So I stop and smile politely (a safe distance away) and say, "Sure, do you need something?" He says something like, "I don't mean to bother you but I wanted to ask you something, are you married?" I just looked at him and said, "Uh- HUH?" He says, "I don't mean to offend you but I was wondering if you were married." I smile politely and say, "Yes, I am," and he grins, says, "oh,...(pause)... okay, I'm sorry I bothered you." I just smile and say okay and walk away. I felt like such an idiot. I should have asked, "YES, WHY?" but nope, like the dope I am, I just quickly ran away. Then of course I look down at my ugliest shirt, baggiest dirty pants and messed up hair. No way was he hitting on me - NO WAY! Darn it - I should have asked WHY!!! I was looking all over for the camera crew. I looked like a lunatic checking out all the isles after that conversation making sure I wasn't on candid camera. He disappeared after that and I never saw him again while I was there. Boy was that an experience... I didn't know what to do.

We went to Becca's meeting for the Student Ambassador program (for Europe). It was exciting but also disappointing. We've got to come up with $7000 in the next few months... Where am I going to come up with that???? All of our savings was put into the new house, we can't take out a loan for fear of screwing up the credit for the house and we're still paying off her trip to DC in April. I hate to even think it but I think Europe may be out until another time. I seriously don't see how we can afford it right now. Something to think about....tomorrow....

Oh and on a wonderful note; I heard from my old buddy Freddy in Pennsylvania today. I haven't heard from him in ages and missed getting to see him this summer when I went to dads. He called to find out if I needed help moving up to PA this summer. OOOPS, I guess I forgot to tell him we'd postponed that event. Needless to say, he's very disappointed and decided he'd better start saving some money so he can come down here, visit and drag our asses back home with him... It's great to feel so loved.

Sunday September 9^th

So, I haven't written anything down in a couple of weeks because life has been pretty hectic here in the Morgan household. Becca and I are trying desperately to adjust to 6^th grade but it's a losing battle. Becca has missed 2 ½ days of school already in the past 3 weeks due to illness. The first week of school she complained of an earache which ended up in a doctor's visit and antibiotics and then this past week she had a head cold causing her to stay home Thursday and come home early Friday. She cries every morning when I drop her off at the bus stop and she's dragging when she gets home from school. She complains of not feeling well daily and I just can't tell if it's truth or "crying wolf". We try each night to go to bed earlier and earlier but with getting home from school, doing all the homework, eating dinner, getting a shower and doing her mandatory nightly reading she doesn't get to bed until 10 and has to be up at 5:30am. She loves the school and the classes seem easy to her (unless you count her first Science test of a D and her first Pre-Algebra test of an F). I really don't recall my having this much trouble adjusting in school. She just found out that regular 6^th grade schools start at 9:15 and get out at 4:15 and is pretty upset with that. She says she wished she didn't have to be bussed to school, because she'd have more time to sleep and get all her work done. I'm giving it 9 weeks and if we don't see some kind of "leveling out" I'm going to start taking her to school in the mornings so that she can get a little extra sleep. I've got to do something! She's driving me batty! Home school sounds wonderful right about now!

The last 10 days of August were miserable for us. Even after all these years I still miss my mom and that week just seems to be the kicker. Having her birthday, death and their anniversary all within a week totally sucks. I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk I seem to get into and the past two years with dad and Liz gone too, I just feel so darn lonely and having Chris out of town too is just way too much for me. Chris lost his two grandfathers within a week of each at the end of August too. Chris was fortunate enough to get down to Hernando and say goodbye to his one grandfather before his passing but it was hard on him, losing both so close together. His parents headed out to New Mexico to deal with the details concerning his maternal grandfather while Chris and Tammy took care of the details concerning their paternal grandfather. It was hectic, it was crazy but they got through it - and without any fighting!

Becca again had to postpone a birthday. Something seems to always come up when her birthday approaches. She's had 2 funerals to attend to, 1 hurricane and I believe a couple of hospitalizations (no hers of course). She said that since her "birth" date was supposed to be September 12^th, she's going to start celebrating her birthday then so maybe she'll be able to have a real party with her friends. I'm working on one now for her for mid-September. I hope it works out for her, because I'll never live it down if it's a bust!

Our house project is moving in the right direction. We've gotten approval on the loan, we're heading to our final studio appointment tomorrow to approve the final touches on the house and the paperwork is all in and accounted for. We're meeting with the realtor in the morning to see what it will take to get this house on the market and sell it as soon as possible. We even got a call from our representative informing us they gave us another $10,000 credit off the house due to the housing situation. What could be better than that?

There is so much more going on but it will have to wait for another day because I've got to deal with but another crisis....

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Last Updated: 10/04/07 02:49 PM