Thursday, 11-29-7

Wow you lucky bastards.  I've been so busy that I have neglected this website entirely and you haven't been subjected to my inane ramblings for a whole week (almost two).

I'm deep in a new story idea and just about now I normally fizzle out and let the story fade away into an "unfinished archive" folder.  But, this one refuses to die.  It has captured my brain and I am writing and writing and writing every single waking moment.  If I had caught this kind of inspiration a month ago I would have attempted NaNoWriMo.  I am on a word count tear that would have me finishing well ahead of schedule but as it ends tomorrow, it is too late to join.  Maybe next year, maybe not.  It has only been a few days but the words are burning through me.  Let's wait and see if the pace continues or if I leave yet another story open ended.  Maybe I should just write a one page closure to all these unfinished projects and submit them for publishing; hey, it worked for Stephen King...

So on to other news of a more mundane nature.  The promising job change that I last told you about has shifted around some.  It is a two week "trial run" and that's it.  If all goes well the project could take off and go nation-wide but that could be months (years) from now.  Meanwhile the schedule shifted as well.  Next week I'm doing week one of the trial and after that I go to a training class in Virginia.  So I still have no idea what I will be doing for work come December 31. 

I had a hopeful moment this week but it turned out to be nothing.  I'm working back in the Hilliard ARTCC this week and it has been nice being home every night.  I'm familiar with the techs up here and we get long fine.  If you've been reading this blog from the beginning, you'll remember the lead tech and I had issues when they took over the ARTCC but that's long gone and we are very respectful of each other.  Anyway, during the long hours of "hurry up and wait", one of the techs asked me about what I was doing after the project ends for us and where I was from, where I was going... all that chit-chat stuff.  He told me about an opening for a maintenance tech in Johnstown, PA.  I looked into it and it turned out to be perfect. The same job I had before, just over an hour south of Teresa's dad, 40 minutes west of Altoona where my Father's family is from and only an hour east of Pittsburg in case I wanted to go into the "big city" for a concert or something.  And if for some reason the PA job was a no-go there were four other positions in New England (where I really want to go).  I submitted my resume and the techs here made a few phone calls.  I was a shoe-in for the job because the local manager for that area is the old hiring manager for the southeast and the techs know him well.  After a lot of phone calls, it turns out that all of those positions were created specifically for certain techs that were already in the system.  Oh well, you can't win them all.

I wasn't upset by the ordeal, in fact I was highly flattered that all three of the local techs went out of their way to vouch for me.  They could have just given me the tip and let me submit my resume but they called the HR office and the local manager to tell them that I was a worthy tech and a lucky catch if they could get me on their team.

I wasn't upset but maybe a little disappointed and definitely a little confused.  I have no idea what I'm doing for money less than a month from now.  That is scary to me.  The company says I will not go without a paycheck but doing what?  I see so many paths laid out before me and I don't know which one to chose.  Teresa and I want the new house so bad but we are starting to have a few doubts.  We are holding out on signing the latest paperwork until we know I'll have stable work.  If I'm flipping burgers at Village Inn again, I can't afford this new home.  When the Pennsylvania job fell into place it looked like a new path was opening up.  Was it simply there to confuse me?  To tempt me?  To enhance my doubt and to test my resolve?  What about the faint whispers of the possibility of a Jacksonville tech position I'm starting to hear?  Are the voices telling me to stay? How can I trust them?  Why am I asking you?  Am I weak for having these doubts?  Am I a wuss for airing them out?  Will Corinne move in with Peter who is also sleeping with her mother Jessica?  Will Jodie convince Chuck that Bob is gay?  Confused?  You won't be after this episode of, "WHATTHEFUCKHAPPENEDTOMYLIFE, HOWDIDIGETHEREANDWHEREDOIGONOW!?!?!"

Friday, 11-16-7

I lost over a thousand words last night.  I was just finishing an outline on a new idea I have and I transferred everything over to the laptop so I could type in bed.  Everything transferred alright and I got to work on writing.  I KNOW I saved the work at multiple points thorough the night!  The laptop is having display issues so it will go dark on me every few minutes.  I made sure to save my work a lot so I wouldn't lose anything if the screen went dark and never came back on...  I even started with the beginning like I'm supposed to do rather than jump ahead and write the really good parts!  Well I get up this morning and I go to transfer everything back to my regular computer and some of the stuff I wrote is there.  The completed scenes and finished outline are there but my official word count is ZERO.  I just want to scream.  I don't have the heart to rewrite it so I think I'll screw around for a while and get back into it later.  AGHHHHH!!!

So instead of writing I played with my music catalog and loaded up a video game.  I watched another crappy movie that I knew I wasn't going to like.  I wasted a few hours playing StarCraft and felt guilty.  I'm wasting time!  I normally have so much to do that I am sabotaging the only free time I've had in months!  So I closed out the game and came back to this.  I'll finish here and go to bed.  Tomorrow I'll probably screw around for a bit but I'll definitely get back to doing something productive.  I do need to back up my entire system, maybe I'll do that.  I'm not sure if it will be writing or what but I won't play any more damn time wasting games... 

Wednesday, 11-14-7

So as I'm writing up a new cover letter for my resume, I get a call from Troy.  I had just submitted my time off request for the week before Christmas. It falls within the moratorium and will make it easier on Troy so he won't have to find work for me to do.  It will also allow Teresa and I to make a quick trip up to see her Dad in Pennsylvania.
Troy asks if I NEED to take the time off or if I just put it in to fill the time.  It seems that when he saw the request he breathed a sigh of relief (not having to manufacture work for me) and sent it up the line.  Then he got a call from above that I was a special case.  It seems I have been hand picked for a new project.
The new project is a Florida-only, airport based position.  I know a little more about the project but I don't know how much I can say at this point because it may fall under security sensitive information.  I don't know yet.  The training class is the week before Christmas and it is in Jacksonville.  I'll be home for Christmas!  Initially there will only be two technicians and they want to put Hefner as the second tech but they still have to complete the FTI project and they know that if they pull me AND Heffner off the project, nothing will get done.  I hear they are waiting for the project to end to ask him if he wants to install transceivers in Hummers over in Iraq.  "It's in the green zone!"  Anyway, ain't it nice to be recognized as key figures in getting the job done?
So Monday I found out I need a new job, by Wednesday morning I'm already lined up to jump projects before the deadline.  Things just keep falling into place at the right time.

I got the call from dad, he brought his computer up here last week for me to look at it and see what it is doing wrong.  I couldn't find any trouble other than possibly a bad modem card.  His size/speed are more than he needs and the reason he's having trouble with the internet is because he's still on dial-up and it's hard to tell at that speed when something goes wrong or if it's supposed to be slow.  So he called me tonight to tell me that he is getting DSL-Lite and bought a new computer to go with it.  It's normally $650 but he got it for $450.  The only problem is that he is having trouble with the Vista OS.

Now I've never actually tried it myself but from all I've heard and all I've read, I told him to return the computer and get something that comes with XP.  He's reluctant to do that because he got such a great deal.  I told him, "If I took a shit in a can and charged people $3 for it but gave it to you for 50 cents, you got a great deal but it's still a can of shit!"  I think he's going to keep it and work through it because he doesn't want to give up the great new system.  For everything he needs you can buy a system for $150, the machine he bought would be a great beginning gaming machine.  At one point I heard he was going to try erasing Vista and try to load XP from a restore disk.  I hope he listens to me and returns the thing at first light in the morning.  I'm sure some people have success stories with Vista and more power to them.  This is not a guy who can go out and buy new peripherals just because Vista can't confirm they are authentic Microsoft Certified devices.  Many of the programs he uses he migrated over from Windows 98, possibly even 95.  Most of them won't work on Vista.  Hell, if you're going to throw everything away and start over, why not go Mac?

One last rant and I'll go to bed.  What is it with you people and band-aids?  Every little nic and scrape you get you run to the medicine cabinet, disinfect it and slap on a band-aid.  Most of you know I have a DEEP disgust for sticky/dirty things and there are fewer things that get sticky and dirty faster than a band-aid.  Plus it has the added "icky" of having your pus and blood on it.  So why is it I find these things everywhere?  Bottom of a public pool, on the sidewalk and most recently in a public bathroom.  Not on the floor or next to the trash where they might have fallen off but set up on a shelf in the shower facilities.  Not once, not twice but at least three times.  Different band-aids too.  Not like they were re-arraigned.  Once there were three of them bunched up and left behind.  Then there was one stuck to the side of the shelf and hanging like it was left to dry.  The last time there were two of them rolled up like they came off of a finger.  The bathrooms were being cleaned on a regular basis, disgusting people were just adding more band-aids.

It's almost like they were leaving them for anyone else that might need them.  Wasn't that nice of them?  I don't care how much you believe in recycling, I'm not going to unravel and reuse your used band-aids.  A little dirt in your wound won't kill you folks.  On the other hand, if I'm the one that comes across your poorly discarded band-aid, I just MIGHT kill you.

Tuesday, 11-13-7

I really could have stayed out in the den and finished writing this up last night. She was just as tired as I was and didn't even want to hear me talk, she just wanted to go to sleep.

I got up early this morning and drove out to Tallahassee and now I'm out here working. Something I may not be able to say for very long. We just got the date of December 31st as the last day we will be charging time to the FTI project. They gave us instructions on how we are to turn in our tools and everything. Be careful what you wish for. I used to wish that all of this travel would come to an end... They are scurrying around and finding new placements for those of us that are deemed worthy. Lucky for me, my work has been noticed and they don't want to lose me. Harris Corp. has expressed an interest in me as well but to be honest, the highest bidder may lose out to the quickest bidder. I'm not flipping burgers for six months again.

All of this has a history. I knew this was going to happen when I left for festival. My coffee cup was washed and that is a bad omen around my house. The last two times my coffee cup was washed, I came back from a vacation to find out I was laid off. The mug can be rinsed thoroughly with water but the moment someone applies soap and water, I lose my job. I won't worry about all of that right now because I have options and I have possibilities. Until then I may have to travel a bit but I will continue to bring in my paycheck until I find something else or decide what to do. Money, money, money... Money!

 The big "goings on" around here was festival last week. I normally like to set up camp on Sunday and get out to site as early as possible so that I can have some time to relax and have fun before the really hard work begins on Wednesday. With the house going on the market, I figure I'm lucky that we got out there at all. We finished painting on Saturday and Sunday and the realtor came out on Monday. Every day I've been working on the house starts around 8am and finished around 3am. I really pushed myself to get this thing looking nice and I was looking forward to a little time off. We finished all the little projects we could on Monday night and drove out to set up camp on Tuesday morning. The gutted pop-up camper I bought from Wade worked out nicely. It had room for all our gear including Teresa's custom bed.
We had run out of money for the house projects but were expecting my Puerto Rico expense report money to drop into the account and that would allow us to finish a few more of the final details. So we headed back into town hoping to get done in time that I would be back out on site Tuesday night, giving me one night of relaxation. It was not to be. The money didn't drop into the account until late so we didn't get any of the materials purchased until almost 6pm. Teresa and I installed new mini-blinds on all the windows and of course, most of them weren't simple replacements, we had to take out the old hardware and install the new ones because they were different sizes... I had to customize the front blinds by cutting them all to length to fit our window. I was putting new screen material (pressure washers will tear that shit right up!) on the two front windows when it got to the point of no return. With an hour drive there was no way I'd make it out there at a reasonable time. So I continued to work until 3am and spent one more night in my comfortable bed and set out in the morning.

When I arrived the kitchen was in order. There were a couple of worried moments whether or not we'd be on time for dinner that night but I decided that I wasn't going to let panic overtake me this time. We'd do what we could and the rest would fall into place as well as it could. The first problem we hit was that the propane tank was empty. It was 11am so we still had enough time to get it filled before dinner. I told everyone that would listen but no one seemed to know what to do about the empty tank. All we needed to do was take it into town and have it filled. There were other issues about "when did we fill it last?" and "who's been using it?" and "why is it empty?" but none of that mattered as much as the fact that dinner wasn't going to happen without flame. Our newest addition to the kitchen is a little propane driven, on-demand water heater. It is the greatest thing ever when you are used to having to boil water on the stove to wash dishes. We took the propane tank/hose from that and tried to hook it up to the burners. We couldn't get it to work. They said it was probably the regulator. Remind me to look up propane regulators later on and find out just how they work... 4pm rolled around and the big tank made it as far as the back of the truck to be taken into town. Wednesday night was "Spaghetti night" so we had to brown the beef, boil the water for pasta, heat the sauce and toast the garlic bread. There was no way we would have dinner ready by 5pm even if they left to get the tank filled right now. So rather than panic, we decided to move down the menu to "Hamburger/hot-dog night". We didn't have the hot-dogs yet but we did have charcoal and hamburgers. We hurried and had the large grill moved into place and lit it up. Dinner was served on time and no one seemed to notice that anything went wrong. No panic attacks or outbursts. So the gas tank was filled and hooked up to the line later that night. They tried to light the burners and couldn't get it lit. That's about the time they noticed that mud-daubers had made the gas line their home over the summer. Wade and Walker worked on unplugging the line for over an hour and they said it was packed about two feet deep with dirt and insect remains. I lit one of the burners and we called it a success. We went on about our business and I got to drum a bit that night.

I think we played until 2am or so and we had a lot of fun. It's always light on Wednesday and Thursday and I was surprised it went on so late for a Wednesday night. Thursday morning we were up at 6:30/7am to cook breakfast. I lit up the open burners and they lit nicely but when I lit up the grill I saw a problem. The flame was low and when I tried to light one of the other burners on the grill, the flame died out. The flat-grill wasn't getting any flow. Well, we had the open burners so we just carried on and cooked the bacon on a griddle that crossed two burners. We got the eggs and grits out early and the bacon was right on time. No worries, no panic. I like this new version of me in the kitchen. I would have broken down by now. That afternoon we dug out another foot of dirt from the other side of the gas feed. Those things are determined. So I tested all the burners and our mud-dauber troubles were over. That night we went on with spaghetti and had no troubles.

The drumming wouldn't start until 9 or 10pm tonight because they had Bardic Circle going on down there. I waned to go hang out but I was feeling the exhaustion from all the 3am nights I had piled up behind me. I laid down after dinner for a little rest so that I would make it through the night down at the fire. I woke up to more silence and wondered "When the hell are they going to start the drumming!?!" It was 3am, the drumming had come and gone, I had slept through it. Bummer but desperately needed the sleep and my body needed the restart. I'd rather miss a Thursday night rather than push it and miss a Friday or Saturday night.

Friday was more of the same. Little things going wrong and we dealt with it rather than panic. Maybe I'm starting to become a rational adult? NO!!!! I still act like a child enough that becoming an adult is the farthest thing from who I am. Speaking of who I am, the timing all came together so that I had the time to attend a workshop given on Heathen Practices. I have recently moved from "Norse Pagan" to a more dedicated investigation of true "Heathenry". I took my notepad to the class and never had to open it because I already knew most of what was talked about but that just means I've done my research well and now I need to interact with the community. She was able to give me a few places to look for local (semi-local) people of the same mindset. I was very happy to have the time to attend this class, it reinforced my decisions and made me feel like it was time to expand my learning again.

I got a special treat when Teresa brought Becca out there on Friday afternoon rather Saturday morning. She talked with all of her teachers and got permission to miss class on Friday and got all of her class work done before coming out. I love going to festival and hanging out but I really love having Teresa and Becca out there with me. The fact that they are there enjoying the atmosphere with me makes it all worth while.

Friday night the drumming started in earnest. I can't describe how it feels to play my drum when the fire is blazing and the dancers are making their rounds. I honestly just can't describe it. When the gods smile your way, don't question it, just smile back. We had one of those nights where everything was "on". I played back and forth off of Nighthawk and a few of the other drummers and we really had some great conversational drumming going on. Our drums were talking to each other and they had a lot to say. If this sounds weird, I agree, you'd have to experience it before you can even begin to know how it feels. Emotionally I mean. Physically it was exhausting. My right shoulder was numb by the end of the night and my hands were starting to crack. We had great dancers and we didn't stop until 3:30 in the morning.  I really didn't think it could be topped. Until Saturday night.

I had started the evening off in a partly cranky/turning foul mood because of several silly things. Teresa comes down to the circle early but always leaves before the drumming gets good. It does get cold out there but I really miss her presence when she goes to bed. Angry at other things and frustrated that I couldn't share this drum/fire/dance feeling with Teresa I was feeling bummed out. But when I was all but "ordered" out of the drum circle to fetch the water cooler for everyone I almost decided not to come back that night. I do what I can for most people and at festival I do even more than in mundane life, but even in this special atmosphere I have my limits. If you ask for something, even if it is beyond my abilities, I'll try my best to help you out. But if you demand anything, even something within my responsibility, I may do it but I'll probably be a dick about it. Request, ask, remind whatever... just don't order me around like a freaking dog. Had they asked me to do it, I would have seen it as a wonderful way to help provide a service for the people at the circle. But because they rudely barked it at me like I was shirking my duties by not already having it down there I didn't think of it quite so nicely. I became rather bitter and rather quickly at that. So because I work in the kitchen during the day, someone decided it was my fault that they didn't have anything to drink down at the fire circle. I had plenty to drink, the guy next to me had a drink, and I saw many people that had drinks. Those of us with drinks were sharing our drinks with some of those that didn't. But oh, so you mean it is my sole responsibility to provide drinks for the people that were too lazy to provide for themselves? I felt like Jesus Christ, walking down into the desert and ready to impart these great words of wisdom and finding out that all of the people around me forgot to pack their lunch for themselves and now, rather than play my drum and provide music for the masses, I had to become a miracle caterer and conjure up water like fucking fishes and loaves! Damn I was pissed.

So I storm up to the kitchen and fill up the water barrel. I cart it down to the circle on my already aching shoulder to find that someone else had already brought another water cooler down. I must have missed them when I stopped to use the bathroom. I just tossed the cups down and dropped the water onto the table. I was defeated. There was no reason for my anger but I just felt a wave well up in me and with everything else going on I just decided it would be better if I just went on to bed. I was no longer angry I was dejected. I was embarrassed with myself for allowing something so simple trip me up, frustrated that Teresa was always missing the good parts of the festivals, sad that I was going to miss out on a night of drumming just because I was feeling so down. All of this is bullshit of course, it was an easy excuse to fade away. There were fewer drummers out there than on a normal Saturday night and I'm not good enough to hold everything together when the big guns take a break. I was chicken-shit and looking for a way to escape the imaginary pressure. Now pile shame on top of all those other emotions running through me at that moment.

I was all but saying my "goodnights" when it was pointed out that my spot wasn't taken and that everyone was expecting me to come back. I thought about that for a minute and started to realize how foolish I was. That was when I saw that the dancers were really getting into it and that I missing out on the only thing I wanted to do, to drum for them. (It also may have helped that a particular dancer was in the circle...) I shook my head, made sure that I was ready for this and sat back down with my drum. Within minutes I was back in the right headspace and the group worked itself up into frenzy. We danced, we drummed and it was the most powerful night I have had in a long, long time. This was three nights ago and I can still barely feel my shoulder. My hands have split open and I am bleeding from the cracks in my fingers. I can barely grip things because of the pain in my hands and my left shin feels like it has shattered. But if someone promised me that we'd have even half the fun we had that night, I'd start playing through the pain right now. It was a magical night.

There were a few moments of drama as some people tried to interfere with the process we had built up. They didn't try to distract the big guns because they wouldn't have had it. Instead they went after a couple of us inexperienced ones. It was so transparent that it was easy to see it for what it was. Rather than let them put a damper on the night our bubble was just too big and powerful to be popped and we just steamrolled over the troubles. They had a choice to cut the shit and come along with us or get run over in their tracks. They opted to leave. Oh well, too bad for them. I wish we could have all gotten along down at the fire. So one minor conflict aside the night was flawless.

We kept congratulating each other and boasting of our prowess (while conveniently forgetting our train-wrecks) and we came together as one. Dancer, drummer, fire-tender, we were the circle and the circle was us. I momentarily forgot all of my self-consciousness and joined in as one. I truly felt like I belonged to this group and that is a rare feeling for me. I try to keep myself as an outsider, even when I am within a group, I am the odd one out. But not that night. That night I was the best, I was the worst, I was the same as everyone there. We were together and it felt wonderful.

At one point in the night one of the dancers gave me a message. It was not from her, it was through her. She didn't know what it meant, she just said the words and walked off, never looking back to see how I reacted to them. I think they are the words I most needed to hear and the words that I need to keep in mind when I am deep in my self-doubt. I will hold these words close and incorporate them into my daily life. They are simple but for someone like me they are so hard to live up to. Externally they have little meaning to me but messages from the gods are often meant to illuminate the internal. That is where I need the most work so these words hit me like a stone.

"Don't be afraid"

Monday, 11-12-77