January 2007
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Wednesday, 1-31-7
When I think of living in a trailer, I think of places like this picture below. When Teresa started talking about moving to Pennsylvania and dropping a trailer on the front end of Jerry's acreage, all I could imagine was the torn-up redneck trailer with her dogs living under the porch and being afraid to step into the bathroom for fear of falling through the floor. But, that's not what trailers are anymore. They are pretty damn solid and well insulated now. The floor plans she got from the dealer look pretty nice. There's more room than what we have now and the flow is much nicer. The kitchen is large and at the center of the house. I like that. Plus, we'll be cooking on gas instead of electric so, I may be in the kitchen more that Teresa.
We are planning on excavating a full size basement for the foundation. Waterproofed and sealed. Teresa wants nothing to do with it because it's dark and cold. I'm insisting on it (because it's dark and cold) because we'll double the size of our area without taking up any more of a footprint on the land. The less room we take up with ourselves and the more land we leave wooded and wild the better. So the whole basement becomes my lair by default. I told her I'll rent her a small corner for storage of her stuff. I'm imagining something like the basement in Plainfield. Living/Den area, tool area, music room, storage shelves... Oh the plans I have for this space.
Speaking of space, Teresa is already starting to pack up stuff around the house. Now that the room mate is leaving soon, we'll be able to pack it all up and store it in the middle bedroom and not spend the money on a storage unit. By the time Teresa's done with going through the house, we'll be able to move our entire house in the back of a pickup truck. She's being ruthless about making me throw stuff out. I'm locking up my shed. She can't make me throw out what she can't see. Hey, I may need that scrap to fix something... I've used scrap wood for repairs, scrap metal for bracing as well as welding practice. The new basement is going to be a $27k hole in the ground filled with scraps! Somehow I'll find room for all of 'my stuff' that Teresa has banished from the house and exiled to the new basement.
The road still sucks. Middle management types are starting to irritate the hell out of me. They just turned everything upside-down a few weeks ago, I guess things were running a little too smoothly? Bob doesn't run us anymore. Ever since they took Bob out of the picture, I have started to think about just quitting the job and going to work in a McDonald's or something. Bob knew what he was doing, Bob knew how to run a crew. When to push, when to pacify. I would (and did) work around the clock for a guy like that. The new guys just don't have a pattern yet I guess. If you step into a situation like that, wouldn't you be cautious about making sweeping changes to a region that was consistently, and by a huge margin, out-performing the rest of the country? Not these guys.
They separated Heffner and I as a team. Working with Heffner reminds me of working with Thom. We worked so well together that I guess they figured they'd pair each of us up with someone else and they'll get better just by being around us? It don't work that way. Hell, one of the only things that kept me happy out here was working with Heffner. He's a good guy and we got along great. It kept the job from being one long road. Aside from that, he's a solid worker. He and I get five times the work done in the same time as any other team. The new guy they teamed me up with just doesn't want to work. Stalling all the time and breaking for lunch at the most inopportune times. Just when we get rolling, he wants to go to lunch. There are entire weeks at a time that I skip lunch just to get the work done. I'm just incompatible with this new kid and I'd rather work alone. I asked if the new teams are permanent, he told me that nothing is permanent yet. I told him I wanted "Team Chris" back together, he said he'd look into it. He better look into the numbers we were putting up. If they don't team us back up soon, I think I may just start looking for work in Pennsylvania.
Today, one of the new middle/micro/managers pushed a button in me that I haven't responded to yet. I have to think on it and maybe just let it sit. I called him to tell him that the FAA guy (TOR) I was with was altering his schedule and not going to Beaufort tomorrow. I still had work to do here in Myrtle Beach and it made sense to stay here rather than travel to Beaufort and not be able to get anything done but look around. He agreed and we hung up. Five minutes later, he calls the TOR and asks what he is doing tomorrow. The TOR says pretty much the same damn thing I told him five minutes ago! He was checking up on me? Making sure I was telling the truth? Did he just call me a fucking liar?! I don't know. He doesn't know me yet, maybe he has these problems with his other guys. This job is not the type where we have little children running around telling the manager anything they want to hear just to get out of doing a little work. I am insulted that he would check up on me like that. My word is good and my work is proof of that. If you question my word or my abilities then fire me, don't treat me like a child.
I had to come up here on Sunday this time to be here for 8am Monday. I got here at 8am, completed my work by 11 and went back to the hotel to wait for NOCC security to do their job. I knew I only had 2 or 3 hours of work and the rest of the day would be a wash, why did I have to be here at 8am? Why couldn't I just drive up Monday morning, be here by noon and do the same damn thing!?
So on Monday I ended up back to the hotel early. There's nothing much to do here in Myrtle Beach during the off season. Everything is closed. There are roller coasters and rides for blocks and blocks but they're dark and quiet. I went to 'Medieval Times' for dinner last week just to see if it was different from the one in Kissimmee. It was the same show but the castle didn't look as nice. It may as well have been a strip-mall. As cold as it is, there's nothing much to do around here but grab dinner and hit the hotel. The views are getting nicer now that I'm getting the room upgrades. Normally I'm looking out over the parking lot. Now that I was smart enough to enroll in the hotel's points club, I've been getting the nicer sides of the hotels. I honestly thought I was only going to be on the road for two months, it didn't make any sense to waste my time signing up for some points reward system that I had no intention of using. That was well over a year ago. I should have signed up for their points club back then. If I did, I'd already have the 26" LCD TV they offer for 390,000 points! Oh well, better late than never. You know, now that I have signed up, Murphy's Law says I'll be taken off the road and never cash these points in... That'll suit me just fine. Last week I was looking out over a river, this week I'm beachfront. I had Becca's drum in the truck because I knew there'd be some down time this week and the drum needed re-stringing. I got it done yesterday and tonight I took the drum down to the beach to play for a little while. I love playing at night on the beach.
Tuesday, 1-30-7
Lots of random thoughts bouncing around right now. I'm taking a little break from writing my other stuff to get it all out of my system. If I don't, I'll end up trying to write it into my story and watering down any semblance of a plot. It happens every time.
I just ordered an external 500G hard drive specifically for iTunes. My music library is already at 140G and I'm about to absorb a lot of Fred's music too. I need the space but now I'll also be able to take all my music on the road with me. While I was ordering it, I seriously considered ordering the Terabyte drive. I can order 2 500G drives for 2/3 the price of a 1T drive but I still wanted to do it just to be able to say I have a terabyte drive. I had the money, I had the desire, but somehow good sense prevailed and I got what I needed for now and by the time I really need a 1T, not only will it be cheaper, but it will also be time to get a 5T... I also got Teresa a 2G SD card for $40. Imagine how many pictures she'll be able to take NOW!
There's a commercial on TV
that just pisses me off so bad every time I see it. It's one of those, "What
happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" commercials. Actually, I hate all of those
because it's not true. Lots of things will follow you out of Vegas no matter
what the commercial says. That rash you got from the hooker (she said she was
new at this), the crushing debt you created at the blackjack table (conveniently
located by the ATM), that video tape of you sucking off a goat at the bachelor
party (aren't drunk people entertaining?); all of these things have no idea
about the imaginary boundary of Las Vegas. They don't stay in Vegas.
This particular commercial
is the one with the wife coming home and the husband asking what happened, did
she and the girls go a little crazy? The flashback scene shows her and a room
full of women feeling up on two or three male strippers. She takes the
'fireman' stripper and heads toward the bedroom door and all of her friends
cheer. The flashback ends, she gives an apologetic look and says, "Yeah, we
went a little crazy. Look at all of these clothes". She turns around and shows
him the thousands of dollars she spent on Versace and Prada. The husband
responds, "Oh, you went crazy and did a little shopping huh?" She replies
"Yeah" and goes back to the flashback of the fireman. The commercial ends with,
"Vegas, where shopping can be your alibi." And then we get the standard,
"What happens in Vegas..."
So not only is he married
to a whore, but she's spending all of their money on her whore's wardrobe. I
hope he caves her head in with the fireplace poker. He's at home, taking care
of the kids, and working long hours at the accounting firm. She out in Vegas
blowing fireman Bill and spending the kid's college fund trying to cover the
fact that she's doing things to a stranger that she won't do for her boring old
husband. And all of this is supposed to make me WANT to come to Vegas? I hate this commercial. Luckily, the last time I saw it, they took
out the flashback scenes. I don't know if they took out the scenes for time
editing or if enough people complained... Either way, I hope the whole ad
campaign goes away. Fuck Vegas.
For some reason, homeless
people are flocking to me these last few weeks. I already wrote about the
breakfast encounter a few weeks ago, now I'm surrounded by them. Monday a guy
asked me for a dime as I was walking out of a grocery store. I was thinking to
myself, "A dime?" When was the last time anyone wanted less than "a couple of
dollars"? I didn't have any cash/change on me so I told him I didn't but wished
him luck. Not three steps later I step on a quarter in the parking lot. I pick
it up and holler over to the guy, "Hey, I found your money." As I give it to
him I tell him I want my 15 cents change. He looks at me with this HUGE
freaking smile and laughed.
6:30 this morning I heard a
knock at the door. There was a woman outside that was telling me every sob
story possible and just wanted to come in to my room to rest for 10 minutes,
hide out from her abusive boyfriend or wait for me to give her a ride to
Columbia. I told her I wasn't getting involved. If her boyfriend was really
chasing her and she ducked into the hotel just to hide, how did she get on the 5th
floor and halfway down the hall from the elevator? She insisted I give her a
ride when I left. I told her "No! Go away". She said she'd wait by my car,
which one is it? Just to get her to leave, I told her it was the green Buick
LeSabre. Serves him right for hitting my truck with his door yesterday. I
called the front desk and told them what happened and they said they'd send
security up. Of course, the lady was gone.
Why is it that the B-52's "Rock Lobster" is considered a Halloween song now? I hear it every Halloween on the 'seasonal' music channel. I looked it up on line and I see it on a bunch of different Halloween compilation CDs. Wikipedia says Six Flags uses it during their Halloween celebration. But no one can tell me why. I've heard this song for years and nothing about it makes me think of any aspect of Halloween. It's not spooky, no one dresses up in a costume, I don't get it.
What happened to Eddie Murphy? Why can't he make any good movies anymore? I haven't seen "Dreamgirls" yet so it may be good but it's been done before. He played James Brown on SNL. With the previews of "Norbit" and the "Nutty Professor" movies he seems bent on playing multiple roles (and always ends up being a fat woman) in 'family' movies. What ever happened to "Beverly Hills Cop", "48hours", or his standup routines like "Delirious" and "Raw"? I miss Eddie Murphy, I wish he hadn't died and gone to PG hell. "Haunted Mansion", "Shrek", "Dr. Doolittle". I don't think he's ever coming back.
Ok, I think I have enough of it out of my system for now. Thanks.
Monday, 1-29-7
It's my Mother's birthday today. She's 52, she thinks...
I have attempted to make contact with someone I knew from long, long ago. He was a good friend and when I moved to Florida we tried to stay in touch but this was back before the internet and even before I was on the BBSs. Through the years I have looked back and wished I had stayed in contact with him. Just before Christmas I found an e-mail address for him and contacted him. He remembered who I was but really didn't have anything else to say. I'm still hoping he'll want to correspond, but I'm not expecting much. Hell, what did I expect, I haven't talked to him in 23 years! He's got a life, I'm the only fool with time enough to sit around and think back on the "old days". Honestly, I'm surprised he even remembered who I was.
Well, the reason I bring him up now is because he said some things in his blog that got me to thinking. He said he was happy to be "done" with the old neighborhood. He had a horrible tragedy take place in his family a few years ago and now that his parents were moving out of state, he never had to go back there. I haven't been back there since we moved. My sister still goes back once in a while but I never felt the urge. I had a lot of good times there. I had a lot of people I hung out with as well as 2 or 3 really good friends. For all the good times, I was still only 13 when I left it all behind. I never "grew up" there. I grew up here in Florida. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm a damn Florida boy. My childhood memories are all from Connecticut, but all of the tough shit that comes with growing up came here in Jacksonville.
Even with that, I still have no real need to return to my childhood home. I knew it was a shithole then, I'm sure it's still a shithole now. The residential area was 'normal' enough but the rest of Plainfield was nothing but vacant buildings, run down from neglect and disuse. The mill and rail yards were still in operation but even back then, there was something about the place that screamed, decay. I'm not knocking it out of spite or hatred. I loved it. The open fields, the woods, the sand dunes and the swamp, they made for awesome LARP before that was even a term! (LARP used to be called; "Playing outside" or "Using your imagination") The empty warehouses, the railroad junkyard, it was a kid's paradise.
But screwing around when you're in grade school and having to go through high school in this place are two very different experiences. Considering all of this and adding in the emotional BS my friend has gone through, I'm completely sympathetic on his hatred of that place. I think my timing sucks. Just about the time he's ready to leave that place behind for good, here I come and pop up my head and yell, "Hey, remember me?" Yeah, I'm sure he really wants to hear from anybody from that era.
People love to revisit the old days. Teresa goes back to her Delaware neighborhood every once in a while. Every corner we turn in Pennsylvania has a footnote attached. So I'll probably make one trip back to Plainfield at some point. Just to see it and walk away. Tammy says it's so much smaller than she remembered. I'm sure it is but I'm also sure a lot of it is in her head. Things always look bigger when you're a kid. Cars, houses, yards... I remember every winter we'd go sledding down this steep hillside. Years later I've seen pictures of this same hill, it's barely even worth calling a hill. It's topographically insignificant. When you're four feet tall, everything is big. Just ask Ronnie James Dio! Ok, too obscure for some of you? Let's try again. Just ask Prince! Ok, still too dated. Mini-Me? Nah, not funny because he's not short, he's a midget. Ok, ok, here we go; just ask some really short guy... Anti climatic isn't it?
Four and a half of you people out there might know where this picture was taken. The half person being my brother. He was too young to remember it but probably knows it from the family photo albums. The rest of you will think it's the hole in which Frodo hid from the Ring-Wraiths.
I stopped here and snapped this picture on Sunday. I was on the road to Myrtle Beach and just decided that I had to look and see if this tree was still standing. I honestly expected it to have been blown over in a hurricane or something. Still there and still waiting to die. The hollowed out, decaying hole is just perfect for how I was feeling. The past is being deconstructed. Little Oompa-Loompa worker guys in dark blue jumpsuits with tool belts and ladders are tearing down the past and using the materials to build the future. They already started excavating this tree. It will always live on in my mind but everything dies. This tree, old friends, family and in the end, even memories.
I lived in the trailer on the right (or in a trailer that USED to be where this one is now...) for almost a year. We moved to Savannah when I was in the 2nd grade (7/8 years old?) and ended up moving back to Connecticut. I lived there with my Mom and Dad, brother and sister and for a short time, my grandparents. My Nana died 10 years ago but my Pop-Pop is still here. He is sick but they are expecting him to be ok. In time he will pass, my father will pass and I will pass. Then what? I have no contact with much of my family any more. I have another grandfather that I haven't seen in years. The same for most of my aunts, uncles and cousins. I see my own brother and sister about twice a year. I'm sure that I could walk past 90% of the people I just listed and they wouldn't notice. They're family and I'll bet some of them couldn't pick me out of a line-up if you told them who they were looking for.
I am not alone in this situation. Many of the people I talk to say that they haven't seen or heard from much of their family in years. What is this doing to us as a people? Are we a people any more or are we merely extensions of the electronic cages we have built around ourselves? Our minds nothing but hard drives willingly wiped clean for that latest upgrade. Do we know who we are? Where we come from? I'm not related to any one famous or historically notable. Is my Morgan/Franklin heritage worthy of any remembrance? YES!!! An emphatic yes! If to no one else, than to me. I have minor recollections of stories told by these people. When they pass on, most of their stories pass with them. The knowledge dies and I am less for it. I will have less to pass on to my child and she will have still less to pass to her children. And why is any of this worth it? Why try to make this contact and hear the old stories now? Look at that second picture. The past is dying in front of our eyes and we don't even see it. The memories are fading even while we watch.
Saturday, 1-20-7
Last night I won a game of "last man standing". It happened at drum circle, late in the evening. We had played all night and had a lot of fun. There is this young guy that comes and he's really, really good. If someone would show him (or more importantly, if he would LISTEN) how to slow down, how to play with the other drums, he'd be phenomenal. He's all about speed and flair and like I said, he's really good at that but he has no concept of time signatures. Or if he does he's a genius. He'll switch back and forth stepping all over the other drummers to the point where every one stops. He leaves no room for the more delicate drums or the other various instruments people show up with. The showcase is on him, but at the expense of the rest of the group. I'm not knocking him, because I think we were ALL like that at one point. I know I was.
So after trying to keep things alive by playing the back beat hard and loud all night so everyone else could follow the djembe cowboy, we finished up around 10pm. I had let one of the regulars play my drum because he was sharing his drum with a friend. I took the opportunity to play Becca's drum. It was a very different sound. A little loose but very nice. I was glad to get back on mine though. Just about everyone had started packing things up when the other high-end players all converged into a much smaller circle and we started playing hard and fast. It was a lot of fun but there again was 'thunder drummer' pounding away without any idea of playing WITH other people. We all slowed down and let him bang out his testosterone and then pick the tempo back up. He'd go right back to banging away. One of the other drummers stopped and I saw that this was going to be a "fight to the death" with this guy. So, after he lost everyone again, I dropped out and started packing up my gear. Oh yeah, did I say I WON the last man standing contest? Yeah, I did. He may have been the last drummer playing, but I finally learned that there are some fights not worth winning. I think it's related to that "less is more" thing. Somehow I won by losing... But really, I hope that kid starts listening to the other drums and playing with them because when he does, he'll be incredible!
Teresa got me out of the house today to go to the Magnet School Expo. We are planning to be in Pennsylvania by the start of the next school year but just in case we don't make that date, we want to be prepared. So we spent the day in a sea of children and parents comparing the curriculum of various schools around the city. Things have changed in the last 15 years since I graduated. Back then, Darnell Cookman was the school you went to if you were a severe behavioral case. Once a kid was sent to Darnell, you didn't see him again. If you screwed up at Darnell, you were sent to John E. Ford. That place was basically prison-school. Now they are both Magnet program schools. It's just weird thinking about Becca going to one of these "punishment" schools. We had a few ideas in mind before we got there (Darnell Cookman being one of them) and learned about a few others once we were in there. One of the ones we were thinking about was too focused on 'advanced' technology. Ok, so you taught her how to program 3-D CGs. Now two years later when she hits high school and the technology is obsolete, has she learned HOW to learn/use new technology or has she just spent two years learning an out of date program? One of the others actually told us, "We have to teach certain things according to the state so we rush through all that so we can focus on the children expressing their feelings and getting out into the multi-cultural community to explore the world around them." Is this woman fucking kidding me? So far the one we like the most (and Becca likes it too) was the place my brother went to. Their display was focused on their academic achievements and skills. Now that's the type of thing I want to know about a school. I don't give a crap what their football team mascot's name is. I don't even care IF they have a football team. I want to know if Becca will learn anything when she goes there. It's a good thing we went out there today, we were leaning toward the wrong schools and now we have a better idea of what's out there.
While we were there, one of the schools put on a display of their drum line. They were pretty good. All middle school kids and although after two or three minutes, everything became repetitive, they were very talented. What I want to know is; what happened to regimentation and precision? I think the worst thing that ever happened to marching drummers was that movie "Drumline". It made the bouncing, dancing marching bands more popular than ever. There was a time when stepping out on the right foot at the right time, keeping your lines straight and eyes forward was king. Now, all the marching bands do the wave, the bounce, the sway. It was amusing to see FAMU do it once in a while but now it's everywhere. Including these middle school kids. Will they ever learn true regimental marching? Oh sure, Mr. Green had the Parker drum line doing back-sticking and butt-sticking, even some fancy moves but those lines had better be straight when you did those moves and none of the moves involved breakdancing. Those kids today were good but I wonder how crippled they are becoming on the grand scale of things (assuming band/drumming is a pursuit of theirs) all in the name of looking like a popular movie. I doubt it but the problem might be me. Maybe every high school and every college in the country has gotten the boogie fever on their drum lines. Maybe it's just me bitching about something that passed me by. Maybe, but I doubt it. I honestly think that the day I see DCI doing these moves is the day I throw down my sticks in disgust.
After our escapade through the wonders of choosing a middle school, we went to the Home Depot. I always like going to the Home Depot to buy a new tool. If there's a job Teresa wants me to do and I need a new tool to do it, I can't wait to buy it and try it out. Today was no exception. After three hours playing with it, the magic wore off. Ladies and gentlemen, the tool you do NOT want to buy is the plumber's snake. I pulled stuff out of that drain by the fist full. I ended up with a huge pan full of the stuff. Moss, roots, unidentifiable mush. After three hours of being covered in the muck and the entire house smelling like wet iron, I couldn't pull up any more. I was only getting little tiny pieces and getting the snake pushed down to that point was becoming more and more frustrating. When I pulled out a pound at a time, the fight was rewarding. But when I fought the snake for ten minutes just to pull out something the size of a quarter, it wasn't so exciting. We ran the washer, opened the clean-out drain in the yard, and waited. As soon as it started draining we ran out to watch for it. After a minute, my heart sank. We should have seen something by now. It didn't work and I'll have to fight it some more. Just about then, we hear a 'chug' from the pipe and FLUSH, down came the drain water. You could see some of the chunks of roots and all and the water was black, like what I was pulling up out of the pipe. After another minute, the water was still flowing strong and it was its proper grey color now. She has run another couple of cycles through and we haven't had one problem yet. I think I may have fixed it for now. I still have to replace the 50' of Orangeburg pipe through the yard soon enough. That's where all the roots are coming from. But because the line is clear now and replacing the pipe will include tearing up the patio this particular chore moves to the bottom of the priority list.
I told Teresa that we were sending the wrong message to Becca with me busting my ass over this pipe all day. We spent all morning telling her, "Do good in school, go to college. It will help you get a better job and you won't have to suffer the rest of your life doing manual labor". Then we go home and Daddy, who has a good job, spends all day doing manual labor anyway! I have to find the fulcrum point between calling in a pro and self-reliance. Actually, I think I found that point. Teresa is talking about tearing up the carpets and getting wood floors put down. I told her, "When you get the cost estimates, be sure to include installation." Sure, I could do it, but would it be worth the effort and more importantly, would it look right? Not if I did it. I'd fuck it all up and for twice the price.
Ok, I'm done bitching now, gotta go load more CDs. I'm helping Fred load his MASSIVE music collection back into the computer by loading a couple of crates of CDs at a time into my computer (and I get to keep what I like hahahaha) and then he brings his hard drive over and I drop what I loaded into his drive. He's got like 5000 CDs so we'll be at this for a while. My current library is over 100G and 430 days of music. I shudder to think of how big it will be when we're done. But after a day or so of loading these CDs, iTunes is giving me the "Error, must shut down" message. I never had that happen with iTunes before. So now I'm making sure not to multi-task while loading all these and it seems to be working. It's working but it's starting to piss me off. I want to load CDs, type this stuff, surf porn, play video games, look for a job, all at the same time!
Thursday, 1-18-7
Did I say it was cold out yesterday? I was wrong. It's cold out today! Just before I went to bed last night I poked my head out of the hotel room around 11. I breathed in the air and noted that it smelled like it was going to snow. I was hoping to wake up to some snow this morning but WOW! An ice storm rolled through and this morning every car in the parking lot is covered in a thin film of ice. The roads are slippery and it's still raining. The current temp (8am) is 30 so it will keep freezing for a while. Of course, I'm at the VOR site today and that's the one mounted in a weatherproof box on the outside of the building. Cold and wet are in my immediate forecast...
Done with work and driving home. The rain is still coming down but the temp is up to 35 so it's not freezing anymore but it isn't doing much to melt either. I ran a wire through the wall and set up my gear inside. I still had to be out in the rain, but not as much. So anyway, my drive time is when a lot of the strange thoughts come to me.
I'm listening to Public Enemy's "911 is a Joke" and I hear the sample of Vincent Price's laugh. It's the laugh from Michael Jackson's "Thriller". So my question is, if PE had to attain the rights to use the sample, did they have to get approval from Vincent Price or Michael Jackson? (Ok, I know Price is dead so I mean his 'people') Copyright law says a work becomes public domain 50 years after the death of the original author. Of course, all of this is a moot point because the song came out in 1990, the rap/sampling lawsuit didn't happen until 1991. There is a word out there that says "Paul's Boutique" by the Beastie Boys (1989) would be one of the most expensive albums ever if it was released after 1991. There are so many samples on that CD that it would have cost a fortune to produce of they had to pay sampling rights.
Switching gears here. Last night I watched a rerun of the Soprano's. I haven't seen it in a long time because I haven't had HBO in years. A&E is making a big deal about how they are showing the Soprano's now. "A&E just got made." Bull. I've seen one of the episodes on A&E. How did they ever think they'd broadcast this show and have it look/sound realistic? Every time I hear Tony say "Freaking" instead of "Fucking" I laugh my butt off. It's like when they show "Goodfellas" or "Casino" on network TV. It's laughable!
What else is eating away at me? Oh yeah, Tuesday morning. I had to take Monday off because it was MLK day. I drove up Monday night and ready for work Tuesday morning. The rest of the world used Tuesday as MLK day part 2! Why did they take Monday off if they are going to push all of the festivities into Tuesday? They're working on fucking up a whole week over this guy. There we go with the tensing up of your butt muscles. You're expecting me to delve into some bigotry right? Maybe some downright racism? Do most people even understand the difference between those two words? No, they use them interchangeably because they both have the same desired result. Labeling the target as a "non-PC-hater". It's all crap. I like what King stood for but that's because I read his speeches. I read a biography on him. I didn't think I was getting the whole picture from what was rammed down my throat in high school and I was right. There is a lot more to this than they teach. Oh sure every kid on TV Tuesday morning was happily saying the words, "I have a dream" but do they understand what the dream was? One guy didn't. They actually showed a black man on TV complaining that white people get the day off for MLK. Now, I can understand the LCD not getting it but for the news program to let that run, that's just plain ignorant. I thought it was exceptionally funny because Sunday, a friend and I were joking about that very same idea. The dream was not for superiority, not for exceptionality, not for special treatment, it was for equality. Many times he specifically mentions blacks and whites joining together. I guess that guy on the news didn't get the memo; every person in America is part of King's dream, not just the blacks.
So for all the hoopla and all the days off, have people actually learned anything, have they taken anything good from King's example? If not, why the hell are they taking the day off and fucking up my Tuesday? I saw that 500 plant workers took the day off in protest that their company didn't give them MLK day off. I hope they are all looking for work now. How stupid do you have to be to walk off the job because the company isn't paying you for yet another holiday? We already have too many holidays. I have to go back and agree with Ebenezer Scrooge. Why the hell should you be allowed to make up a day and say, "Pay me even though I'm not doing any work for it"? If you were running your own company you'd agree too. Everyone needs time off but I think we have too much of it. It's only the middle of January and we've already had two days off! (New Years Day and MLK)
I'm not complaining of course. Working for the government I get the best of both worlds. My company doesn't give the 'minor' holidays throughout the year. They save them all up and I get the week between Christmas and New Years off. But, since my job relies directly on government employees and they DO get the day off, there's nothing to do on those days so I end up taking them off and just making up the time throughout the week.
Enough ranting for now. I'll get back to you later after build up some more bile. Should only be a few hours...
Wednesday, 1-17-7
The interview with the bum and its impact upon me.
It's cold out today. I'm glad I remembered my jacket this trip. Last time I had nothing but short sleeved shirts and no jacket. I'm just so used to working in Florida that I just didn't think about South Carolina being much colder. It's only 4 hours north. Silly, silly man...
I got to piss off the hotel manager this morning. I hate to be late for work. I'd rather wait on someone than have them wait on me. So, this morning I was running a little behind and skipped breakfast. When I checked in to the hotel, they gave me these little paper passes for each morning I'd be there. They have a buffet in the hotel restaurant with pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, biscuits and gravy and all the regular "cold" breakfast stuff. The pass gets you a free breakfast but without the pass they charge like $12 for this crap. Oh well, it's better than the bagel and OJ buffet some hotels have. It was already 7:20 so I was running behind and decided to skip breakfast. By the time I got in the truck and out of the parking lot, my FAA rep called and said she'd be a while and probably won't get to the site until 9am.
Right in front of my truck, standing in the cold at the foot of the interstate was a really old guy that looks like a guy I used to work with named Bob except Bob wasn't black. He was bundled up and ready to travel. He had his thumb out and I don't know why I did it but I rolled down the window and asked him, "Hey, you had breakfast yet?" He said no, so I told him to meet me at the front door while I park the truck. He walked inside to get out of the cold and I walked up just as the desk clerk was going to say something. He's a bum, he looked like seven day old shit. I said, "He's with me" and we went over and had breakfast.
His name is Jerry. He asked me why I did this, I didn't have an answer. "I don't know, you just looked hungry." He said I was a good guy. I said, "Not really, this isn't costing me anything because you're leaving the tip." He laughed and we had a good time. During the conversation I felt like I was talking to an old friend, not a stranger or a bum. And that's a term he defined. He said he's a bum. Not homeless, not a nomad, just an old fashioned bum. He goes from place to place, enjoying the scenery along the way. He's spent the night sleeping under the stars in the Grand Canyon and on Malibu Beach. But he's also spent nights in jails in those places too. I said, "It sounds nice but isn't it hard to survive?" He said, "It gets really tough at times but when you have nothing, then you have nothing to lose." He paused for a second and then said, "Nah, that's a load of crap. It sounds better when I say it like that. There's nothing glorious about the road and anyone who tells you differently is lying. It's a decision I made and in retrospect, I wouldn't make it again. The idea of dropping everything and wandering the country may seem like a romantic image but it sucks after the first year." He said if you're tough, jaded or angry enough, the first year is about all you need to burn it all off. After that first year, you start to rethink this whole idea and by then it's too late. You're hooked on one drug or another and your friends and family have written you off.
Suddenly feeling like I was some talk show host I asked him which drugs he's on. He said he was a pain pill addict a long time ago. It's one of the reasons he left his family and because of that, he doesn't do any drugs, aside from whatever pot he can get his hands on. But we both agreed that pot shouldn't be counted as a drug as long as cigarettes and liquor are legal. At that point he asked me if I happened to have any pot and I became aware that I wasn't the only person listening to him. He looked around and said, "Hey! Get back to your fucking eggs. Mind your business." Everyone went back to watching the morning news. Currently on the "news" was the latest on who's in and out of "American Idol". Jerry said he doesn't get to see much TV but reads the paper all the time. By what little he has seen on TV, he considers himself lucky he can't watch it often. I told him he has no idea. He said he can't understand why people are taking music criticism from someone who doesn't get Bob Dylan. I said, "Bob Dylan is too hard for these sheep. They want to be titillated by fashion and pantyless pop stars, there's no room for depth in today's music scene." We got into music and talking about older bands. He's a big Rolling Stones and Chuck Berry fan. I discovered he wasn't as old as he looks. I would have guessed he was in his 70's but he said he was 54. The road is hard on the looks.
By then, we were done and ready to leave. I put down the two breakfast vouchers and the waitress looked like she was going to question us about if he was a hotel guest or not but at the last minute she decided not to. Maybe it was the menacing look Jerry gave her from behind the coffee cup or maybe it was the overly-generous tip I had already laid out on the table. Either way, we made our way outside where Jerry bummed a cigarette from someone and a light from someone else. He tightened up his jacket at the neck and thanked me for breakfast. "It will probably be the best meal I'll have in a long time." He said food is easy enough to come by, but having a conversation with someone from the "real" world was really rare.
I wished him well saying, "Stay tough out there man." He said, "I'm not tough kid I'm weak. Getting up and going to work 9-5 every day, supporting a family, that's tough. It's a lot easier to drop it all and go out on the road, never to return. I'm a chicken-shit really, but it's how I am."
And with that, I waved and drove away. Some people might walk away from this experience with an attitude of, "There, but by the grace of God, goes I" or something like that but not me. I happen to know that the gods do not favor the lazy. Sure, Jerry was a nice enough guy. He seemed rather educated and more importantly, aware that it was his own doing and his own decisions that put him where he is. He decided to walk away from the rat race by becoming a bum. He regrets walking away from his son and daughter but won't try to find them. It's been ten years since he walked out and they are grown now.
I'll never understand how some people are built with the ability to walk away from their children, their responsibilities. I wished I had asked him some more personal questions like, "How the hell do you walk away from your children!?" and "What makes you so special that you get to shrug off responsibility?" If he was single or had no kids then more power to him. Wander the Earth like Kane. But he walked away from a family. No matter how much of a bitch his wife may have been, no mater how impossible she may have made it on him, there is no way I'll ever empathize with him for leaving his kids. You divorce the wife, fine. Feelings change over time, people grow apart, you were in love but not IN love, maybe she was a bitch, maybe you were an asshole, no problem. You split up and you both move on. But if Teresa kicked me out and kept me from Rebecca, I'd find a way to stay in Becca's life. Even if the courts told me I had no chance, I'd stay close by hoping to make a way. But he didn't even have it that bad. From what he said, he walked away from the home while it was still intact.
So what did Jerry leave me with? Two things; Number one, he jumpstarted my brain out of it's most recent glitch where I was stuck trying to come up with a new character in my latest writing. More importantly, he reinforced my idea that the majority of people out there that we consider homeless are actually just lazy. I've always felt this way ever since I've met a lot of them doing fire alarm work around the city. I spent a lot of time working in these outreach program buildings and in the rehab houses. Some of the people there need help. I hope they get it. The rest are just too lazy to go out and find a job. What are they holding out for, a management position? Minimum wage flipping burgers is better than sucking at the government titty isn't it? And that's where we find the divide in how people are made up. Some of us answer yes, the rest end up like Jerry. It's not about material possessions. I'm guilty of being fat and greedy. I have way too much of everything; life is good right now. But I also know that if the shit hit the fan, I'd be willing to do anything to survive. And surviving includes providing for my family. Fuck these bums that walk away from their kids. I'll never understand them and I don't think I want to.
Do I occasionally feel like I'd like to drop and run? Hell yes! Doesn't everyone? The job gets tough, marriage is always a careful work of balance, and children are not always smiles and rainbows. Life is something you have to deal with even when it gets ugly. For some people, it's booze and drugs that carry them through the tough times. For others, it's faith in their god. For me, the only thing that keeps me going when life gets tough is remembering those times when it's not so tough. The smile on Teresa's face, the light in Rebecca's eyes. These are the things that keep me here. It's the little things that keep me alive.
Friday, 1-12-7
Drove home from South Carolina last night. Another day of sitting around and waiting until the last minute to get the work done. I sat there from 7am and we didn't get started until 3pm. We didn't get finished until 7:30. Of course, this means I was outside well after dark and all of my gear (laptop, test set, printer, camera, oscilloscope) was getting damp. It made for a few nice photo ops though.
You know, they put me out here in some of the darkest corners of nowhere and tell me that I'm not allowed to carry a weapon because I'm on Federal property. The directions to this place included, "Turn on the road behind the gas station, drive on the service road for two miles, turn right after the radio towers, drive on the dirt road for 1.5 miles, take the narrower dirt road for another three miles until you come to the gate." I looked it up on-line; these are the exact same directions to the dead center of nowhere. Everyone who has found this place thought it was a great place for dumping everything. So now, here I am after dark, five miles from anywhere having to get out and lock this gate without a gun to defend myself. Not that I'm a chicken shit or anything but if I'm going to die a violent death by someone else's hands, I want it to be somewhere where they'll find my body.
So, after all of that I drove home. Is it mandatory that every highway in the entire state of Georgia be under construction at all times!?!? Every time I come through Georgia, I have to slow down to 40MPH but I never see anyone working on the damn roads. It's just so frustrating because I like to estimate the travel time and Georgia always screws me up. This time, low and behold, they were actually working the road. Traffic slowed to a crawl but I had fun with it this time. I noticed the guy next to me was swinging his arms like he was an orchestra conductor. Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde" was playing on my iPod at the time. I play my iPod through the FM transmitter and tune it to some unused radio station in the area. Depending on the area and the station, you can pick up my music from outside the truck. Heffner picked it up from a ¼ mile away. Teresa says her iPod get's drowned out by my transmitter at the far end of the block. So it is not unbelievable that this guy hit scan on his radio and came across my transmitter. I hit pause and watched him. He stopped for a second and moved toward the radio, I quickly resumed play. He went back to conducting his dashboard orchestra and was singing too. I made sure to stay along side this guy (or close to him) so I could watch him. I was thinking about all the possibilities of having my own traveling radio show. I could put a sticker on the back of the truck advertising which frequency to tune in to and all.... Wouldn't that just be the greatest and meanwhile, the stupidest idea ever? I could hook up a microphone and really get into it. Well, just about the time I came back to reality, I heard the closing notes to the track and saw my buddy close everything out. I did see that he couldn't hold the final note without taking a second breath. I wish I had the forethought to grab my camera out of my laptop bag. The look on this guy's face was probably the best frame shot of "pure horror" when the next track was "Blood Soaked" by Obituary. Of course he didn't know the title but just imagine you're driving along and listening to opera on the radio and as it ends you're expecting the soft, smooth voice to come on and announce the title/name/radio call letters in that voice that says "someone is sleeping in the room next door and we have to be quiet." Instead, you get ear-bleeding death metal. It was great. Based on his reaction he had the opera up real loud because he couldn't get to the radio quick enough to turn it down/off. He looked real confused. I laughed for the next twelve miles. It almost made the drive home fun.
Thursday, 1-11-7
A friend of mine sent me a clip of people on an escalator and the power goes out. "Oh great, this is all I need, I'm already late. Hello!? Help! There are two people stuck on the escalator! Can any body hear me!?" The clip was titled "Government Workers".
I've got to tell you, this is really not not funny. I know some people that really would do that kind of thing. Aside from the idea that government workers are lazy and stupid, I already hate ALL people that just sit and wait for the escalator to bring them up or down. What are we in a people museum or something? "Ohh, look at all the people going by..." Walk up/down those stairs and you'll get there twice as fast! I hate people that get in front of me on those things or the conveyor belts at the airports and they just stand there and wait. I want to punch them in the kidneys, throw them over the side and keep going! Anyway, everyone laughs at the laziness of government workers and I try not to play into stereotypes but this one plays out to be true. I am going insane trying to get my work done around here. Everyone is in "whatever" mode and they don't care about anything. I've spent a total of 25 hours this week (so far) just sitting and waiting. All of the work that can be done is done, all the paperwork is ready but we have to wait for this reason or that reason.
This time it's a BellSouth engineering problem. I can't really blame my company for this one can I? YES! Yes I can, because this site should never have been scheduled without verifying the LEC circuit. They have all of the LEC circuits dropped at station packages. In layman's terms, this means instead of the local phone company (BellSouth in this case) dropping off the circuit to a standard block or jack, we pay the extra money to have them install a special jack that you can test from a remote site. You don't have to be on site to make sure the circuit is good. When I was working in Melbourne for a few months last year, that's all I did was "LEC checks". Building the cross connects and looping up the station packages to verify the circuit was good before a tech was dispatched for an installation. What the hell happened to these LEC checks? Why have I been to seven sites in the last two months that have had bad circuits?! Rather than move on to something else or drive home, we get "Hang out there and wait". AHHHH! Wasted time. I guess I shouldn't bitch too loudly, another option would be for them to tell me to drive to Kentucky or Alabama. Oh well, more time for me to write. It's just so frustrating. I'm at work, but I'm getting no work done, and I'm out of town doing the work that is no work... I'm just lost.
I've been working as a government contractor for almost three years now and they haven't indoctrinated me yet. I came in on day one and started learning what to do. Once I knew what to do, I started doing all the work and Paul told me, "Dude, slow down or we'll have nothing to do the rest of the week." Damn it, if there's work to be done, I want to do it. I was like that on day one and I'm still like that. Sitting and waiting is a job for a simpleton and as stupid as I feel some times, I know I'm not there yet. I guess I'll never fit in around here.
Tuesday, 1-9-7
Wasted days and wasted nights...
Drove here to Aiken, SC yesterday. My FAA rep wouldn't be on site until Tuesday morning so I had the day to myself from about 1pm on. Good. I can get a lot of writing done, I can get caught up on my expense reports, I can surf the web, whatever, I've got all day and all night to do it. 1:30am I turned out the light and I got absolutely nothing productive done. Twelve uninterrupted hours and I did nothing with it. Who the hell knows when I'll have that kind of time again?!
I flipped the TV on and that only lasted about 20 minutes. I saw an ad for some college football game or a dating service or something and the guy jumps out of the car (because the girl roots for the wrong team) One second ago they were driving past clean and neat front yards and when he jumps out he rolls down a ridge that wasn't there. Flip the channel.
I called it. I don't know what I win but I better get something damn it. Back when Heffner got me watching "Flavor of Love" I hated it but couldn't look away. 20 or 30 women vying for Flavor Flav's love. He kicks out a few every episode until there is only one left and they go on happily ever after. There was a really crazy bitch called "New York" and she was WAY over-dramatic for the camera. Everyone watching from day one knew she'd make it to the end of the series because she made for good TV (Jerry Springer style). She did but lost to a little white girl in the final episode. She flipped out! So, they brought her back for season #2. I had enough will power to hold off and not watch season two so I don't know what happened but when I heard they were bringing her back I said, "This chick's getting her own show. It'll be another dating show and they'll call it "I Love New York". I laughed because that would be too stupid. Sure enough, I flipped the channel and there she was, pimping her new show called, "I Love New York". Damn, I even got the title right!? TV is becoming too damn simple. Flip the channel.
There were two news reports back to back that infuriated me! First, there was a local news channel that dressed up one of their pretty little interns in a fat suit and makeup and put her in a high school. Why? To see if fat people are treated any differently than thinner people. Ohhh, how can we reward these deep and penetrating journalists? I know, how about running over them with their own fucking SUVs! Back up, run them over again! Now stab them with #2 pencils! Fat people are treated differently? No SHIT! If you doubt it, then ask yourself this little question you fucking retarded talking head, why did you have to dress up your pretty/thin intern rather than just sending out the fat reporter chick? I'll tell you why, because there's no fat people on camera. (Weathermen are the exception for some reason) You didn't have a fat girl to send in for your oh-so-interesting report because no one hired her. Flip the channel.
Another news report. Home Schooled children fighting for the right to play on the public high school's football/baseball teams. What? Are you fucking kidding me? If you don't attend the school, why would you be allowed to play for the team? I can see it now, HS coaches recruiting ringers by paying for their tutors and having them play for their school teams... How ridiculous. UNTIL, I hear that 16 states allow this to happen and Florida is one of them. What are the reasons for home schooling? Well there are those that actually care and they work hard to educate their children. Those people are caught in the crossfire. I don't know how to resolve the situation without nailing these people. The best I can say is, tough shit. Sorry. If your kids really wants to play ball for the high school team, he has to attend that school. Make your educational agenda a supplement to what he's getting at school. Top off the day by, I don't know, maybe... talking to your kid? Finding out what they learned today and making sure it is what you want them to learn. The other group is made up of people that are raising their kids to shield them from the secular world. Religious nuts and all. You pulled your kid from the school. You isolated them from the big-bad world, start your own damn team. If I boycotted Outback Steakhouse and decided to cook at home, am I allowed to bitch that I don't have any Bloomin' Onion? No. That's fucking stupid and unless someone points out something I haven't thought of, then fuck these stupid yuppies! Ok, I'm not flipping the channel, I'm turning it off.
Today I'm sitting in the terminal. It's MUCH better than usual when I'm stuck outside. The wind is blowing HARD today and it is 40 degrees out. The TV is on ESPN and they are repeating the same story about the Gators winning some football game. Finally they break in some new news about how everyone is upset Mark McGuire didn't get into the Hall Of Fame. They're upset because they say he's being kept out because of the steroid scandal. They say, "It wasn't illegal when he used it." It may have not been on the rule books but it was wrong and he knew it. But that's not why I wouldn't vote for him if I were on the board. What has he done? His stats are good but not great. He's not exceptional in any way other than breaking Roger Maris' home run record. Does he get in just for that? He held the record for three years. Roger Maris held it for 37 years and (by the way) was never questioned if he was getting the home runs out of a bottle. If they want Mark McGuire in the Hall Of Fame, Roger Maris has to be in it first. Oh man is TV frustrating. Why do I EVER turn it on?
So, back to last night, I turned off the TV and I took a nap, I checked my e-mail, I logged in to the expense report website but nothing else. Oh, there was the video game. I played a video game from around 5pm until 1am. My thumb still hurts. Oh sure, I turned off the TV because it's a time waster but I dicked around playing Bowmaster2 for eight hours! Every time I looked up and saw the clock I said, "Ok, I'll stop right after I finish this level." I finally beat the game at 1am.
But the time was not a total loss, I came in to work this morning and after about two hours of real work, I'm doing nothing but sitting and waiting. So, my writing time was just shifted, not lost. Don't be the person that points out to me that if I had written last night AND today, I'd have gotten more done... just let me live with my stupid little justifications. So today I've been doing "my" writing on and off between writing this short page and the reviews for the movies I saw over the weekend.
In one of the reviews I kind of poke a little bit of fun at a vegan for not wanting to encourage people to eat meat (read the "Cars" review, you'll understand). Anyway, it got me to thinking, how cool is that? This guy passed on a nice opportunity because of his beliefs. He didn't want to have a role in a Disney/Pixar movie named after him because he knew it would end up in a Happy Meal. Although I find it to be quite a stretch, associating a VW Bus with meat because it would end up in a Happy Meal for six months, I did like his decision. It went against his beliefs so he passed on it. Passed. He didn't crusade to have to movie stopped. He didn't appeal to mobs of people telling them "meat is murder". He didn't even make the newspapers for his sacrifice. He just...passed on the opportunity. How much better would this world be if people just walked away from things that flew in the face of their beliefs rather than badger the rest of the world? Don't like gay marriage? Don't marry a dude. You believe cows are sacred? Don't eat the cheeseburger. God tells you not to eat pork? Don't eat the pork. Just don't sit there telling me I can't do any of these things just because you don't believe in them. Then again, I've never had a Jew berate me over my bacon and eggs. You don't hear about Hindus blowing up a Wendy's. My Christian friends on the other hand, "Ban gay marriage, blow up abortion clinics, censor rock music..." What do you expect from a group of people that follow a god known for a list of Thou Shalt Nots? From day one, they're being told No, No, No, No, No... It is a constricting religion and it's not for me. Rather than accost people in the streets and try to get the world changed to fit my own personal view, do you know what I do? I walk away from it.
Tuesday, 1-2-7
Back on the road and I have to say, it ain't half bad. I hate to leave the family again but it feels good to get back to work. I'm looking forward to getting some projects completed and I'm not the least bit worried about where these projects are or how long it will take us to work them, I'm just happy to be back on the job. All this really means is that I was at home long enough that the BS of this job and my jaded outlook has worn off. I'll be back to hating this in about a week. Or less if things run the way they have tonight...
I haven't written anything for the web in a couple of weeks. I've been busy. Not to say that I haven't written anything at all, just noting for public consumption. Teresa is trying to talk me out of my quirk and to let her read some of my stories but I doubt she'll ever wear me down far enough that I let her. Of course, she has the power to get me to do anything she wants me to. Anyway, back to being busy...
My vacation was nice. Like I said earlier, it allowed all the pent up frustration at work to wear off and give me the false sense that everything will be alright. After two weeks off, I had trouble remembering which passwords to use in which programs to log back in and get back to work. It's funny how every day patterns get lost after only two weeks of neglect. Of course it doesn't help that I have to have eight different passwords! One program requires special characters; another program won't allow special characters. One program needs an eight char password, another needs twelve. This program changes passwords every month, that program has had the same password for two years. I have a spreadsheet with all my passwords in it but I forgot what the password to open it was...
It was nice to have time at home. I didn't get much time to sit and do nothing like I wanted but looking back I'm glad I didn't waste any of that precious time. Teresa kept promising me that 'tomorrow' I'll have the day to myself and something always came up. She worked her butt off the whole time so when I kept asking her when I get my day off, she didn't think it was funny. Especially since I really wasn't doing anything big.
Christmas/Saturnalia/Yule is always a busy time for everyone but this year everything flowed a little smoother. We cleaned house the week before, Teresa baked and baked. The kitchen always smelled like cake or cookies and it was really nice.
I observed the solstice by myself. It was a nice moment that I was allowed to be alone for a minute. Just a few days later the house was full of people and laughter.
Mom and Dad came in town like usual. That's one of the traditions I'll really miss when we move. Of course, it doesn't have to change, they'll just have to drive a LOT further!!! We got to spend more time with them this year. Usually Teresa and I go over to a friend's house for a Christmas Eve dinner but I never heard anything official so we just assumed it would be like every other year and we planned to go over like usual. Then I heard through the grapevine that it was moved to someone else's house this year. This is someone I don't know too well (very nice people but it's a "friend of a friend" type thing) and I figured that was why I hadn't heard anything about it. So, not wanting to invite myself over to a stranger's house for Christmas Eve and possibly be unwanted company, we made plans to stay with Mom and Dad for the night. Nothing like drinking egg-nog and playing poker and blackjack while waiting for Santa Claus. I think we just started a new tradition...
Becca finally got her iPod. She's been wanting one forever. We gave her an MP3 player last year and said if she took care of it she could have an iPod. Well, she held up her end of the bargain so she got her prize. She's so happy that hers is a newer model than Mommy's or Lizzy's. Teresa was happy with her presents and I'm just lucky I didn't have a big pile of coal. We still have a table full of presents for some of the friends we haven't seen yet but, we're busy, they're busy, we'll hook up soon. We did have the choice to run over and drop the gifts off or have them delivered by mutual friends, but we didn't have the time to sit and hang out and I always prefer spending time with people more so than the getting and giving of gifts. I'd rather postpone the date and actually spend time with my friends rather than do a drive-by-gifting. I know there were a couple of hours here and there that we could have escaped and gone visiting but those hours were never consecutive. And in the end, those precious hours were better spent to repair my family. Teresa and Becca have really missed me being gone all the time so we spent a lot of time just being together and healing those strained bonds. We did other things, we went places and we even managed to goof off and have fun. The best part was that we did it together as a family.
Tuesday morning we got up and drove to Atlanta. We had this planned all along but Jerry Sr. and Lizzy surprised Jerry Jr. and drove down from Pennsylvania too. I was happy we all got together. Teresa was losing her mind this year and she needed this as much as anyone needs anything. She had a few moments of "being alone in a room full of people" and she didn't know if I would understand what she meant. I told her that's my standard day to day life. She was surrounded by friends and family and people that love her, but she really needed her father and brother. We weren't up there long but it was enough to cure her for the time being. They got to talking about getting together more often and after all their talk, I think all seven of us (Jerry Sr, Lizzy, Jerry Jr, Scott, Jeremy, Teresa, Becca and Me) are going on an Alaskan cruise this summer. Wow, that was quick! What ever happened to starting out small like a family reunion in someone's back yard? Alaska is one of the places I always wanted to see but they're not talking about in a year or two, they want to go in July! I need to look up and see if we need passports now that all the rules have changed. YES, I know Alaska is part of the US but with all of the new changes I don't know if you need them to return after being out at sea. I told Teresa that I'll cough up the extra $400 and to make sure that MY seat on the round trip to/from Seattle is in First Class or Business Class I think they call it now. I'm not putting my fat ass in one of those coach seats for 6 hours each way. It'll be worth the money just to watch the other six squirm and complain and I'll get up and wave to them.
We ended spending an extra two days in Atlanta more than we expected but it was nice to see them. When we got home it was time to get serious about fixing up the house. Teresa has a bullet listing of all the projects we (I) need to work on and their approximate costs. She's going to start working on cleaning out the laundry room this week and by next week we'll have a price list of tearing up the carpet in the Living/dining/hall and replacing it with Pergo wood flooring. When I get home this weekend my job is to clear out the storage in the den bathroom or Teresa said she'd do it while I was gone next week. I can't let her do that because she always throws out the good stuff. I'll hope for an extension on this one because for now, it looks like I'll be working Friday night into Saturday and she can't reasonably expect me to get that room emptied in one day. It is literally floor to ceiling (with maybe six inches to spare) with just enough room for the door to swing open. A lot of it is crap but I can't bring myself to throw it away. Goodwill or the Salvation Army is either going to love me or hate me in the next few weeks.
Not everything was smiles and puppy dogs though. I had a hard time coming to a few realizations this week. I definitely feel like I'm being poisoned by someone. I hear words and I see expressions. A few subtle comments and a few nicely timed complaints, and of course, I'm never around enough to clear them up. After enough of this, even the most open person will begin to believe what they are told. Especially if they have no reason to think the information they are getting is entirely fabricated. Any liar worth their salt knows enough to construct their lies with enough truth to make them seem real. Reinforced often enough and never contradicted, these lies become truth to all who listen. Even if the lie isn't taken literally, there is enough poison in them to make one question other things. I believe I have become the victim of someone's campaign of lies. It sucks, but there's little I can do about it without causing a scene and it's just not worth that to me. If some of my friends choose to turn on me, there's nothing I can do about it. If you drop a white shirt in the mud, the mud doesn't get clean, the shirt gets dirty. No matter how many times you try it, the mud never gets any cleaner. I'll sit this one out and let it ride. Any kind of true friend would talk to me point blank about it all. Those that believe what they are told or allow that to influence what they think they see and they never question it, well, what kind of people are they to begin with and why would I want to be associated with them anyway? I've had to do this a few times now and it is getting easier but it always hurts just the same.
Ohh, man, I didn't mean to let out so much right away but it just sucks when you have to sit by and let people make their choices without being allowed to stand up and scream for justice. It always stings when friends turn but I'm starting to learn from it. Every time it happens, I see another aspect of just how jealous and petty people in general can be. My mother always tries to see the good in people and doesn't like it when I see the evil that is just below the thin venire of a forced smile. She always tried to get me to smile and give people the benefit of the doubt, but every time I see something like this, it gets harder and harder to think that people are inherently good. Some people say my mother is gullible or simple because she trusts people and she genuinely likes people. I wish I were able to turn off my paranoia and cynicism long enough to trust a stranger's smile like she does.
So here we are, another year older and are we any wiser? I hope so. I can't really say for sure but I can say that I feel wiser. At the expense of innocence and trust, I feel like I have gained a bit of insight over the year. Who is to say if that is a good thing or not? Maybe I'll wish I had held on to that innocence a bit longer, maybe I'll use my new insight to learn to trust fewer and less often. I just heard a piece of advice given from another writer that says in order to complete your writing projects, you need to become completely antisocial. I scoffed at that when I first heard it. Sure, you'll finish what you are writing now, but where will the new ideas come from? Now, I'm starting to think that I've been fighting on the wrong side of my war. I've been fighting AGAINST myself from becoming antisocial. I've been trying to find the time to balance my livelihood with my family and still find time for a social life. Maybe I should scrap the friends and social life and just live for work and family. It seems there is less pain along that path.
In the last year I've gone to 100% travel at work and it has cost me a lot. I rarely get out to drum circle on Fridays, I never see my friends during the week, I had to give up on the band just when I was making contact with other bands looking for a drummer (of course, they all wanted someone who lived in town and I just didn't fit that description anymore) I barely get out to the monthly poker game (when they have it) and I had to sell my van because it was just going to waste sitting on the side of the house. What little time I have at home I want to spend with Teresa and Becca and some people just won't understand that so I have lost contact with them as well because I won't go out drinking all night on the few nights I'm home with my wife. I'm gone so much that we spend every weekend like it will be the last time we'll see each other for a year.
So, work is eating up a lot of me but what does it give me? Enough money that Teresa could quit her job when it turned into a horrible place to work (she loses her paycheck but keeps her self respect. A fair trade I'd say) It gives me insurance so Teresa and I can continue our babyquest. It gives me relative job security. If Ray can screw up as bad as he did and only get transferred and not fired, I'll never get fired (famous last words right?)
Can I give up the livelihood? Yes. In fact, I intend to when we move later on this year(ish). Would I give it up if Teresa and Becca asked me to? In a second. We'd get by without it. As long as I have them by me, I can make any situation work. Would I give it up for what it has cost me? Never. After all, what did I really lose?
A rock band. I'm 34, not 14. At this age, one does not give up high paying government contract jobs to play dingy bars on Thursday nights. I'd like to see a band happen but I just don't see it any time soon.
Drum circle. I play all the time everywhere else. Why fight the djembe cowboys every Friday night? I'll hit it when I can and enjoy it all the more. Besides, some people say I'm not a 'real' drummer anyway... (I'm laughing here)
Shallow friends. Well, I needed to shed some dead weight anyway. Now all I need to do is cut a little deeper and shed a few more.
Poker nights. OK, I miss this one. I miss the people more than the game but I hear they are playing other games now instead so I guess I'm really not missing anything.
My van. I miss having a vehicle of my own. I can't take the work truck out (not supposed to anyway) on the weekends and while I'm not really missing the van, I miss the freedom. But, it worked out for the best. Someone we know needed a vehicle just about the same time I made the decision to sell it so she bought it cheep and I got rid of the van before she started to deteriorate in place. She had already been using it for a few months so it was a perfect fit.
So see, everything has a silver lining. I'm not missing anything really. Nothing but time. I miss time though. I wish I had more of it. It is amazing what you do get done when you are home Monday through Friday nights. It's even more amazing how much of it lies in wait for you when you are not and you come home on Friday. It lunges for me as I hit the driveway and strangles me until I leave again on Monday. Yeah, time is about the only thing I miss anymore that I can't make up.
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Last Updated: 05/07/07 11:29 p