October 2006

October 2006

Tuesday, 10-31-6

I am so tired of Orlando. No matter where I go these last few months, I've had at least a day or two in Orlando each week. I'm in St. Augustine and Melbourne this week, but Tuesday and Wednesday are here in Orlando. I am sick of this place.

I'm three hours from home and probably won't finish work until 6 or 7 tonight but I'm considering making the drive anyway. I wouldn't make it in time for walking the neighborhood with Becca or going with them to the party but I just don't like being away on such a day. I've brought some tools and supplies with me and I intend on marking tonight myself, but it's just like the old days when I celebrated everything in privacy and secrecy.

I don't know how much secrecy there ever was though. Today is Halloween/Samhain and as I dial in to the conference bridge, everyone is getting set up and gearing up for testing of about 30 circuits to various places. The first circuit on my list today is: D-020666. Everyone hears the circuit number and says, "Circuit 666 on Halloween? Must be Morgan!" How the hell did I get such a reputation? I don't hide my morbid tendencies but I really don't flaunt them either. Not at work anyway. Some of the guys that I have gotten to know personally may know a little more about me than most but to be immediately recognized as the evil-loving guy? Well, that's screwed up, but it's also a little cool to be honest.

Thursday, 10-26-6

I just wasted an hour and a half of my life bumbling through some techno-geek's idea of a good time. Probably the most self-indulgent bucket of horseshit I've seen in a long time. I had to complete the latest company security training on line and it's spoon fed so sloooowwwwllllly! Instead of being webdriven or even the dreaded PowerPoint presentation, I was forced to sit through a Java-based presentation that had beautiful (but useless) graphics. It took 30 to 40 seconds to load each page and on each page there was probably 8 seconds of information. Of course, it took the narrator 20 seconds to read it. If you skip over the narration, you don't get credit for the course and it is required to have it completed by the 31^st. Really in-depth and pertinent information like, "don't give out your SSN to strangers" and "don't throw papers with SSN on them in the trash, they must be shredded". Ohhh man, now I'm ready to face the world of identity thieves. Armed with information that any moron should already know I can now move on and hopefully forget about the fact that someone in the company was paid a lot of money to waste my precious time.

Speaking of wasting my time, I finished all the circuits on my schedule at 2pm today. Monday I drove to Orlando, Tampa and Ft. Myers. Tuesday, worked all day in Ft. Myers and drove to Orlando. Wednesday, worked ALL day and drove back to Ft. Myers. I was on overtime as of Wednesday night. Bob sent me back down here to finish the last 3 services. After we finished up, Bob wanted Keith and I to work one last circuit in the area so we don't have to come back next week. Of course, access is denied to the last location so here I sit in another hotel, waiting for morning before I can test this last circuit and then hurry home in time to pretend to enjoy my "normal" life. I'll clear 70 hours again this week and then back out on the road to rack up some more. It's like playing a really bad video game and you don't really like it but just about the time you start to enjoy it because you're racking up a high score, someone hits reset and you start from zero again. Every Monday morning, the game resets and I chase my tail again.

Wednesday, 10-25-6

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, maybe it's a mental meltdown, maybe it's my suicidal nature being loosed from within but I just don't care anymore. I have had enough of playing nice and keeping the waters calm.

We've been trying to test this one circuit for over a month now. Every time we come across it, something keeps up from completing it. The word has come down that it needs to be closed out with the end of the month (Tuesday). Of course, he I sit at 4pm waiting on engineering support. Been here since 8am and every thing about this circuit is wrong. We get the engineers on the line and they do the big, "um, um, um" story about how they designed it correctly and how somewhere along the line it got screwed up. I try to clarify the situation and they tried to pin it on me. I saw how asinine their new design was, I saw how they must have transposed the telco circuit IDs and I tried to help clarify things. All I got for my knowledge was the blame. They attacked me even when it was obvious that the problem HAD to have been initiated by them. Rather than sink back down and allow Bob to calm things down, I raised my voice over the rest and asked (in one breath);

"This site was installed over 2 years ago and only had two T1s coming into it. Things went smoothly for 2 years and we are scheduled to drop a third T1 into the site. Now we are coming up with problems because the existing T1s are in port 1 and 2 and your new design says they should be in port 2 and 3. Rather than change the drawings and designs to put the new T1 in port 3, you want us to get a 2am maintenance window, interrupt all of the services, change all the old drawings and designs and move the 2 existing T1s to allow the new T1 to terminate in port 1 all because you say that your new drawings are correct?!"

I swear, the only answer I got was a quiet but strong, "Yes". He had won. I was beating my head against a large, impenetrable, ignorant stone wall. I was wasting my time, my breath and my energy. All I could do was laugh. I started laughing out loud. I didn't mute the phone, I didn't care anymore. The absurdity of it all was just too overwhelming. It was so sad that it was funny.

My NOCC tech, Carl, is a good guy. He is fond of talking about politics and religion. He's not very fond of hearing about these topics, just talking about them. He's always the one that brings these up on conference lines with 10 people listening in. I knew he was out to start trouble today when he asked Joe (an active reservist) what he thought about politicians calling the military murderers and rapists. What kind of loaded question is that? Why would you ask him that? Unless you wanted to start trouble, that was a stupid question. Joe is a strong and articulate man. He also knows when bait is bait and he didn't take it. He just made a few comments that told Carl to shut the fuck up and of course, he did. For a few seconds. Then he brings up religion. He sets his sights on me now. He knows where I'm at on this one. He starts in on the Muslims and keeps pausing for approval. Normally I just smile and nod silently but this time I just give him rope, lots and lots of rope. He says how there are contradictions in the Koran. Pause and I agree. He says how the local Imams determine the interpretation of the Koran. Pause, I agree. He says that many of the Imams are preaching their duty to destroy the non believers. Pause, I agree. (Rope. Lots and lots of rope) He says that for all their beliefs, there is not one shred of evidence to back their claims. Pause and another emphatic agreement from me. Then he asks, "How can anyone believe in this kind of garbage?" Of course, my only response was, "The same way you believe in your version of the same story. There are contradictions in your Bible, you preacher tells you his interpretation of the story and there are plenty of examples Christian groups trying to destroy the non believers."

He tried to start in with the old "they call it a religion of peace but they are so violent" line but I immediately shut him back down. I've just felt so lethal today that it was hard to NOT say something. We got back to work rather quickly after that. He does this about once every 2 months or so and I normally just keep silent, especially when he does it on a conference bridge with lots of people. Once, he got everyone all worked up and agreeing with him and I hung up in the middle of it all. When I dialed back into the call, he apologized for bringing up religion. I guess he knew why I hung up.

Sometimes it just gets too thick to deal with and I can't stand to hear it. Not only the ignorance but the seething hatred these people have of any culture other than their own. People like Carl wrap themselves up in the American flag, grab their Bible and then close their eyes to the world. It's sickening to me. I wish I had done more traveling before I became "all respectable like". Probably would have gone to waste. Maybe I'll look forward to a lot of travel in my later years. Not just travel within my safety zone, I want to see something beyond the tourist hotels. I want to go to east Europe, I want to go to Africa, I want to see India. I want to see strange lands with ancient people that I can learn from. I don't want to stay in the 4star hotels, I want to sweat my ass off in a hut with the locals. I want to eat the strange foods, serve me the dog-omelet, I'll eat it! I want to see and appreciate how other people live. Whether or not I actually do get out into the world, I read about these places and I want to know. I get the distinct feeling that there are fewer like me out there and more like Carl.

Monday, 10-23-6

I'll try to put a little something up here this week. I've written a lot. I've even sat down and written stuff to put up here. Trouble is; everything is coming out ugly. Ugly and amateur. It sounds like I'm 15 again, alone in my room and writing. Furiously scribbling out my lines about how "no one understands", how "I am alone". Shit that makes "The Cure" sound like "Huey Lewis and the News". Oh man there's some bad memories. How mindless are we at that age to really think that we know anything? Did some of us maybe forget to grow out of that phase? I think that's part of the reason I destroy everything I write.

That's something no one understands. How I can write and write for a year or two, edit and clean it up, then set it on fire and start all over again. Something I've been doing forever, at least since Jr. High. Now that I've taken to writing everything on the computer, I still print it out to set it ablaze. Something purifying in that. The fire cleanses everything. As much as I wish I were a writer, I'm not. I never will be. I don't write for other people, I write for myself. I write for therapy. I write to appease the voices.

Teresa says that I should unleash the censor and speak/type my mind. That I am wrong for holding back. I say holding back is the only way for me to keep out of the doctor's offices, probably the only way to keep out of jail.

Thursday, 10-19-6

Sorry guys, not that I'm all that important or anything but I know you like regular updates. I've been on a freaking rampage recently in my writings. Every waking second is flooded with ideas and changes. If any of you have ever harbored delusions in your heart like I do about being a writer, you know you run with the river when it's flowing. Like a desert rainstorm, you'll be up to your eyes in the waters of inspiration one second, dying of thirst the next. And that voice that once uttered, "I've got plenty of time", will soon be a dry, scratchy chortle that cries out for, "one drop, just one more drop!"

It's been gangbusters around here. Work is always busy but some of it has been close to home. I never get much writing done when I'm at home; too many other things I'd rather do like get reacquainted with my family. Even though I've been around the house, there's a lot of windshield time involved and that's when my brain flutters around and throws out some bitchin' ideas. A few years ago I bought Teresa a PDA. She's always making our schedule and stuff so I figured it made sense. Nope. She'd rather carry her notepad around and make these entries by hand. Just like her mother. So the $350 paperweight sat in a drawer until I thought maybe she could enter her schedule into her computer and I'd sync it up with the PDA. I'd carry the PDA on the road with me and that way I won't have to call her to see what I'm doing this or that weekend. Nope. We sync'd up once. That's about it.

However, that little thing has come in handy when I'm on the road and an idea hits me. I used to try to remember these ideas by a single word or phrase and write them down when I got to the hotel. That never worked and I've lost a lot of ideas that way. One or two ideas I could remember maybe but recently, I've scribbled entire paragraphs on the thing while trying to keep my eyes on the road.

Soon, (all too soon) I'll be back to my normal routine and you'll hear from me more often. I've got some ideas for the site too. One of them involves moving it to Wade's server as he offered, but that would involve finding two consecutive seconds that I can devote to this stuff. When I DO get out to see him (or ANY one anymore) I don't talk shop, I just want to hang out with friends and decompress. Hell, I still haven't looked any further into that video card I wanted so desperately last week (or is it last month by now?)

But I'm sure you haven't been missing me as much as I would like to think. I finally made all the admin changes to the website last week and now I have access to all the stats. Wow, that's freaking cool! If I had a REAL website those stats would come in handy! More people check out the site than I thought. It's pretty cool to know that I'm coming up in some search results and stuff. But, back to the not missing me part, I happen to know that you don't miss me NEAR as much as you all miss Teresa. Her Update page has almost double the visits than my page. I told her she was the most popular page on the site and she just grinned. As much as she likes to think she's unimportant, all of you know that she's the star in this little show of mine. She's just smart enough to rule from the shadows while her front man (that's me) does the stage show.

Wednesday, 10-11-6

It's really kind of funny how one can change moods so quickly and how that mood is often determined by proximity to the trouble. I was about fed up with my job recently and ready to chuck it all. I've been scouring the positions in Jacksonville but nothing is showing up. I felt better this weekend. I was home for a few days and I then I went and visited with my brother and talked with some of his friends.

They're all salesmen and they have to dress the part and act the part to get the sale. I'm sure they feel good and are happy but it was kind of nice to realize that I can go to work dressed like I was going out to a rock concert. I can wear my hair long, I can wear shorts if I'm going to be out in the sun. I remember being part of the "upwardly mobile" crowd. I remember having to press my shirt collars, having to polish my shoes. You know where it got me? Laid off! I played the office politics game (to a degree) and although I refused to kiss the asses, I was respected and recommended by my previous bosses but when the pencil pushers said, "Eliminate the engineering team", it doesn't matter how nicely my pants were creased, or how long I was there; out the door I went.

So it's not so bad, making very nice money and getting to be myself. The down side is, I'm not able to be myself at my own pace. Home on the weekends, out of town and drunk the rest of the week. Well, OK, I guess it's not all bad. And THAT's the point. I say that it's not all bad now because I'm in the hotel and drunk (Hey, it's Heffner's birthday!!!!) but this afternoon I was ready to scrap it all and walk because I was on the job and the frustration was high.

I am listening to an audiobook that has clones and such in it. Awesome book by the way, go check it out – After listening to all of this, I'm wishing I was able to clone certain people and put them to work in Melbourne so I'd have intelligent people to work with and troubleshoot with. It's amazing how little gets done for 6 or 7 hours and then, when you finally get it escalated to the right levels, the right person solves the trouble in 20 minutes and it's something you've been bitching about for the last 8 hours. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Friday, 10-6-6

Everyone bitches about talking to a menu or talking to a machine but I have had enough of it! I don't know what I'll do about it but damn it, I hate it!

Every time I call into my Network Operations Center, I have to sit through a 52 second message before it allows me to enter the digits to get back to the tech center. 11 seconds once there and 8 seconds after I tell it what region. 71 seconds of wasted time every time I call in which is ordinarily from my cell phone.

Even worse is these voicemail menus I have to deal with when I call regular people. If I call Teresa or Fred and they don't answer, I have to sit through the message, then the menu to leave a message. "To leave a message, press 1 or wait for the beep." I can't hit the button, I'm driving, the button's too small and by the time I get to it, the beep came anyway! "To leave a message, [press 1] or wait for the beep. To leave a fax, [press 2], to watch a music video, [press 3], to make an appointment to be analy raped by the phone company, [press 4], to make a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich, [press 5]...

Even if you do press the [1], you get a 20 second dissertation on HOW to leave a message. [...When you are finished, you may hang up or press...] No shit. I did not need to be told that I could hang up when I'm done. Maybe that's why I see all these morons with phones strapped to their heads 24/7. They didn't hear the part about being allowed to hang up?

It should not be this hard to leave a voice mail. I should call, it will ring, I will hear a voice that says something like, "Hello, Chris is not answering his phone, please leave a message" IMMEDIATELY followed by a beep at which point I can say what I have to say and get the hell off of the phone! If you want all these other gadgety things, press a special key, leaving a message should be default and easy!

Another thing, these messages need to be refined. Both incoming and outgoing. Outgoing messages should include your name, and that's about it. The name tells me that I reached the right phone and that I'm not leaving a message for some widow in Guadalupe. I don't need to hear any freaking music on your message, it always sounds like crap. I don't need to know you are away from the phone or unavailable, apparently, that's why I'm leaving a message instead of talking directly to you.

Incoming messages need to include a bit more. Name and reason for calling are prime. Without either of them, I will not call back. "Hey it's Arthur, give me a call" does not get a return call from me. I am far too busy sitting on my ass and dicking around on eBay to bother with people that have no agenda. If you called me, tell me why, but keep it short. I do not need 2-3 minutes of mundane details. No message should ever go over 60 seconds. If the call is time sensitive, I expect to hear a time and/or date in the call. If I don't know you and you are leaving a number, I expect to hear it spoken clearly and slowly. I wasn't expecting to have to write a number down and I can't write as fast as you can speak (especially while I'm driving) and I can't understand garbled numbers at all. By the time I find my writing implement, the phone is asking me if I want to save or delete the message. I replay it to hear the number but now I have to sit through your 3 minute speech on why you called. I'm so bored with it that when you babble out your number again, I miss it. [Press 7 to delete], you'll call back if it was so important.

Wednesday, 10-4-6

I read in the paper yesterday that owners of websites and blogs are being sued for libel. Good and bad. I believe people should be held accountable for their actions and words but I also believe people shouldn't be so easily offended. There are obvious parodies and opinion blogs and I don't think they should be targeted just because the subject doesn't like what the person is saying. There are also malicious and hateful blogs that can do serious damage. But why aren't they also covered under "Freedom of Speech"? Lies. You can say anything you want as long as you don't lie. I think.

If I got on here and said that "I think President Heffner is a bone-headed moron", that would be my opinion and should not be targeted.

If I got on here and drew a picture of President Heffner with a monkey's head, again, I don't think I should be targeted.

If I got on here and said President Heffner is an alien spy from planet Xyrgox, no one would sue me even though it is a lie.

If I got on here and started telling everyone "President Heffner has Herpes and no one should date him", I'd be sued.

Strange sets of rules we have. It's very hard to draw that line. And that line is what it's all about. Teresa says that I only recognize that I've crossed the line when it's in the rear view mirror. Someone once explained the difference between Eastern and Western civilization to me in this way; Societies draw the line of what is and isn't a crime. In Eastern civilizations, people stay far away from the line for fear of crossing over it. In Western civilizations, people run as fast as they can toward the line and hope they stop just short of crossing it. I'm not so sure it really applies to East/West, I believe it is types of people. There are always those that will obey and those that want to walk the tightrope. I don't want to walk the tightrope but I do like the thrill of creeping up on the line. Getting busted just ONCE might cure me of that, you think?

Tuesday, 10-3-6

"How ya doin ladies and gents? Hey, I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my arms tired. BadaBoom! So hey, I've got a good one for ya. An Amish guy walks into a school with a shotgun OK, and he nails the door shut behind him. Ok? Ya with me? OK, so this guy lines up 12 kids, they're Amish and all girls, did I mention that? So he lines them up, binds their feet and executes them, having to reload the gun right? So, he puts the gun in his own mouth and kills himself! HA, zing!" ...crickets... ...chirp...chirp... "Hey, whatsamatta, is this thing on? I said... he shoots 12 and pulls the gun on himself, badaBing!"

Anyone remember when this sounded like a tasteless joke and not the evening news? I keep waiting for the punchline... So of course now the idiots on the TV are screaming their reactionary lines about how little we spend on school security and how this is all the President's fault, or former President's fault depending on which channel you watch. Anyone think that it's strange that they are considering cutting the school's budget for books to pay for metal detectors? Oh sure, Johnny can't read, but he'll be safe behind our babysitting, fortress-like walls.

As I was typing this out last night, I was reading that the teacher's strike in Pennsylvania is ending Thursday. Sorry Lizzy, you've got to go back to class, I hope you're wearing your flak-jacket.

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