PARENTAL LICENSING

About halfway through this rant, Heffner told me that this subject has been covered by Keanu Reeves in some movie.  Of all people…  I haven’t seen it but from what he was telling me, it was covered fairly well.  So, I’ll keep this short:

We are now licensing people to become parents.  It will run pretty much like the DMV.  You have to take classes, pass a test and follow the rules to keep your license.  Minor infractions put points on your license.  Enough points in a period of time, and you lose your license.  If you are caught driving without a license, you go to jail and your car is impounded.

PUNISHMENT:  If you are caught raising a kid without a license, you go to jail and the kid is impounded.  Pretty much the same deal.  Heffner says Keanu missed the part about impounding the kids…

AGE OF CONSENT

Lowered for all things; drinking, sex, military service, crime, etc.  Children are growing up faster (too fast) and should be held accountable for their actions as soon as they reach the age of reason.  In European countries like France and Italy, kids drink wine at the dinner table.  When they come here, they don’t understand why American kids are so rabid to get hold of it.  Legal drinking age is now 10 years old and of course, parents retain rights to over-ride.

Sex is more difficult to lower.  18 is too high, 10 is too low.  Mid-point at 14 sound good?  No, not really…  I’ll have to think on it.  It absolutely must depend on the maturity of the child.  The main point I want to change is that consent is a one-way trip now.  Regarding “close age” couples (16/17/18/19), the underage male can consent but the underage female can’t.  That sucks.  I was with a few “18 and ups” when I was under age, but if I were 18 and with a 17 year old girl, it would be illegal?  This law sucks and needs to be rethought.

Military Service.  We’ve mostly got a “Nintendo Military” now.  Guided bombs, remote rockets.  Why not let the kids play along?  My little brother kicks the crap out of me at ANY video game.  His kid will be better than him.  Every generation is getting better at MDK (Murder, Death, Kill) and so to be a military remote pilot, you must be UNDER 18.  Soon, parents will be able to subsidize their pay with outsourcing their kids to play video games for the military.

Crime.  The big one.  The one that got this rant started.  “He’ll be tried as an adult”.  Then why have the line between juvenile/adult at all?  The law says I can cause all the trouble I want up until my 18^th birthday but maybe some judge will decide to change the rules mid-game?  From now on, there is no age of distinction for juvenile/adult.  It will depend on the crime and the maturity of the child.  It is very possible for a 13 year old child to be put to death for a crime like murder.

VALID CELEBRITY STATUS

Why are some of these people famous?  I think we have to start carding these people.  Ask for their credentials once in a while.  Even re-evaluate known celebrities occasionally.

“Excuse me Mr. Depp, I need to review your celebrity status.  OK, everything seems to be in order, a long file of movies, a current release, decent overall box-office…  You may go.”

“Mr. Nicholson, your papers please.  No current movies, most recent releases were abysmal; but your lifetime of work maintains your status as a cultural icon.  You may go.”

“Nichole Ritchie, papers please…”  OK, that one is just too easy but having a famous relative or being on a “reality” show does not make you a celebrity.

Winning what basically equates to a game show makes you a footnote, a Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit question, not a celebrity.  Another thing, no more “exclusive nude celebrity photos” of people that are only famous for taking off their clothes in the first place.  Naked pictures of Pamela Anderson or Anna Nichole Smith do not impress me.  Authentic naked pictures of the Queen of England might.

But really, where is Andy Warhol when you need him.  I’d like to cross him with Flavor Flav.  A 6-foot, gay, black, eccentric weirdo with a giant clock around his neck running up to has-beens (and never-was’s) on the red carpet screaming, “Your fifteen minutes are up BOYYYYY!”

OVER-ZEALOUS RELIGION

Churches have ruined most religions.  Interpretations and translations of “holy texts” by man have diluted the original meanings and have bowed to the politics of the times.  Religion (as I see it) should be free-flowing, spiritually-moving and very personal.  Other people prefer to see it as rigid and mournful.  Most others seem to fall between those two points.  Much to the chagrin of my co-Emperors, I will NOT be outlawing or otherwise tampering with religion but I WILL impose one point of my own religious beliefs; Personal Religion.  Keep it personal!  Enough of trying to bully everyone into your religion.  Let everyone worship their own gods in their own way and they will provide you the same courtesy.  You have your beliefs, they have theirs.

This does not mean that religious discussions and disagreement will stop.  It means that when I want to do something, say, grab a drink at the bar or buy a lottery ticket; I don’t need to hear how it is a sin and that I’m going to hell.  They’re not sins to me and my gods so shut the fuck up about it already.  Think about that as you sit there eating a steak next to the silent Hindu.  He isn't leaning over to your table and preaching about not eating beef is he?  Well OK then.

PUNISHMENT: For those that insist on badgering other people about violating what religious restrictions they have imposed upon themselves, we have a special treat.  Religious instruction.  The offender must attend other religion’s services for 2 months straight.  They will be respectful (acknowledging the crucifix in the cathedral/removing their shoes in the mosque/covering their head in the synagogue etc…) and they must take a test to prove they learned about the religions of the world before re-entering society.

Second offence; crucifixion.

“REALITY” SHOWS

Stupid.  The shows, the people that are on them, the people that make them and the people that watch them.  Some of us get sucked in to it once in a while.  Like a train wreck, I just couldn’t turn my head and I saw 3 or 4 episodes of “Flavor of Love”.  I feel like I lost a few IQ points watching it too.  Amusing, entertaining, but stupid!  My issue is more with the shows with the mundane people rather than the “celebreality” shows.
The whole premise of these “reality” shows are to see real people in real situations.  Well, if you’re that interested, go outside once in a while.  Rather than watch it unfold on TV, drop the remote, and join reality with the rest of us.  Some of these people actually schedule their lives around being home in time to watch other people living their lives.  Huh?

PUNISHMENT:  Everyone has guilty pleasures, watch what you want.  But if someone reports that you are watching too much reality TV as to get in the way of your own reality, here’s what we are going to do for you.  You get a new job.  Casinos, Wal-Mart, Inconvenience stores, they all have cameras and they are all recording.  They need people to screen these tapes looking for crooks.  Your new job is to watch reality unfold before your eyes in black and white on a 4” screen.  By the end of the day, you’ll want to go out and experience life for yourself and I’ll bet you’re tired of reality TV.

STEALING

Simple.  You lose your right arm just above the elbow.  I don’t know if it’s truth or urban legend about that’s how they handle crime in the middle-east.  I don’t care if it’s true over there or not; It’s true over here now.

PUNISHMENT: Loss of limb AND repayment of stolen goods.

OVERSEAS ADOPTION

OK, it’s cute, you got your notoriety and press for being a humanitarian.  Now, let’s do something for those thousands of kids that need homes here in your own country.  House the homeless and feed the hungry here at home.  Then, we can go out and save the world.  Adopting foreign babies may be trendy but kids are not accessories.  Clean up the problems in your own yard before crusading through the world trying to make yourself look good.

PUNISHMENT: You want to abandon your homeland to help out in the 3rd world?  How nice of you, now you get to live there.  And don't come back.

THE GREAT ABORTION DEBATE

OK, this one is where I become unpopular.  There is no way to bridge these two points of view.  I’ve said all along that as a male, I have no real voice in this argument but as Emperor, I will stop the arguing.  It’s going to sound cold but, it’s legal.  The only argument against it is religious in nature.  No culture that I know of counts the unborn on a census.  So when we throw religion out of the equation, it comes down to eliminating a child that would have a shitty life if it were actually born.  There is some reason why mommy is trying to stop you from coming around.  Why let these people get born, grow up unwanted or unloved and end up as problems when they are adults?  Nope, it’s legal but, you only get ONE!  You’re not using abortion as birth control.

PUNISHMENT: Anyone attempting a second abortion will have their “parts” ripped out instead.  (Extenuating circumstances will be presided over on a case by case basis.)

MOVIE TAMPERING

No more monkeying around with the "BIG" movies.  There is a certain class of film that makes up pop culture.  Since the impression of pop culture changes with each generation and also within each generation, the new mandate is centered on the Emperor's (that's me again) point of view.  Don't colorize the classic black/whites, don't add footage to the contemporary classics, and NEVER pull a "Darrin" by digitally replacing actors!  I have a very long list of my favorite movies, most of them I know the lines by heart.  I'll know if you change them...

PUNISHMENT: Writers/Directors/Producers etc. that insist on changing the movies years later will be rounded up and forced to edit/rewrite people's home movies.  Imagine, Bob the mailman's family Disney World vacation as told by George Luca$.  Florence the waitress' wedding videos directed by Scorsese.

HIGHWAY FACILITY ADVERTISING

This one is near and dear to my heart.  I have lived this nightmare several times in the last year.  In order to have your business listed on the highway exit signs, you must:

1. Be open until at least 10pm.
2. Have public restrooms available.
3. Be within 1 mile of the highway intersection.

Along I-75, there are several stretches of road that nearly had me pulling out my reciprocating saw and committing violence against road signs.  Driving along, I knew I needed gas soon but I also wanted to stop a little further down the road because I wasn’t tired yet and I knew I would be.  A planned, I got tired just about the time I needed gas.  I needed to use the bathroom too.  I see the signs for gas stations and I pull off the highway.  As I approach the stop sign, the signs that tell you which direction and how far away are telling me 2.7 miles in one direction and 2.1 miles in the other.  Why bother?!  I pull back on to I-75 and hit the next exit.  As I pull up to the stop sign (I really gotta pee now) the sign says 5.7 miles!  Are they fucking kidding me?  I pull back on to I-75 and finally saw another exit and this time I saw a “Shell” sign in the distance.  I pull off and the fucking place is CLOSED!  It was 8:30p on a Wednesday!  Being the only place around for miles, I guess they thought they could afford to close early?  I got back on I-75 and thankfully the next exit had 4 open gas stations.  I had to pull 2 U-turns to get to one but that’s another problem for another time.