PC POLICE

Notice earlier I used the word “cripple”?  Ohh man, some people want to censor that.  It’s not cripple, it’s “handicapped” or even worse, “handicapable”.  Fuck these people.  I’m tired of having to change my language simply because a special interest group successfully lobbied for a cooler name.

George Carlin did a few nice rants on this so instead of copying from him I’ll keep my own thoughts on this subject short.  Using non-PC terms does not constitute an indication of my insensitivities, it is an indication of your over-sensitivities.  I am not “portly” or “heavy”.  I am a fat bastard.

PUNISHMENT: Correcting anyone for using non-PC terminology gets you thrown in a cell with nothing but pen and paper and a complete library of works by the Marquis deSade.  You can not come out of the cell until you have read all the books and written a nice report proving your knowledge of his works as well as your "rehabilitation".

HATE CRIMES

There is no such thing.  The fact that Bob killed Bill is enough.  The fact that Bill is black and Bob is white is irrelevant.  The crime is heinous enough without making everyone feel better by punishing someone more just because of the color of the victim’s skin.  If you kill a man, you should be punished regardless how he differs from you.

You’re straight, he’s gay.  You’re white, he’s black.  You’re alive, he’s dead.  Guess which difference is of the more importance to his family.  The motivation of your crime is pointless.

Punishments will be handed down according to the crime, not by who happens to be the “minority of the moment”.

DRUGS

You don’t have to hold any more 4:20 stoner fests.  Pot is now legal.  So are all other drugs.  They will be regulated and taxed just like alcohol and tobacco.  You know too much of any thing is bad for you.  You know drugs can be addictive.  You’re on your own.  Holding back pot while mass-marketing beer, liquor and cigarettes is just plain stupid.  You can now buy your drug of choice in any convenience store.  Three things are accomplished by this.

1: The police can focus on real crimes and not worry about harmless hippies burning one in the backyard.

2: Revenue raised from the taxes on this stuff can be put to good use building my palace…

3: Darwin will ensure that the weaker species will kill themselves off by overdosing on the hard drugs.

Also, the taxes on alcohol and tobacco can be lowered now.  Why target smokers any more than the rest of you?  Grow your own, buy it from the man on the corner, buy it from your Mom, I don’t care.

“SOUTHERN PRIDE”

The rebel flag.  No more of this BS about “It’s heritage, not hate”.  I’ve seen all the arguments for and against it.  I'm tired of these rednecks thinking they are fooling us by calling their confederate flag “history”.  Yeah, I know its history, I know all about it.  The South did not win and no, the South shall not rise again.  Pride in your rebel flag is equated to a German flying the battle flag of the 3rd Reich rather than the modern Black, Red and Gold.  The confederacy and the 3^rd Reich both FAILED!  They were the losers of their time.  And it’s not like it was a big contest.  Coming in second place in a contest of a thousand is cool and maybe you could be proud of your little “second place” trophy.  Coming in second in a contest of two just means you are DEAD LAST!  If you are proud of your country, fly the American flag.  Dipshit!

PUNISHMENT: Do we really need to punish these pathetic losers any further?  Well, yes.  Yes we do.  If we see a rebel flag, we burn it and the property it is on, truck, trailer-home, t-shirt, whatever....

RECHTSFAHRGEBOT

As long as we’ve touched on the Germans, I’ll take something from their Autobahn.  Rechtsfahrgebot is a traffic law that says if the right lane is open, you’d better be in it.  The left lane is for passing only.  Too many times I’ve been behind the elephant race of two truckers side by side going 52 in a 70 mph or some jackass riding along in the left lane with nowhere to go and all the time in the world to get there.  Some of us have destinations, some of us have jobs, and some of us have lives!  Get the hell out of the left lane!!!

PUNISHMENT: Open season on anyone driving in the left lane for no reason.  Put them into the wall.

DOUBLE DIPPING ON HOLY DAYS

Multiculturalism is good and I applaud it but pick one religion and stick to its holidays when it comes to time off from work.  I first noticed this with my Jewish friends but now it seems everyone is doing it.  The guy I knew took off for high holy days, Chanukah and all the rest but also took off on Christmas and Easter.  You want the whole week off for Passover?  Hey pagan boy, if you want all the Sabbats and Esbats to count as your religious holidays?  Then you get to work the midnight shift on Christmas.  It’s only fair.  We need someone to cover the shift, let the Christians have their holy days off too.  And no technicalities like being black and Christian so you can take both Kwanzaa and Christmas.  This rule only applies to inconveniencing others (like co-workers and such).  Celebrate every holy day possible if you want, you just can’t take off of work for them.

PUNISHMENT: You are converted into a Mormon and have to work through ALL the holidays.

TURN SIGNALS

Everyone wants to complain about them, who has ever suggested a solution?  Well now I have.  My new safety device will be retro-fitted onto every car.  A sensor will measure how far the vehicle goes in a straight line with the directional blinker on. Any more than a half mile and the car pulls over into the median, counts down from 2 minutes and EXPLODES!!  This will make the roads much safer for people like me that yell and scream at these people so much that we risk stroking out!

PUNISHMENT: No more car.

BAD KARAOKE SINGERS

A lot of people have done it.  I’ve done it and said I never would.  If you get drunk enough, karaoke sounds like a good idea.  Fun for a few minutes, but it turns ugly when one guy hogs the microphone.  And it’s always the BAD singers that think they should run the show.

The new rule states:  The same person can not sing two songs in a row, must wait 4 songs before singing again and can only sing a total of 3 times in one night.  Let the other aspiring “stars” make fools of them selves.

PUNISHMENT: You will be strapped into a chair, gagged and forced to listen to music for 24 hours for the first offense.  The music will be custom selected by a panel of judges.  For some it will be Myron Floren doing polkas on the accordion for others it will be “Cradle of Filth” and for yet others, “Edie Brickell singing with the Starlight Vocal Band”.  Custom-made Hells for each of you.  The punishment steps up to 7 days for the second offense and a death sentence for the third offense.

You’re going to find that even the smallest infractions bring a death sentence after 2 or 3 offenses.  My thought on this is, once is a mistake, twice should be considered a problem, and three times means you just aren’t listening, you are trying to cause trouble or just can’t learn from your own mistakes.  These types of people need to be eliminated.

NO MORE “WOODSTOCK” RIP-OFFS

Music promoters trying to make a buck off of a one-time moment in nostalgia.  Stop it.  There was only one.  There will never be another.  I missed it; I wasn’t born for another 3 years.  But trying to recreate it is blasphemous.  It will never happen again.  Altamonte, Woodstock ’99.  You’re just wrong for trying.  Come up with something new.  If you want to recreate 3 days of peace and love, music is NOT where to look for it today.  Have you idiots turned in a radio in the last few decades?  Nothing peaceful there.  Stop desecrating something beautiful.

PUNISHMENT: Same as above but for 30 days and this time you get it “A Clockwork Orange” style instead.

WUSS BIKERS

I’m tired of seeing these wanna-be bikers driving into Daytona for Bike Week driving an SUV towing a trailer with their bike on it.  Ride it in.  It’s “Bike Week”, not “Candy-Assed Trailer Week”.  Too many people are driving in comfort and pull the bike out just for show.  The only way this is even mildly acceptable is if you live in Wisconsin, Montana, California…  The point is, really far away.  These dorks are trailering in these bikes from Tampa, Orlando and Miami; all within 3 hours drive.  These freaking doctors and lawyers want to play weekend warrior, let them get saddle sore like everyone else.  Bike Week is a time to celebrate bikes, not being an air-conditioned pussy!

Although, I guess that is changing.  More and more, these yuppies are passing by the “Hog’s Breath Saloon” and pulling into “Hooters” thinking they are really living it up…  Dicks.  Teresa fought me on this one saying, “Well, what if he wants to bring his wife and kids?”  Exactly my point!  Bike week is not for wives and kids, it’s for strippers and beer.  If you wanna bring the wife, call her your ‘old lady’ and strap her on the back of the bike, leave the kids at home unless they’re riding next to you.

PUNISHMENT: Forfeiture of bike.  Highway check-points with my troopers and a car crusher.  If we see someone trailering a bike anywhere near Daytona (Sturgis, wherever the gathering is) we pull them over, check the ID and if they live within 400 miles, into the car crusher or shredder they go.  The bike, not the person.  Although…