The First 10 Commands

(and other various trespasses)

EXTRA “E”s


A tax is hereby levied on unnecessary usage of the letter “e”.  This tax is only enforceable when the offending “e” is used in the English language (British AND American versions).  That is, until I learn any other language enough to discover some new offensive letters.
Examples include: Pointe/Point and Shoppe/Shop. I don’t care how long it’s been around or how traditional these versions are, they’re gone!


PUNISHMENT: The offender is taxed and all signage is destroyed.

 


 BATHROOM ATTENDANTS


Attention all bathroom attendants; you are now unemployed.  I have been potty trained since I was a small child.  (OK, I was 23…)  I don’t need a grown man hanging around just to smell my poo and spray obnoxious green cologne on me. Then he wants a tip just because he handed me a towel that I could have grabbed for myself?  Fuck ‘em. Get a real job you perverts. Maybe work for an old-folks-home, you like watching people pee? OK, go help Harold while he screams and moans while pissing on the wall and on his shoes.


PUNISHMENT:  Unemployment.

 

REFLECTIVE STUFF ON THE BACK OF VEHICLES


Driving home from Miami the other night and had to go through Daytona just after the Daytona 500.  A couple of semi-trucks hauling NASCAR cars passed by and suddenly I couldn’t see.  It was 10pm and I was blinded by my own headlight reflection in the mirror-like finish of the truck in front of me.  Not too long ago, a pickup did the same to me reflecting the sunlight.  This stuff has got to stop; someone’s going to get killed.  I mean really, soon I’ll just have to kill one of these assholes.


PUNISHMENT: Forfeiture of all vehicles owned, even if the others aren’t reflective.

 

TRAFFIC “LINE CUTTERS”

These people are so much better than you or I? Why is it we have to wait patiently in line but these VIPs get to run all the way up to the end of the traffic ‘situation’ and cut in at the last moment.  Or worse, those ones that cut over 3 lanes of traffic and weave in and out, trying to get the rest of us killed. I have the solution to this problem.  Razor-sharp blades that pop up in the solid white lines during peak traffic.  We’ll leave them down for most of the day but as soon as the sensors notice that traffic is moving below speed limit, up pop the razors and shreds the tires of anyone cutting in line.

PUNISHMENT: Buy new tires.

You may think this will cause more traffic problems with broke down cars, but we have dealt with that situation… See below.



RUNNING OUT OF GAS ON A BRIDGE

Old ladies, young kids, poor people and people that are too busy to stop and get gas. All of these people neglect their cars until something goes wrong.  Inevitably, it will go wrong on the up stretch of a bridge, right in front of me. They’ve overheated, they’ve run out of gas, they’ve finally wore through those skin tight tires; and now they’re in our way.   Well, worry no longer my people. All bridges (and soon all highways) will have a renovation that makes this trouble a thing of the past. Arch-cranes.

A huge mobile arch that moves the length of the bridge and has a huge crane attached. When there is a breakdown, the crane picks up the car and winches it up over the traffic lane.  The offender can then slide their credit card through the arch-crane’s interface and pay the $500 fee to have it safely moved to the closest end of the bridge. If they do not have their credit card or refuse to pay, the vehicle is dumped over the side of the bridge where it will no longer be neglected by its owner and serve as an artificial reef.

PUNISHMENT: $500 fee or forfeiture of car.

 


FAT PEOPLE PRETENDING OBESITY IS A DISABILITY

Eating too many Twinkies is not a disability or a disease. It is a sign of someone with no will power or someone who just doesn’t care about life and or health.  Too many fat bastards are getting handicapped parking tags. From now on, those who are grossly overweight will get new parking tags.  These new tags will require them to park the FURTHEST distance possible from the building. In fact, if they live less than 5 miles from work, they can’t own a car.  Walk to work or ride a bicycle. If these fat bastards start parking a ways out or walking to work, maybe they’ll drop some of that weight.

Fat people can also no longer ride elevators if they are going to the second floor. Take the stairs! I take the stairs if I’m going 1 floor up or 2 floors down.  Not because I’m fat, I just don’t like waiting on elevators and it’s normally faster my way.  I am fat and I don’t walk too much but the day I have to take up a cripple’s parking spot because I’m out of breath walking through a parking lot… just shoot me.

PUNISHMENT: Did you ever see the movie ‘Se7en’? I hope you like spaghetti.

 

FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS


Speaking of fat people, I’m tired or people that sue McDonald’s for making them fat or Marlboro for giving them cancer. It's an opportunistic money-making scheme.  "I didn't know it would hurt me, they made it too easy for me to do it, I want 200 million dollars!"  If you were born after the 60's, you can't say that you weren't warned that smoking will kill you.  If you wake up in the morning and can't see your feet beyond your belly, it's not McDonald's fault, it's not Little Debbie's fault, it's your fault!  Exercise some self control and put the Twinkies down! Put the cigarette down. If you really want to stop, you'll try. No one is putting a gun to your head and making you eat their crappy food.

PUNISHMENT: Lawyers that take cases like this lose their license forever.

 

HANDICAP PARKING HOGS

That’s another thing that’s going to change. Too many people have handicap parking tags and nothing’s wrong with them. Hang-nails are not going to get you a parking pass in my administration.  You’d god-damn well better be a cripple if you want special rights to park in front of a building. Missing a leg counts, missing an arm doesn’t.  Not being able to clap doesn’t hinder you from walking to your car like the rest of us.  Severe stroke victims count, a bad limp doesn’t. Walk it off limp-boy and save those parking passes for people that can’t walk.

I may come across like an asshole on this one but I’ve seen too many people (with tags) jump out of the car and jog into WAL-MART. What the hell is wrong with these people? Nothing at all.  This will also allow me to cut the number of handicap parking places in half. Saving up the entire front of a parking lot for the occasional need is senseless.  Most of these people are in wheelchairs anyway. Soon everyone will have the cool floating disk that Yoda rides on and there will be NO special parking.

PUNISHMENT: To park in a cripple spot, you must be truly handicapped. If not, you lose your right leg on the spot.

 

SPINNING HUBCAPS


Yeah, they may be cute, they may be trendy, but they fuck with my sense of movement and timing. It looks like they are standing still but they are coming through the intersection at me...  I’m not making them illegal but anyone with them on their car faces automatic fault in ANY accident.  I don’t care if an airplane drops out of the sky and hits you, it will be your fault.

PUNISHMENT: Automatic fault for all accidents.


STRAIGHT SLOTTED SCREWDRIVERS


Their time has past.  Maybe 60 years ago!  When assembly lines and machining came into the mainstream, the Roberson head (square) was invented and then the Phillips head.  There is no reason I have to bang my knuckles while driving an outdated piece of technology. What the hell use is a straight slot over any others?  And I'm not too far away from banning the Phillip's head type as well.

All screws and screwdrivers are to be rounded up and rehabilitated if possible or exterminated if not. The screwdrivers can be used to pry open paint cans or something.

Forward to another page of my megalomaniacal ravings.

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Last Updated: 09/28/06 02:57 PM