April 2005

Tuesday, 4-26-5

I've been restless recently. I want to do something, I just don't know what it is yet. I am tired of being stagnant all in the name of money. I am sitting here all day trapped in a lousy job simply because I have become accustomed to the money. I am afraid to shake things up and take those chances. I want to buck the system and drop out. I want to make changes. I want to be someone else, I want to be myself.
I can see that I am getting closer to throwing my hands in the air and just living for the moment. I can also see that I will never actually reach that point though. I have to plan carefully. I can not take those chances without plotting a course. I am a navigator who wants (but is afraid) to cut the rudder free and let the winds take me where they will.
I have come to where it is possible. I just need to make that leap. I need to trust in myself and those around me. I must give up my controlling nature and allow nature to control me.
I'm confused. Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way? Why do I despise what I am becoming? Why do I feel that making these changes are too risky? Why am I asking you?
OK, thanks for letting me get that out. I feel better, now back to our regularly scheduled life.

Tuesday, 4-19-5

The van hates me. It mocks me from its perch high above me on the tow truck.
It broke down again. White smoke billowed from underneath. Does that elect me as the new Pope? I'll take the gig if I can get it but I think you have to be Catholic. Or at least Christian. I'll take the name Pope John Paul George Ringo. And no one will laugh because religious humor just isn't funny.

This time it was a blown radiator hose. I didn't know that when I had it towed 40 miles from Hilliard into Jacksonville. Another $270 we don't have. When the van started sputtering, smoking and lost power, I thought it was related to the timing belt trouble. I assumed that something was loose or broken from the previous surgery. A safe assumption with the timing belt being replaced less than 100 miles ago. So I had it towed in to Rocky because if it was something they did, they'd cover the charges. WRONG!! It was a mere coincidence and something I could have had fixed up here in Hilliard for $20! You know what? It doesn't matter that the van hates me. I'm starting to hate that van.

Last night, I made nice with the van and talked real pretty to her. I also smudged her inside and out and paid close attention under the hood and under the chassis. I figure if routine maintenance isn't enough for her, maybe it's time to look to outside sources for a safe driving vehicle. 1 accident and 2 breakdowns in 2 months? Something is wrong. If this doesn't work, I'm calling Father Merrin and we're doing a full on exorcism! I think I can pull that off, me being the new Pope and all...

Thursday, 4-14-5

Yeah, I needed this problem this week.
I've learned through the years, to take care of my vehicles. The van has been running smooth and my computer just popped up a reminder that it is coming due for an oil change soon. I've been real good to the van. Tuesday on the way home, it stalled in traffic and refused to start. There were no warnings at all, it just died.
I called Rocky and he said he'd look at it tomorrow. I had it towed over and took the Rodeo into work. At least it worked out that I'm working the midnight shift that night.
Rocky called and said it was the timing belt. $536 to replace it (including the towing charge) BUT, there may be further damage. Actually the word he used was that there SHOULD be further damage. I guess when a timing belt breaks, the pistons/valves just all hang out together and bang heads. Kind of like being at one of my parties. It will probably end up being a $1800 job if it happened.

I picked up the van and we talked a little about cars and stuff, he's a friend of the family type guy. He said I was pretty lucky. He told me about a guy with a the same engine and said "the worst thing you could have done was try to start it up again. As soon as you do that, it's all over, everything inside gets bent". He looked at me funny because I kind of stayed silent and smiled sheepishly. I tried to start that thing probably 30 times after it died. I thought there was some gas/air/spark problem. I didn't know. Everyone it the shop is calling me wonderboy now. They are amazed that I got away with it. No damage to the engine at all. I have an "interference" engine and it's extremely rare to see it so clean after a timing belt snap, especially since I kept trying to turn it over.
So, not that I could really afford the $536, I'm happy that it didn't cost me more and I'm happy that this wasn't due to my neglect. Yeah, I know NOW that you are supposed to change the timing belt every 60,000 miles but I didn't know that then!

Monday, 4-11-5

Had a bipolar weekend. One of the greatest Saturdays and a miserable Sunday.

Saturday, I spent the day with Teresa and Becca up until 3:00 when I left to go to Wade and Dianne's. I don't get as much time with the two of them as I'd like so even though we didn't go out and do anything spectacular, it was nice to just be around.
At 3:00, I headed over to gear up for my first night dive. This will be my first full dive as a recreational diver and not a student. Not that I'll ever stop learning. But now I can just dive and explore, no drills other than refreshers...
I had a couple of interesting moments. When I first entered the water, I was knee deep and it was cold. Spring water is always cold. I tried to hold my mask and my fins as I jumped out into the water. I tried to swim but the weights were pulling me down, I hadn't put air in my vest yet so I wasn't floating. I didn't want to let go of my mask or my fins to put the air in my vest so I was trying to swim with both hands full. The water crept in on my wetsuit and DAMN it was cold! Unfortunately, when you're flailing around trying to stay afloat, the look in your eyes when you think, "my, how this water is certainly a bit frigid" looks an awful lot like "Help! Help! I'm drowning!" Wade jumped up and I waved him off. I dropped the fins and inflated my vest. I didn't realize how much it looked like I was in trouble. I didn't mean to give him a start like that.
Dianne and I paired up and we swam for a minute so I could get used to the feel again. I couldn't wait to go under again. We were ready and down we went. Into the cavern at Ginnie Springs. As I entered the cavern, the darkness wasn't as bad as I had expected. It was still light out on the surface and enough light came through the opening that you could see. As we went deeper, that changed. We hit our lights and followed the line down into the cavern. I hadn't been in there before but they said huge chunks of the roof had fallen in since they were last in there. Kind of a scary thought, massive chunk of limestone on your head. Ouch!
At the bottom of the cavern, we were completely reliant on our lights. Looking up at the ceiling gave me one of the coolest views I think I've ever seen. As the air bubbles floated up, they formed pockets on the cavern ceiling. Looking at the bottom of an air pocket, it's all silver and shimmering and in constant motion. It looked like pools of mercury! I really wish I had a camera for that.
Bad moment #2. After only 10 minutes down, Dianne started heading up into another portion of the cavern and I started to feel dizzy. Thinking I was breathing too shallow or something, I stopped, breathed deep and stayed calm. Still dizzy. Time to get out of here. I tugged on Dianne's fin and signaled an ascent. We headed out (much too fast but still not panicking) and surfaced. It was dusk and they have flood lights on the basin. It was really cool coming up into that lit water.
After Wade and Kristin surfaced we decided it was either a reverse block (opposite of your ears not clearing) or disorientation. I felt bad for pulling Dianne out of the water for something so simple but I did the right thing. The #2 rule of diving (#1 is NEVER hold your breath) is that anyone can call the dive at any time. I felt uncomfortable and called it. I'd do it again too. Passing out down there is not something I want to do.
Kristin didn't want to dive again and Dianne stayed with her. Well after dark, Wade and I went back into the cavern, me in the lead. When we got to the same point, I felt it again. I stopped, pulled in close to the wall and focused on a rock pattern. The dizziness went away. I looked around and it came back briefly. Focus, gone. It never came back. We stayed down for a while and saw some really cool stuff. I swam down and held on to the grating that keeps everyone out of one part of the cave system. You can feel the flow of the spring. If you let go, you flow backward with it. We swam around a large structure and came up behind it looking out to where we just were. Looking through a crack that you can just barely squeeze through. We had a good time and came out after 30 minutes or so.
I had a blast and can't wait for the next dive. There's talk of a possible salt-water dive soon. Man I wish I had more money, this can get expensive real quick. I wanna go diving all the time!!!

As for Sunday, I intended to get back to Wade's to help clean and rinse the diving gear. I never got over there because I was blindsided by a much more personal issue. Well, I can't say I was blindsided, with recent events I knew there were issues. I just never expected the venom from this direction. Teresa and I spent the day in chaos trying to figure out how and why this happened.
Never trust anyone other than yourselves. When a friend turns on you, they know all about you. How to exploit you and where all the bodies are buried letting them create lies that sound like truth. More importantly, friends know where your weak spots are and how to hurt you the most.
What a crappy way to end a great weekend.

Friday, 4-8-5

The tree I was worried about last weekend? GONE! I was going to take it down and I talked to a few friends about it. Most everyone said that we could do it. Another said it was dangerous and stupid so he talked to a friend who knows a guy...
I came home and there's a pile of brush, a pile of cut wood and a 4" stump. Now it exposed the really ugly telephone pole on the corner of my yard. Can we cut that down too?
So the whole tree is down, most of the debris hauled away and the only payment I made is this fat dude walks up to me holding a kitten and says, "Some day... and that day may never come, I may ask you to perform a small service..."
It's nice to know "people who know people" but now I'm indebted to the mob for a magnolia tree.

Monday, 4-4-5

Happy April everybody!
I've been very busy dealing with a lot of stuff around the house. I was still recuperating from my festival sleep patterns and got a little sick. I'm just getting over it now but Teresa's home sick today with it.

Friday's poker game was in the middle of a large party at Wade's house. I lost again but Teresa played all night with the big-boys. When we first got there, Nighthawk grabs me and says, "Man, you never told me you were a Kit player" and I responded, "Dude, I never touched her!" I guess you kind of had to be there...

Remember the tree in my front yard that was damaged in the hurricanes? Well, it's starting to worry me. All it's weight is on one side, it's already leaning that way and both of our vehicles are parked under the direct path of a collapse. I was going to cut it down myself but it was too windy on Saturday and all I did was look at it. In looking at it, I decided that I may have to call in a pro. The tree is leaning on the main power lines, main phone line, main cable line, my phone and cable drop and my neighbor's power drop. I could do it but I would require EVERYTHING to go as expected. And we know that never happens. For once, I think reality will prevail and I will not try to do this myself. Unless they want too much money for it. Quite possibly I may end up attempting this anyway, but at least I'll look at calling in a pro first.

Onward to May 2005 Back to Updates