All the stuff from the last 4 and a half months

Most of this stuff was written on scraps while I was out of town, sitting in a hotel room, waiting in an airport or even while driving. There are no dates for most of these entries.

You have to read from the bottom up if you want it in order.

Sunday, 2-26-6

Here is the link to the new site.

Our new website homepage The address is:
http://home.bellsouth.net/p/PWP-cmmorgan1

The new site may be ugly for a little while but it's all part of the progress of moving.

The current page (the one you are viewing now) will be closed down SOON!
We are canceling our Comcast account as of March 1 so I don't know how long it will take them to lock out these pages. I'll be transferring the rest of the site Monday and Tuesday night but you probably won't see it for a week or 2.

OK, change those bookmarks because this site won't be here much longer...

Wednesday, 2-22-6
We're moving!!!
Don't panic, we're not moving to Pennsylvania yet. Teresa and I are getting off Comcast and moving to BellSouth. The rates are rising again for Cable and for Internet. We're already paying $170 a month and that's without HBO/Showtime or Skinimax! Saturday the guy came out and installed the satellite dish and Sunday I got the router configured for the new DSL service.
Most of you have already received an e-mail from Teresa giving you her new e-mail address. I'll send mine out this weekend.
I'm not sure where this'll be moving to. A friend has made me a generous offer of hosting my lousy little website on his domain. I think that's the way to go but it will involve finding the time to get over there and do it before the end of the month. Not gonna happen.
So! As it stands, I'll put up new updates and such on the BellSouth site until I can get the time to get the site moved to the new domain. I'll keep the archives and put them up but I believe this is the perfect time for me to do the total revamping I have wanted to do around here.
I'll post the new URL and e-mail addresses as soon as I get them.

Tuesday, 2-7-6
So where ya been Chris?
"Well, I've been everywhere man, I've been everywhere... Miami, Tamiami, Melbourne, Daytona, New Smyna, Gainesville, St. Augustine, Ft. Myers, Naples, Tampa, Birmingham, Anniston, Huntsville, Atlanta, Carrollton, Fuller, Meridian, Greenwood, Memphis and Macon. I've been everywhere man, ...."
Ok, so mine don't fit the rhyme scheme. Dig up Johnny Cash and see if he does any better this week. The fact that I have a pulse seems to give me the advantage...

I've decided that if I don't get a post up this week, I'll stop doing the web page thingy permanently.
I'm on the road more than I'm at home. For example; I arrived home 11:30pm on Friday and was back on the road 12:30pm on Sunday. 37 hours. Not much time for the family and ZERO time for a web page. Somewhere in there they expect me to sleep too!!!
So, if you're reading this, it means I found a few spare moments and a mountain of motivation to get this up here. Everything has been so busy, so tedious, that even when I have a little down time, I can't concentrate on putting this web site back together and the longer I wait, the more that has to be done.

I have been writing, but it's been hard to find the time to type it all in. I have been writing like the old days. My stories are back in my head and they all seem to get written on the back of McDonald bags and airport bar napkins. I am fighting myself to MAKE the time to get back on this website because, well, because even if NO ONE reads it, I like writing it. I am back on it now and should have regular updates like normal. I just need to have more patience with myself.
Patience. Something I never really learned.

"Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience"
"Yeah, yeah, patience... How long will that take!?!?!"

So, in an effort to regain my footing, I am making the following updates:
Monthly updates are to continue and there is one long update with the last 4 and a half months of the missing dates in it.
Trivial update has one update and I hope to get another one up next week.
Karen update will be up soon. Teresa hasn't written one because she knew I wasn't going to post it any time soon.
Track of the week will be back but I don't have any way of posting it until I return home.
There are also new pictures that can be posted but those will also have to wait. I don't have them on this puter.
All of this is subject to change because as I was leaving on Monday, Teresa was talking with BellSouth.Net about DSL and I may have to move all this over... Don't know....

It's coming. I'm back. I promise.

Monday, 2-6-6
I'm supposed to be on my way to Carrollton, Georgia this morning but I'm sitting here at home. Heffner went to the islands this weekend and he won't be back until 4:00 or so. I'm waiting for him so he doesn't have to drive his own truck up there. It gives me time to catch up on a few things. I promised pictures to one person, to another a critique of their webpage and I need to catch up on my e-mail.
It is amazing how many people have to buy new keyboards and monitors on a regular basis. Every time they read anything even remotely funny, they reply that they've just "spit coffee all over the computer". These poor people. I haven't actually run intro these types yet but I'm sure I'll recognize them, there's stains all down the front of their shirts. These are the same people that forward these "gems" to everyone they know. The short-term memory these people suffer from keeps them from remembering that they forwarded these same jokes last year, and the year before... My Inbox is full of e-mails that I laughed at 10 years ago. Oh well, I guess some people just have a low humor threshold and just feel the need to tell me how funny that was. Now if you'll just excuse me, I just saw something on the TV that was funny, now I have to go spit coffee at my computer.

Wednesday, 2-1-6

Work is alright for now. The travel is just not my gig. Some people love it. I'll never understand Lee and Akira. They work 6 months in a foreign country, travel through home for one week and out they go to another site for 6 more months. And they LOVE it! I'd love to see all the countries, work in all these different cultures, but I just don't want to be away from my family for that long. If I wanted to be gone that long, I wouldn't have had a family. If you're that miserable at home that 6 months away from your wife is a GOOD thing, then why the hell are you still together? I just don't get it. Four days at a time, 16 days occasionally, that's about it for me. Any more than that and I may as well sell my house (and everything in it) and live on the road.

But, for the time being, the travel isn't so bad. Chris and I are working well together and all the INCO people are easy to get along with. The only trouble is there are too many monkeys afraid to touch the banana.
Imagine a room with 4 monkeys in it. Lower a banana into the center and all 4 monkeys will go for it. Spray them all with cold water and they'll back off. Keep doing this until you can leave the banana in the room and no one reaches for it.
Now replace one of the monkeys. The new monkey will go for the banana. The other 3 will attack him, afraid to get sprayed with the water. Eventually the new monkey will not reach for the banana. Now replace the other monkeys one at a time. You will end up with a room full of monkeys afraid to reach for the banana but have never been sprayed with the cold water.
I'm working with these monkeys. Their favorite phrase is, "That's the way we've always done it". If you come up with something that makes more sense than what 'the elders' have passed on to us, you get a look like you were talking about Egyptian Algebra. Government contracts are the enemy of all things efficient and sensible.

Our schedule for the next few weeks takes us out to Carrollton, GA, down to Brooksville, FL, and then we're out to Homestead AFB. Maybe Homestead will run over into late Friday and I can find a way to get some diving in. I'll be 20 miles from Key Largo and I haven't been under in so long, I miss it terribly. After that, we spend another week back in Jacksonville and then another week Naples. By then, Officer Mayo (Joe) will be back and I don't know what will happen to me then. If the "INCO Deployment" position hasn't materialized by then, I may go back to Melbourne for a while.
Russ called me today just to see what was happening and to see if I was coming back down there. He's a cool guy and I liked hanging out with him. I'll definitely do more of those Thursday blues jam nights. That was a LOT of fun! But if I do go back I won't be there too long. Teresa and I will just start packing up boxes on the weekends I come home and get ready to move.
Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. Where we are moving to in PA is only 32 miles from Punxsutawney. The first year we are moved up there, I'm taking Teresa and Becca to see it. At least once.

Sunday, 1-29-6

So far I've been getting home on the right days. The week before last I wasn't home until Friday late but I made it to Freddy's birthday dinner at Yoshi's on Saturday. I guess sushi tastes better when your legs are asleep. I love the traditions but my fat ass was not meant to sit on the floor without laying out a little... like Jabba the Hutt. It was nice to see Freddy's parents again. They are always so nice. I really like them. His brother Justin was there and a girl we hadn't met before but Teresa, Becca and I all thought of my sister Tammy. She was just like her. Mac and his amazing baby octopi were there. Every time Becca sees an octopus, she mentions Mac. He seems like an interesting cat. I wish saw more of him and got to know him better. Freddy and I had talked about doing some drumming after dinner but I guess he changed his mind. Oh well, another time I guess.

Last week I made Bob and Larry aware that, even if I had to buy a flight out of Birmingham, I would be in Jacksonville by Saturday noon. Becca had her annual Girl Scout ball that night. I was home Thursday evening. Friday we went out to dinner and took Becca to see the Nanny McPhee movie. It was cute, very predictable but it is, after all, a children's movie. The highlight of the movie for me was seeing that they were doing the Pink Panther with Steve Martin. I'm way behind on the upcoming movies. I used to be on top of everything and knew long before most others what was coming. Now I find out from the movie trailers on my DVDs.
We all got up on Saturday morning and went out. Daddy had to get a haircut for the pictures. I haven't had any cutting on my hair since March of 2004 and it showed. I looked like the shaggy dog (which they are remaking by the way). While we were there Teresa got a cut as well and it looks nice. Of course she doesn't think so. We both got our haircut and she got 2 bottles of goo and it cost the same as her regular haircut. Half the cost and none of the proselytizing? We'll be back.
Becca had a new dress and shoes. I put on my suit and out we went, Father and daughter. We went to our regular spot, Motoga for dinner. We couldn't go out without stopping in to see our favorite waitress. She was amazed it had already been a year. She says she remembers where we sat the last 2 years we came in. It's nice to be remembered. We wished her a happy New Year's eve and Becca (and I) made it through dinner without spilling anything on our clothes.
We arrived at the dance early enough to get our pictures taken without standing in line. Becca was really excited and ready to go. When we went inside, one of the coordinators mentioned Becca's new shoes. B just looked up at me and said, "See daddy, it was important for me to have new shoes with this dress." I guess I'll never get it. She has dozens of pairs of shoes. Teresa has a lot. I wear the same 2 pair all the time. Sneakers or hiking boots. Not that I do much hiking, but that's what they are called. I also have a pair of steel-capped work boots but they are required (and paid for) by the company for certain sites so they don't count. Maybe this summer I'll get a pair of leather sandals, but that's about it for footwear for me. Becca even has the same shoes in different colors to match whatever she has on. Lada was like that but luckily, Teresa's not too bad about it. 10 maybe 15 pair. So, her new shoes mentioned, off we went to the dance floor. We had a great time dancing. I actually got out there and danced quite a bit. A sad, white-boy dance, but wasn't alone in that. All the other fathers looked just as goofy as I did. She loves the 'organized' dances. The Chicken Dance, The Electric Slide and that annoying Cha-Cha-Slide. That one drives me nuts. It's like you're being ordered around the room by some psychotic that got his hands on a microphone. When I try to imagine him all I can see is an aged Grand Master Flash locking himself into a studio booth, singing "Two jumps this time" while the men with the nice white coats are trying to break down the door so they can take him back home to the hospital. But, Becca loves it so, I guess it's all subjective and I've never been known to be very good about that.

Friday, 1-27-6
I've been working with my old maintenance tech Chris. You may remember him as "Bunny". Our first week was here in Jacksonville but you wouldn't have known it, Monday-Friday, 7am to 10pm. We were scheduled to continue into Saturday and Sunday but we finished it all up Friday. Next we had a week in Naples, a week in Birmingham, Alabama and now we're going to be here at home again this week.
Birmingham sucked. It was just that bad. The food, the service, the people. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. Even when things weren't bad, they were... ... uncomfortable. We ate at a Long John Silver's. Chris and I ordered the same thing. I got my food 15 minutes before him. The lady said they ran out of fish. Understandable, right? I mean, how was she supposed to know that people might come to Long John Silver's and order FISH! So right as he got his food and sat down (I was done by then) an elderly gentleman sat next to us. He started to talk to Chris and me about his latest episodes with the doctors and his surgeries, but only between his hacking, coughing and wheezing. I am telling you the truth; I was scanning the room for cameras. Neither of us could keep a straight face but neither of us wanted to hurt this old man's feelings. He's coughing and spittling all over Chris's food. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I took my time giving Chris time to eat and then came back with that "we gotta go" deal. It was like that all week except normally, the crazy people spitting on your food weren't so friendly.

January 2005

I haven't been keeping up with the website at all. I've been all screwed up in the head. No one wants to know what is going on up in there. Not even me. I don't have that luxury.
Melbourne again. I'm starting to make headway down here. I know the systems and can plug away at them. Only I seem to get all the circuits that have trouble. When I first came down here, I could rattle off 3 or 4 a day. Now I'm working on the same 5 since December. Oh well, that's why I'm here; to find these problems before a tech is standing there waiting on us.

Here in the NOCC they have a projection TV on the front wall showing one of the 24hr. news channel. I've been watching the footage of the plane that exploded over Miami. It's pretty creepy. I was just through there a bunch of times and on a small plane too. Could've been me. Wasn't. That's good enough for me. A few weeks ago Miami had a guy shot right off of the plane. He said he had a bomb and threatened everyone with it, the guy shot him. Good job everyone, back to work. Everyone wants to find excuses as to why he said it and try to make it "not his fault". The family said he was depressed and off his meds. Who cares? I don't care if it was an 82 year old senile pregnant woman with a hormonal imbalance. Shoot anyone that is trying to blow other people up. In fact, shoot anyone that tries to excuse these people afterwards.

The doctor just called to cancel my appointment to go over the data from my sleep test. A month or 2 ago, I went to the doctor because Teresa had strep throat and I started to feel it. My doctor started asking me questions about sore throats and snoring. She suggested I go in for a sleep test. A few weeks ago, I did.
On a Thursday night I drove home from Melbourne, changed clothes and headed to the hospital. The guy hooks all these pads and probes to me (not there thankfully) and said to relax, watch TV and buzz him when I am ready to go to sleep. The only thing on TV was American Idol or something just as agonizingly moronic so I went to sleep early that night.
I remember I was snoring because I had to sleep on my back. I couldn't roll over like normal. About 3am the tech wakes me up and hooks up an air mask that covers my nose and mouth. I had to really fight off claustrophobia. I couldn't breathe with this thing on and it was made to make my breathing easier? In the morning he told me that he was probably going to get into trouble for interrupting the test but he couldn't watch me sleep any longer because I was in danger.
Normal people's oxygen while awake and active is 97%
Most people sleep at around 94%
If you drop below 90% your brain wakes you up (not always consciously) and you breathe normal again until you fall back into deep sleep again and you drop below 90%. This happens all night and you always wake up tired. This was how he described sleep apnea to me.
He said the normal sleep apnea patient falls between 84-90%. He said I dropped to 52%. He made all kinds of calibrations, adjustments and such but I was dropping to 52 and it wasn't an error. He was afraid I'd die so he woke me up and put that mask on me. I slept like a baby after that he said. Now they want to prescribe a machine/mask for me to use ALL the time. Not gonna happen. I'll lose the weight, I'll have the surgery, whatever but I'm not sleeping with any damn mask on my face. I can't even sleep with the sheet over my face. Either my nose or my mouth must remain exposed when I sleep or I'll freak out. Strange, but true.

Just got the word from Larry that Joe is going to Officer Candidate Training or whatever it was in "An Officer and a Gentleman". They need me to re-assign to the INCO team for 2 months. Some Jacksonville jobs are coming up but there will be travel and I may be giving up the 3 day weekends. No worse than I'm working now but there is the chance I'll be home a few weeks. The people here in Melbourne won't be happy to hear it. Every time they get someone trained, they escape and someone new has to be trained all over again.

Tuesday, 12-20-5
Back in Melbourne, back at work. I normally have a decent sense of direction but for some reason, I get all turned around on the roads down here. I just can't seem to catch my bearing. Only a few more days and then I've got a week off. Repeat the Monday - Thursday routine for a few weeks and hope for the best. I can't seem to find a hotel I'm happy at. The Holiday Inn on Cocoa Beach was nice but it was a 30 mile drive into work. This time I'm at the Hilton Rialto, only a few blocks from the Harris campus (work) but it's not too impressive. No internet access, the sink backs up and they want $10 for a lame breakfast buffet.

Something bad happened this morning. I was having breakfast this morning and I was just finishing up and I heard that "thump" sound. I knew what it was before I turned around. One of the older waitresses took a wrong step and smacked her forehead on the tile floor. We all stood up to help but her co-workers already had her and had the paramedics on the phone. I kind of stood there wishing I could do something helpful but I would only be in the way, the hotel was all over it. The manager came over and knelt down to talk to her, asking if she could hear him and all. The first thing out of her mouth was, "I'm sorry" and you could hear her trying not to cry.
Well, she may not have cried but I almost did. All I could see was my Mom. The very same type of person. Trips and falls and then apologizes for slowing down the work pace. I could see a HUGE knot above her eye only 30 seconds after the fall and she's apologizing for denting the floor. These people work too hard. I miss my mommy.

Friday, 12-16-5
I'm in the Jacksonville airport now. I just dropped off Becca and T on their way to Pittsburg for a week. I'll be back in Melbourne by the time they get back. I'm sitting here in the lobby waiting for her to call and say that her plane is boarding. I used to like sitting at the gates and watching people. Here and the beach... but I don't do that anymore. I don't have that kind of idle time. Maybe things were easier when we were younger. When we had less responsibility and even less to be responsible for.
I forgot how soothing it was to sit and watch other people go on with their busy lives and I have nowhere to be. Teresa and Becca, that guy over there with the high-water pants, that woman with her fat butt sticking out of her low-riding jeans. The kids running around seemingly unsupervised, the old lady being pushed in that wheel-chair. They all have somewhere to go and a schedule to keep. Not me. Not right now. I've got the weekend off and I'm spending it minute by minute. I've got to be at work 8am Monday and nowhere in between. Right now, I'm watching couples embrace and kiss at the concourse exit and couples cry and kiss at the concourse entrance. Security guards that don't know how to do their jobs and people selling Cinnabon. None of them notice me. I sit here typing away and it seems somehow less conspicuous than it did years ago when I was scribbling in a notebook. Everyone's got a laptop now.
Well, laptops are so last week. You're not keeping up unless you've got a Blackberry. It used to be pagers, then cell phones, PDA's iPods and laptops. Now one machine the size of your hand will do all that for you. Do we need to be THAT in touch? I love it when I get away for a week without cell phones and computers. As living things evolve and adapt to their surroundings, I'm waiting to hear a bird chirp like a Nextel phone.
Ohhh, celebrity watch: Senator Bob Graham is sitting 2 seats away from me. How many people now a days can recognize their local government representatives? I would bet that 90% of the people in this room my age and probably well over 50% of all the people in this room think he's just a nice old man in a blue suit, even if he were introduced by name. Sad.

Thursday, 12-15-5
Working in Daytona today (New Smyrna Beach actually). Just as I was confident enough to be productive in Melbourne, they pull me and a few guys out to turn up 8 services at 2 airports that the FAA won't touch until mid-January. The moratorium starts tomorrow at 7pm, no one can touch circuit equipment until January 3rd but somehow these sites are critical and being watched from high above. Great. That's all I need is to work on high-visibility/high profile sites when I don't have all my tools and test gear with me. I'm using borrowed tools and gear. I hope everything goes well because they are still searching for lay-off victims.

Wednesday, 12-14-5
I've been working with a guy named Tom Jones this week.

You did it too didn't you... Started singing, "It's not unusual..." or "She's got style, she's got grace..."
I swear, I've been around this guy 2 days now and EVERY time someone mentions his name, someone starts singing. Of course, since he just got here, everyone is introduced to everyone as they come through and EVERY time!!!! I would have gone postal on someone by now but I guess he's just used to it. He says it doesn't bother him anymore and that he barely hears it now after years of ignoring it. He does say it comes in handy because everyone remembers his name and it helps him get chicks.

Monday, 12-12-5
It's 2:45am. I just came in from the beach. I've been up since 4am. I had to come down to Melbourne again. The hotel room is right on the water so I brought my djembe so I could play on the beach at night. It's cold out there and the wind is blowing a bit strongly, but it was beautiful. I've decided if I have to stay here over Thursday night, I'm going to go see Russ's band play. He said he'd like me to sit in with the band sometime. Lots of blues and SRV type stuff. Cool.

Wednesday, 12-7-5
I got to work soaking wet this morning. I drive in pre-dawn and it had been raining all night and was still coming down. Driving past Patrick AFB, I barely steered out of a huge black puddle on the road. It pulled my whole truck to the right and I almost didn't get it under control fast enough. Just past the puddle, I saw someone who wasn't so lucky. His car was crumpled up in a ball on the wall to the base. I stopped to help him and amazingly, the only part of the car not smashed beyond recognition was the driver door. The guy got out with little-to-no trouble and seemed dazed but not too badly injured other than some cuts on the face. The ambulance arrived just as I got him out. I was pretty close to ending up like that guy.

Monday, 12-5-5
Arrived in Melbourne this morning. I drove down here at 3am so I would be here by 7. It would seem that everyone else coming in from out of town uses Monday as a travel day. Oh well, maybe I'll make a good impression. They assign me and another out-of-towner, Lee to Russ who is a really cool guy but I can tell he hates having us shoulder-surfing on him. I don't blame him.
Our company representative here is Aki. He seems to like the progress I'm making already. It's simple stuff but I guess some people don't catch on as quickly. I verified with him that I am working 4 10-hour days and going home on Thursday nights. The 3 day weekends might make up for me being gone all week.

Thanksgiving

Worked in Miami on Monday and Tuesday and on Wednesday I headed to the airport. Caught a plane to Jacksonville and met Teresa in the lobby. We were able to have lunch and hang out for an hour or two before I had to go back inside to catch my flight to Pittsburgh. She showed up with a new suitcase full of clean clothes. She's always so thoughtful. I thought I was just going to have to wash my old ones when I got to Pennsylvania. Not much of an eventful trip up there. I arrived later than scheduled but earlier than expected. I'm always stuck on delayed flights around Thanksgiving. Everyone is on delayed flights when you fly around Thanksgiving.
Got up there around 11pm and it was snowing hard. The snow storm was impressive. As we came in for landing, I was looking out the window and as the wind kept tossing us around, I would swear that our right wing almost tipped the ground. It was actually a pretty scary landing. I honestly thought we'd clip something. I walked out into the parking lot with snow raining down on me like a waterfall. It was beautiful to see. The drive back to Sigel was ugly. The snow just kept coming and the roads were getting worse. I loved it. I woke up this morning just off the beach, it was 82degree by 9am and I'll go to sleep in 2' of snow and it will be below zero.
Aside from a guard-rail swipe, we didn't see any wrecks until the last leg of the trip. Only a few miles from the house, we saw a few patrol cars by an upside-down Jeep in the ditch. I guess it's true, most accidents happen within a few miles of home. They just didn't specify whose home. And that's a bad statistic anyway. Most of your driving is within a few miles of your home. Almost every trip you take has a beginning and ending at your home, wouldn't you think that the roads within a few miles of your home should constitute the vast majority of your driving time? So to say that most accidents happen within a few miles of your home is like saying that most accidents involve motor vehicles. Sure, occasionally you'll see two people on foot crash into one another at top speed but for the most part, they're in cars or their not called accidents... Maybe I've had too much coffee today.

I had a great visit. Visited with relatives and had a lot of fun. I actually rode a toboggan down a hill and into the woods. I haven't done that in years. I wish I had more time up here. Now I'm in the airport headed home. Delay, delay, delay. Yeah, I know. Hartsfield Airport sucks. Had we been held up in Pittsburgh, I wouldn't be so upset but we made it out just in time before the weather hit so now that we're away from the weather, why can't I get a flight to Jacksonville? Freaking schedules and planes coming in from the north, I just want to get home!
The flight from Atlanta to Jax was cool. We skirted by a lightning storm. I hadn't seen one in the air before. The whole sky lights up in these beautiful hues of orange and pink. The lightning bounces between the clouds and you don't hear a thing. I arrived in Jacksonville at 12:30am. Teresa picked me up and we were at the house by 1am. By 6am I was awake and out the door to catch my next flight to Miami. I'll be home Wednesday night and Larry wants me in Melbourne on Thursday. I told him that I was available to go to Melbourne on Monday but I am staying in Jacksonville until then. "My family is more important than this job and if I have to lose one of them, it's no a no contest decision." He seemed to understand and assigned me to "local inventory" for Thursday and Friday. He really is a good boss to work for, it's just become a job that means travel and that doesn't fit me very well.

Sunday, 11-20-5
Woke up and got dressed around 9:00. I heard housekeeping down the hall so I wanted to be ready to get out when they knocked. Talked with T on the phone. Gods how I miss her!!! Dozed a little and there came the knock at 11. I got up and went out for another day of checking out the locals. I sat in a little street cafe while it rained a little. I talked with the owner for a while. He's only been open for a week but he thinks he can make it work. He says the sheer volume of people makes it possible. Kind of makes me wonder about T wanting to open something in Pa. Not many people up there. But then, they've got to have some places, why not ours? He says one of the keys is to be happy all the time. No one wants to come in to a business with unhappy people. Even if you just got punched in the face, your wife served you divorce papers, and your dog died; you've got to smile. Yeah, T can do that. We can be in the middle of screaming at each other, crying and yelling but if that phone rings; "Hello?" all smiles without the slightest trace of stress. Then, as soon as she hangs up, it starts back up. I think she can be happy for her customers. If it's her own business, the smiles will be genuine.

Saturday, 11-19-5
I was awakened by my phone this morning. The NETCO tech from Jacksonville called me. He wanted to let me know that he heard a position was opening up in Tampa and wanted me to be the first to hear about it. I thanked him but declined. If I am moving, it will not be to Tampa. See, these are the kinds of phone calls Carl will NOT get. Every time I get to doubting myself, I get a realization like this that just tells me that I am not a bad guy.
I was awake and lying there for 20 minutes when housekeeping knocked. I got up and walked out to the beach. It really is beautiful here. I can see why they flock to the beach. Clear green water for a few hundred yards giving way to the ocean blue. When it rushes in and hits the beach, you can see the sand in it but before that split second where it rolls back out, it is perfectly clear. Concession stands right on the sand, thousands of the same umbrellas, chairs and cabanas out on the sand and this was a public beach. Very few people out there right now. There's a storm coming. A nice breeze is blowing but it is still too hot to be wearing these jeans.
My cough is coming back but the sore throat of the strep is completely gone. I walked over to the pharmacy to pick up some razors, NyQuil and some bottled water. I'm getting irritated by some of the people around me but I let it go. I guess stupidity is universal. I drop off my stuff at the room (still not made up) and head out to get lunch.
I stopped at a little luncheonette that was very busy earlier. Always a good sign. I couldn't make out much of the menu as most of it was in Spanish. I knew what the words meant but wasn't familiar enough with the culture to know what it was. "Media Noche" Sandwich. A Midnight sandwich? What is that? I asked the lady and she told me, ham, turkey, pickles (lots of pickles) and mustard on Cuban flat bread. "OK" I said, "I'll try that". She asked what I wanted to drink and I just pointed to an unfamiliar red can and said, "whatever that is". She smiled and I told her I wanted to taste everything new. She was serving another customer while I waited for the sandwich and she said, "OK, you want to try new things, here!" and dropped a tiny empty creamer cup in front of me. She poured a little coffee in it and said, "drink". I gave the salute to her and the other customer and did my first shot of espresso. We all had a laugh at the face I made. I wasn't expecting it to make me react like that. It was good though. I paid for my lunch (and the other guy's espresso) and went back out to the beach to eat.
Spent much of the day just walking around and watching the people. I must have been in 15 different art galleries now. Some of them were good, some not so good. I try to be open and look at things oddly but I just didn't understand the artist's concept of having a nude woman lying on the floor with a plate of broccoli and completely surrounded by loaves of Wonder Bread. Maybe I'm just not cool enough for this. There were some other people that just stood there and held their chins making the, "hmmm" sound. I don't think they really got it either, they just wanted to look like they did. The artist came over and "no-touch" kissed them on each cheek while babbling something about Federico's party last night. OK, time to leave, I'm DEFINITELY not cool enough to be here. I was much more comfortable in the more conventional art galleries. Some of them got pretty weird, but none made me feel like I was an extra in a bad 80's movie.
Ate a $35 steak tonight at Locando Sibilla. I have to say, it was tasty. It was good enough to say that if T and I were here and I was paying my own way instead of being on an expense report, I'd go back and have it again.

Friday, 11-18-5
They all told me that traffic would be a bear coming in from the beach. 45 min to an hour and a half for the 15 mile drive. So I got up early and drive in at 6:15. I was at then ARTCC by 6: 40. I guess it gets worse closer to rush hour. I'd rather be early and convey a profession attitude than walk in late and blame traffic.
More of the same from Carl. Nice guy but he needs to relax and realize, these guys HAVE the job already. All the stalling and secrecy in the world isn't going to stop that. All he's accomplishing is alienating these guys. Burning bridges. Bad idea.
Met Shawn. Waited to see how bad it was going to be. He seemed cool to me. I went into the field and worked with him the rest of the day, and now I know, Carl is full of shit. Shawn is one of the cooler cats I've met in a while. He's a drummer and really into freestyle jazz. I'm learning a lot of ideas from him. He's got a full rig of percussion. Congas, timbales, chimes, blocks, etc. We are planning on getting together in Jacksonville at some point. I told him about our regular Friday night drum circle and he wants to come play. He's also beginning to sound like he's really been around. Some of the things he says and the way he says them, this dude's got some experiences I'd like to learn about. Anybody can say they play and some people can actually play. This cat's a drummer through and through.
We had to break for lunch and he took me to a little hole in the wall type place that had some excellent chicken, black beans and rice. I drank something called Golden Kola and finished it all off with some fried bananas. Man that was a great lunch. I told him about not wanting to eat at freaking Burger King when places like this were around and he laughed, said he felt the same way. I told him about a buddy of mine who told me about one of his trips. He was in St. Louis with 2 other contractors he didn't know real well. They went to dinner together and he was really looking forward to trying local food. St. Louis ribs. He said they walked down Beal St. and passed a lot of cool looking places and he wanted to stop. The other 2 guys kept telling him, "No man, you've got to try this place we found last night." So they kept walking and passing all these cool "blues" joints. Finally they arrived at the restaurant. The Hard Rock Cafe! He was pissed! His only night in St. Louis and he ate at the Hard Rock.
Shawn and I finished up our work and planned to meet at a club later tonight. He said it's a cool little place with live bands. We should get together around 9 or so. I went back to the hotel to get cleaned up and rest a little. At 7:00 Carl calls me on the cell to ask how the day went. I told him we got very little done because of the NOCC but we did all we could. He then asks me if I've had dinner yet. I told him no and he said he wanted to make sure I knew where all the cool restaurants were, he could give me directions to the Hard Rock Cafe if I wanted them. I swear I'm not making that up. Of all the restaurants he could have picked, he chose that one. Shawn must have put him up to it.

I fell asleep and must have missed Shawn's call. I see he called at 7:30. Bummer, it's 10:30 and too late to call him. I got dressed and walked over to Lincoln Road.
Lincoln Road is South Beach's answer to Bourbon St. It's a huge party atmosphere and people are there to be seen. Some are in tuxedos, some are in shorts and others are in jeans. Nobody looks out of place. A mix of everything. I saw 2 Lamborghini's and at least 10 Ferrari's. Dozens of tricked out Hummers, Navigators, Lexus and BMW and lots and lots of limos. But the ones that impressed me the most were the simple black Mercedes. I'm not normally a fan of Mercedes but the simple elegance surrounded by all this flash just looked classy. People pulling into the valet at these really fine hotels and clubs. It was cool.
I walked up and down the mall to see everything and finally sat down for dinner. I ate at Sushi Siam and had some of the best Sake I've ever had. The sushi was excellent. But the best was the view. I sat right out there on the walk way and saw everyone as they paraded by. Some nodded, some smiled, it was strange to be sitting there interacting with all these people. Strange but in a good way. While I was eating, I saw Andy Garcia with a few other people. No one was bothering him, I've heard they can do that here. People do the celebrity watch here but they don't rush up on them. Nice.

Thursday, 11-17-5
They want me to get on that!?! I should have known something was wrong when they said they would be boarding my flight through the emergency exit stairwell rather than the walk-way to the plane. We walk out onto the tarmac and there sits a really old looking twin-prop airplane. Not a jet, an airplane. OK, cool, something new.
The flight was almost just like any other. A little more turbulence but not much more. The most noticeable is how long it took to climb and descend. Normally, I can only see the cool "miniaturized" people and houses just around the airport. But in this thing, I was able to spot individual cars on the Matthews Bridge. If the flight path was just a little more to the east, I could have spotted my house.
Coming into Miami was the same thing, we flew over the beach and it looked just like I saw from TV. Beautiful. Something was wrong though, the water was green and blue instead of Jacksonville's natural brown. I saw the houses and was amazed at the field of blue! Every house has a swimming pool and half the houses have tarps on the roofs from the hurricane damage. Katrina caused a little as it passed through but Wilma really kicked the shit out of this place. Driving out of the airport I could still see a lot of damage. Blown over signs, trees, damaged planes, everything. Carl was telling me about the lines for gas and no power for a week but to see it is pretty amazing. Most of life is back to normal but the damage is still evident. It is really strange to see an entire forest leaning at a 45degree angle.
Met Carl at McDonalds and had breakfast. He told me about all the stuff we were in for this week. How nasty the NETCO techs could be and to really be on the lookout for our tech Shawn. He is really trouble and refuses to work. When confronted, he'll play the race card, be careful around him, he's trouble.
When we get to the ARTCC, Shawn was out in the field working but I meet the NETCO techs and they seem absolutely cool to me. Friendly and ready to help. Carl, on the other hand, treats everything as private and confidential. We're all sitting at the table/desk and we decide we need to run some cables under the floor. Ritchie (NETCO) says he'll help us run the cables. Carl asks me to come with him. We walk ten feet away and he starts telling me about the cables. It's going to be Ritchie's site in 14 days but Carl has to have a secret meeting about something as simple as running a few cables? Something is up and I think it's Carl.
After spending an hour there it is obvious that Carl has a real Napoleon Complex (I'd guess he's around 4'5"?) He's ordering everyone around and acting like everything is some big secret the NETCO guys can't know and he needs to make sure that all the tools are locked up and out of NETCO's reach. These guys are really cool and I can't see why Carl has ANY trouble with them other than he's just not ready to hand over his job to these guys.
I look at it like this: I heard there was a new contractor coming in, my boss said they would keep me on in some way or another, I looked at what NETCO was offering and their insurance, didn't like it, decided to stay with Raytheon. When the NETCO guy arrived in Jacksonville to take my place, I was nothing but helpful and informative. I gave him all the information I could. I guess Carl has issues.
Carl rode with Bob while I drove the NETCO guys to the storage unit to get some boxes. They are tired of Carl's shit but they are just counting the days until he leaves. They seem to like me and I'm glad. Hearing all the stuff they are saying about Carl, I hope they like me...
Well actually I get the distinct impression that they do. They were discussing NETCO and the next round of hiring. They are starting to hire regional project managers. I told them that I used to do something similar but on a smaller scale and he gave me the guy's phone number. He made me promise not to give it to Carl.

Skipped lunch today, after checking into the hotel and seeing "South Beach" I decided that I wasn't eating at any "chain" restaurants. There's too much cool shit out here! Wow, all the different cultures and styles, why would anyone want to eat at Outback Steakhouse or a TGIFridays when there's so much to see out here?
Yeah, checked into the hotel. It's nice. I guess it was the WWII home of West Point Cadets and their commander, Clark Gable. I've got to check that one out online as soon as I get back in the office on Monday. One block from the beach and one block from the Lincoln Road Mall so parking was $20 per night. I'm paying $120 a night for a room and they way another $20 to park my car at their hotel? Bastards. If I had anywhere else to stay...
Tonight I ate at Bella Cuba. One of the best salads I've had in a long tome. Just a plate of lettuce, vegetables, just like normal but when I ate it, I couldn't believe how good just a salad was. Pine nuts. Remind me to get pine nuts, damn they're good! After the salad, I pushed the salad plate aside, moved the dinner fork over by my wine glass to get it out of the way and just relaxed watching the salsa dancers. Man, this is nice. When the waiter came over to get the plate, he straightened my dinner fork and put it back where it belonged. Well, I guess I'm not fancy enough for "fine dining". I has the swordfish steak for dinner, didn't know there were bones in the center. Ouch. Nope, I'm really not cut out for fine dining.

Wednesday, 11-16-5
Miami
They wanted me in Miami an hour ago. It is Wednesday and I have made plans for a flight to Miami International to arrive at 9:15am tomorrow. I will see Teresa and Becca tonight and then after Teresa drops me off at the airport in the morning I won't see much of them until December. It's only a little more than 2 weeks but it sounds much more dramatic to say it like that.
Larry wants me there over the weekend to handle any call-out troubles. I'll fly back in on Wednesday but I'll never leave the airport. I am flying out to Pittsburgh at 4pm. Lots of airport time on the day before Thanksgiving... No stress there right? I'll get back from Pennsylvania on Monday night, sleep at home and fly back to Miami on Tuesday morning. Luckily, the plan is for me to fly back home Wednesday evening.
I don't really want to go but with all the uncertainty about our jobs, I take it as a good sign that they want to send me to there. Not only will it keep me "gainfully employed" and under the radar but I am also a little excited about WHY I'm going down there. The new contractors weren't ready to take over like they planned. It was not really said but heavily implied that Carl, (the old ASL; my equivalent) is not really up to the challenge of this transition so they are flying me in to kind of take the reigns without really making a fuss out of it. I can do that. I just wish it didn't involve staying over the weekend.
It's started already. I booked the flight and hotel and then found out I have to do all of that on-line through the company website. I couldn't cancel the flight, well, I could but they were charging me for the flight anyway...
I called the on-line reservations because I didn't have a log-on. They booked the car rental but couldn't find a hotel within 100 miles. The hurricane damage has all the hotels booked through FEMA and there is also the Homestead 500 race this weekend. They said it's like the Super Bowl of NASCAR. I wouldn't know. So after much searching, the lady calls me back and says they found a "boutique hotel" on South Beach. I don't know what to expect but it's better than sleeping in the car.

Monday, 11-14-5
Tomorrow is my last day here at the ARTCC. I don't know what that will mean for me. Larry has assured me that, though it may mean travel, I will not be laid off or fired. That's good news I guess. If I have to travel a few months while I find another job (or pack up the house) I can do that. Maybe I'll even like traveling.
The guy taking over here is kind of a worm. A really nice guy face to face, but I get the feeling he'd throw me under the bus in a second. I've given him all the site data, all the drawings, all the tools. I hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot but I figure I may have to re-cross this bridge at some point, may as well be nice.

Early November 2005

I love to hate.
I have quelled the hatred that dwells within me for the time being. I was consumed by hatred for no reason other than for hatred itself. I despised myself and from there it was easy to hate everything beyond me. Hatred was my friend. It was cold but I burned with it all the same. It clung to me and I kept it close. When all else was unattainable, I still had the hate. It was a living breathing entity that I could rely on. It always took my side and backed me up. I was never wrong and I was invincible. Hatred kept me awake at night thinking of all the evil that has been done against me, real and imagined. Hatred reminded me of all the minor infractions perpetrated against me by those who claimed they loved me. Hatred and I made plans. Plans to exact revenge and render payment for all the emotional debt owed to me. I was king of my world and untouchable. Hate elevated me above the world so I would be clear of the dirty rabble beneath me. Those that wanted to hurt me. If I maintained that wall of hate, they could never touch me, never hurt me, never never reach me.

Monday, 11-7-5

What a week!
Went out to the festival site to set up on Sunday. The three tents set up perfectly in the space we wanted. I wasn't so sure we wanted to be in "their" space but Ceph and Zeph insisted it would work. We came home because Monday was Halloween and we always do the "trick-or-treat" thing with Becca and Lizzy. Since Lizzy isn't here this year, breaking the tradition all together would be worse than usual. Teresa isn't taking her Dad and Lizzy being gone very well. School starting without Lizzy hit Teresa like a brick.

Halloween went well. Becca is really happy to let childhood happen. At nine years old, she's still excited about Halloween, Santa Claus and the lot. Either that or she's smart enough to let her father enjoy it. But growing up will happen, and it has already begun. While we were walking around she kept asking if we were near some street that's a few miles away. She said a boy she likes lives on that street. When we got back to the house, we got into the van and I drove around trying to find this kid's house. She didn't know which one it was so we ended up driving around and going home but it was a little strange already hitting that stage where I'm driving her around to see her "boyfriend" even if it is just for trick-or-treat.

Tuesday morning I met Dianne to do the shopping for festival. The initial "big" trip eats up the whole day by way of shopping, loading, driving back to site, unloading and putting away. By Wednesday morning everything was in place and we got started as usual. Things went better than normal this time. I still don't get to see as much of the festivities as I'd like to but that's mostly my fault. I spend most of my time in the kitchen or trying to catch a little sleep. But the kitchen is running much smoother. I don't know if we are getting better at it or if we've just been lucky but whatever it is, I'll take it.

Teresa and Becca were out early so they got to enjoy it without feeling "rushed". Teresa brought out a mountain of fudge for dessert. That always goes over well. The fudge never lasts long, people devour it. We walked around for a little while and made it over to Panther's camp where Cephlian had arranged for Becca to receive her first drum. She was overwhelmed and excited to play a few things she has learned. She's really stuck on triplets and loves to show that off.
Friday night was the epitome of coolness. Emerald Rose played on the pavilion and we all danced and had a great time. Zephyr, Cephlian, Becca, Teresa and I just kept singing and smiling. Teresa really looked happy. That is what it is all about for me. I think I may be a little screwed up here because my entire focus is on her. When she's happy, I'm happy. When she's not, I'm miserable. I need to learn how to be a little less dependant on her for my moods but for now, she was happy and all is right in the world.

I knew had to be off-site on Saturday so Friday would be my only night of drumming with everyone. I got in there and played like there was no tomorrow, because there wasn't. I had an interesting thing happen to me. I'll have to ask a few people what it means because I don't know. When I really get into playing, I close my eyes. I see the glow of the fire and the shadows of the dancers. Even when a dancer is directly in front of me, I still see the fire around them. Except for one. I was drumming and enjoying the circle when all of a sudden I saw nothing at all and felt cold. I opened my eyes and saw the fire and the dancers were still there. OK, weird. Back into playing, eyes close again, BAM!, same feeling. When I opened my eyes this time, I noticed the same dancer in front of me as last time. Sure enough, when I got back into it, she stopped me cold again. It's like a black hole around her. Yeah, my eyes are closed and it is cold out but normally I feel the warmth and see the glow. Absolutely nothing around her. And not to be rude, she's a slender woman so it's not like she's physically blocking the heat/light. Every time she came around, I felt it. I don't know what it means but there it is.

We drummed and danced for hours and during one of the breaks all of the new drummers or new drums were asked to come up and "birth" their drums into the community. Becca stood right up there with everyone and smiled with her drum. I was one proud papa. By that time it had gotten late and was bitterly cold. Teresa and Becca had a long drive tomorrow so they turned in. I followed shortly after.

Saturday morning, Teresa and Becca got up at 6am and drove to Atlanta. I would follow with a 2pm flight from Jacksonville to Atlanta. Her brother had an event going on that night that I didn't want to miss. If it made me leave that festival site and pay $200 for a plane ticket, it was THAT important to me that I attend. Almost nothing could drag me from festival but sometimes, conflicting schedules demand that you pick and choose. I compromised by still going to festival, but having to leave site on my favorite day.
I didn't hear about it until later but Teresa had a mishap trying to leave. She got out of the truck to open the gate and forgot to put it in park. The truck knocked over the gate and scared the hell out of T. She said she got in front of the truck to hold it back. We're lucky it didn't turn out badly. She was a little shaken and the gate was put right without any trouble.
I got up at 6 with them and headed to the kitchen. After breakfast we immediately got started on dinner. By the time dinner was in the roasters and cooking, it was time for lunch. Serving lunch is almost never a problem. After the bulk of it was done, I bolted for the showers and headed to JIA to catch a plane. I slept most of the way to Atlanta but that didn't stop the guy next to me from telling me all about rebuilding his 69' Camaro. Oh well, I guess I looked like I gave a shit. It couldn't have been further from the truth but I smiled and listened as I tried not to snore. Hopefully, we'll land or crash soon so this guy will stop talking.

The show was fun. We had a wonderful evening and I am so happy we made the trip up for it. By the time we were done in Atlanta it was close to 11pm. We got in the truck and headed south. Teresa and I traded off driving and made it most of the way home before we just couldn't go any further. We pulled over at a rest stop and caught a few minutes rest before starting out again. Most of the time, a small cat nap works but this time it only made things worse. Now we were trading off every 20 minutes. We finally arrived back on site just in time for me to start cooking Sunday breakfast. Teresa and Becca wandered to the tent to get some much needed sleep. From what I heard from everybody about how things ran last night, the kitchen seems to run so much smoother without me here. Somehow, I knew that all along.

Late October 2005

We played poker Friday night as usual. It was a good time. My brother Jeff came into town and I am totally booked for almost every second until 2 weeks from now. Luckily, he plays poker and he came along so I got to see him. He is loud and obnoxious just as all we Morgan men are but there was a moment where I realized Jeff pushes the edge further than I do.
Whenever I get around Jeff, I end up using "language other than the King's English" more so than usual (and that's a lot normally). I was kind of poking fun with Teresa whenever she'd utter a foul word after a bad hand, most of the time under her breath but sometimes at the top of her voice. So, it got to the point where I realized it was getting ugly, a regular swear-fest. So I told Jeff, "Dude, you've used up all the swear words, I'm all out of them!" Being the kind, caring individual he is, he decided to share some with me. "Here, you can use one of mine... XXXX!!!!!" As he screamed out the foulest of fouls, it was that moment in a busy room where everyone is quiet all at once. Had it been ANY of the other words, it may have been rudely funny, mildly amusing. But he yelled out the one word that even I don't use, except about one certain person, and even then never around mixed company. I just sat there saying nothing. There was nothing to say. The rest of the night passed smoothly but at that moment, I was freaked out.

The rest of the night may have passed smoothly but it was not without incident. It's a $5 buy in and I ended the night with $7 in chips and came out with $2. How? Because I'm an idiot. Teresa and I are the bank and we break out the chips. I count out the chips and Teresa takes in the $5 as I push out the chips. The last 2 times we played, we came up short at the end of the night. It was always and even $5 so we figured we somehow forgot to get someone's money. This time we were very careful to make sure it was done right and we still came up short. Then we all saw how.
10 white(5c), 10 red(10c), 10 blue(25c) and 3 green(50c)
I was giving out $5.50 in chips!
How this happened I don't remember. One day we were all figuring out the best way to sort the chips. Of course all the addition was in our head because it was SOOO simple. We must have made the mistake then and never recounted or questioned it since. I feel so stupid. My Father was right, if I don't master mathematics, I will make less money in the real world. That much was proven on the poker table...

BUT, I have another story that makes me happy and makes me really not care about the poker money.

Yesterday, I went on my first "galaxy dive". Wade and Dianne have been talking about it for so long, I was hoping it was as good as they say... It was better. It was one of those things that you can NOT describe to someone else. But I will try.
We took about 12 glow sticks and cut them open. Dumped the contents into a water bottle and shook it. You end up with a huge glow stick. Wade stuck it into his belt and we dove down into the cavern at Ginnie Springs. It's between 40'-45' to the bottom and pitch black without our flashlights. We all got into position. I was lagging behind a bit because I was having minor clearing issues. Wade was at the grating where the spring flows in. Wade, Steve, Walker and I all turned off our flashlights and Wade pulls out the bottle. It was very bright in the darkness. He pulled the cap and swished it around in the flow. The "glow juice" came out and it looked cool. Kind of like a nebula. Impressive. Not the amazing coolness I had heard about but still, very cool. Then it started to separate. The glow juice split apart and formed little droplets that went in EVERY direction. Imagine being in the very middle of one of the big Disney mortar fireworks. I couldn't believe how awesome it was, truly awesome. I was struck so hard, I yelled "Holy Shit that's awesome!" with my regulator still in my mouth. Later, Wade told me that was the first time he not only knew who was talking, but what they said, while underwater.
After it split apart, we swam into it. With the weightlessness, it really was like floating amongst the stars. You couldn't catch any of the droplets because they just slipped through your fingers. That gave it more of that elusive feeling; you can't hold the stars in your hand. Eventually, they started to settle, falling into the ridges and lines in the sand.
It really can't be described. Teresa said she'd never dive and I told her I'd never push it but this one experience makes me want to get her diving.

Late October 2005

Wood. It has a good feel to it. "Warmth" is the word a lot of people use. I have a friend that prefers the metal/glass look, almost Spartan (at least he USED to). He doesn't like the look of wood furniture.
I like the metal/glass look myself but wood just has something that metal can't. There's no life in metal. No spirit. Wood has a thousand stories, even if we can't hear them. From the tree, the build, the life and the disposal of whatever it is we create, wood bears these scars and is more interesting for it.
I never thought too much about it before but I've been helping out on a woodworking project this week. We (everyone) are building an altar for the festival. Most of what I've been working on is the inlay. It has so many different woods in it, some I never heard of. Lace wood, purpleheart, yellowheart, rosewood, a really cool orange one that I don't remember the name of (Paduch I think?). I ordered a piece of holly and a piece of bobinga and they fit in nicely. It's such a good feeling to cut, shape and sand the wood all with a picture in your head of where it will go in the final project. It's almost like you are working with the earth and tree that supplied the wood. It's very soothing.
It's so much nicer to work on projects when you have all the right tools. Another thing that makes it easier is working with someone that has the knowledge on how to USE all these cool tools as well as the patience to show a novice like me how to use them.
I'm really looking forward to seeing this finalized. There is a spirit in this project. We've all added our sweat and energy to the wood's spirit and it has become... well, it has become. It is alive. Something steel, glass and iron can't do (unless Stephen King gets involved).

Late October 2005

I just don't know how to feel right now. The stage is all set for me to be in a good mood. The weather has turned cool (for the moment), the job has pretty much been saved for now, everything is actually going relatively well, (did I mention the weather?) but I just don't feel it. I did. For about an hour. I was all but jumping up and down, ready to have one of my "good" days. But then, all of a sudden, a domino chain fell and I just have a cloud of hate around me again. It's such a shame because I really don't want to waste this weather. I'd rather be outside, having a good time. But I just don't feel it. I want to sit in a dark room with a revolver, contemplating the odds of 1:6. The fact that I am wasting this cold snap is making things worse. I can't pull myself out of it. I want to die a slow cruel death so that I can say I experienced something real in this life. Something honest. So far, everything has been fluff and I don't know what real life is anymore.

Mid October 2005

Been working in Tampa a lot recently. Hotel troubles, traffic in a strange city, unfulfilling work load. So much fun, it makes me want to drive right off this bridge and see if the van can fly (or at least swim)
I'd rather be at home. I'd rather be on vacation. I'd rather be dead.
At least when I'm home, I'm too busy to think. I've got to do this or that and there is so very little time to ruminate on what I've become, or more truthfully, what I've failed to become.
Dreary outlook on a dismal situation. Worse than having no way out, I have lots of options, and no balls to take any of them. So here I wallow in my own misery, created by my lack of motivation, enhanced by my cowardice, solidified by my mounting failures.

Early October 2005

The Yankees are in the playoffs. I guess that makes this October already then? Some people can tell time without a watch, I don't notice the months passing by until October. Baseball playoffs and the beginning of Hockey season. Soon we will have our first cold-snap and I will start to really feel it; the passage of time, another year gone...
Time really flies by quietly when you're busy. I did a little rearranging in the den last night because I didn't like the way the computer desk was orientated after adding in that second monitor. I had the game on while I did it and realized it was only the 3rd or 4th game I had watched in its entirety all year. Cephlian came in and asked if I had brain damage (referring to me watching baseball). I told him I was only watching it because there wasn't a hockey match on the TV tonight. We laughed.
Some people just don't get baseball. They say it is too slow, too boring. I don't see their point. It's not boring if you know what's going on. OK, to the casual observer it may appear boring but to a fan, there is a lot going on. I'm not one of those that overdo it. I can't rattle off stats and I don't watch every single game (too much going on to do that) but I grew up on baseball and it is in my blood.

My mother and father say I was brought home from the hospital in a New York Yankees blanket. I grew up in northeast Connecticut and I've been to Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park before I could talk. Everyone in my neighborhood was a Red Sox fan. My father used to make my friends take off their Red Sox hats before entering our house. It wasn't because you weren't supposed to wear a hat indoors; it was only because it was a Red Sox hat.
I remember once, going into New York to watch the Yankees play the Red Sox on July 3rd. I was only 11 years old and it's the only time I remember my sister coming with us. We were going to go the next day on July 4th but somehow we switched our tickets. Something about a car give-a-way.

It was hot and there was very little breeze that day. Don Mattingly was on 1st but we didn't know him back then. He was #46 not his now famous #23. Lou Pinella was in right and Dave Winfield in Left. Out seats had us just over Winfield's shoulder right on the concrete wall. There was some drunk that kept yelling at Winfield. All kinds of nasty insults. You could tell that Dave heard them and if I remember correctly, actually turned around to glare once. The next inning, Winfield comes to bat and the drunken guy is yelling, "Come on Dave baby hit it to me, I've always loved ya!" Gotta love those morons, they build the atmosphere in the crowd as much as the hot dog vendor and the guy yelling out, "Beer here!"
The Yankees lost to Boston 3-7 that day. The next day we listened as Dave Righetti threw a no-hitter; the first one since 1956. Later that month was the infamous "pine-tar game" involving George Brett. July 1983 was a busy month I guess. My father says I've been to play-offs and World Series games. I can't say I remember being to any of the memorable games that stick out in history but they were all memorable to me.

Reload Back to Updates