Crap I learned during my home-bound incarceration and forced viewing of the Consumer Bowl.
Beer should not sound like a breakfast cereal. I’m not a big beer drinker and I know the ingredients include wheat, barley and hops but somehow “Bud Light Golden Wheat” sounds disgusting. Even if I were in the mood for a beer, I can’t imagine ever wanting to drink something that sounds like it should come with a glass of orange juice and a sliced banana.
Fat white guys in their underwear are suddenly “in”. I’m in that demographic and I am disgusted. Two different commercials featuring fat dudes in tighty whiteys. I think I’m going to puke up my Bud Golden Wheaties.
I fucking hate stupid little catch phrases. I’m sick of seeing it, I’m sick of hearing it, I’m tired of the people that insist on using it. We all used the popular catch phrases in our youth. Some of them hang around or even come back into fashion. I really don’t have any problem with people choosing how they represent themselves when they speak, I actually applaud it. Create your own counter-culture, good for you. And I’m not suggesting they run around asking “Of whom do you speak?” But the next fucker that screams “Who dat?” in my ear is getting stabbed in the fucking eye with a #2 pencil. Team catch phrases are not my arena so who am I to judge? But somehow this one makes me think old vaudeville shows and black-face makeup. I don’t care how innocent it may be, to me, seeing a white football fan scream “Who dat?” is tantamount to me singing each and every lyric when I listen to NWA in public. Sure I absolutely don’t mean any offense, but if some guy hears me singing “nigga this…” and “nigga that…” and he pulls me from my car and sets me on fire, I’ll understand why…
According to the ad, French girls are cheap and easy and I can use Google to help me get laid in Paris. The ad was nothing but a series of searches. “How to impress French girls”, “Where to buy chocolate”, “Hotels in Paris”, “Wedding chapels in Paris”, “How to build a crib”… Some people took away a nice romantic story about falling in love, I imagined a tawdry tale that started out much like Sade’s “Justine” and ended like a Georgia trailer park shotgun wedding with a six month pregnant Parisian bride…
Covering iconic rock songs is wrong, but forgivable. Your version (or “remix”) of an iconic song sounding almost identical to the original is stupid and wrong but forgivable. Changing the lyrics to any iconic song is wrong and while not exactly forgivable, it doesn’t warrant the death sentence. However, changing the lyrics of “My Generation” from “I hope I die before I get old” to “Don’t wanna die young I wanna get old” is punishable by tortures only imagined in the darkest pits of the neither-regions. FUCK this bothered me ALL NIGHT!!! This song was raw, it was legendary, it was a middle finger in the face of the squares! And you have besmirched it with your lyrics of mediocrity. You must suffer. You must atone for your sin against rock and roll. I hereby initiate a bounty on William Adams from the Black Eye’d Peas. (No disintegrations) Attention world; I have $3.12 on me right now, bring be the head of will.i.am frozen in carbonite! Okay, maybe a bit too harsh… Bring him to me alive and we’ll lock him in a room and play his own music at him until he pees his pants and promises never to do it again. (Once again the voice of reason in my head sounds like Rollins…)
While we’re on the subject, Roger, dude, you’re 65 years old. Once you qualify for social security it’s time to stop rallying against the man. Maybe you should have followed Keith’s lead and maybe you should have died before you got old… Actually, The Two did better than I thought they would. He can’t hit the same notes he made famous over forty years ago and he looks like someone’s grandmother on her way to a game of bridge. Pete was overacting and looked like he was desperate to be “cool” again. But they could have sounded worse. Actually Roger Daltry HAS sounded worse recently so, not as bad as it could have been. The sound tech should be fired for making it obvious that he got a LOT of help on the scream at the end of Won’t Get Fooled Again. We all knew it was coming, after hearing what shape his voice was in we all knew there was no way he was going to hit that scream alone but it didn’t need to sound so obvious. Kind of like kicking an old man, live, in front of millions of viewers… fuckhead! You sucker punched him. That man has rocked more than you ever will and that band helped create every rock and roll cliche you’ll ever see. Respect your elders!
Also, the CSI franchise has ruined one of my favorite classic bands. I can’t hear any Who song anymore without thinking about sexy forensic analysts doing DNA tests (without hairnets or gloves) in twenty minutes or less.
But can we get someone relevant to play a halftime show? This coming from a guy who hates modern pop music and loves bands like The Who… But this is a nationwide event and you’re trying to attract as many people as you can, why not get a band that has put out new material in the last ten years to play the biggest gig in television advertising? Is it because the people attending the actual game are old people? I just don’t understand how Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and The Who are considered for gigs like this when none of them have put out anything resembling music in recent history? Hey shit, I’d rather watch The Who or even Prince but honestly, They aren’t relevant. Let some modern music stars play the gig, dinosaurs went extinct a while back, bring out the new blood. I’d better be careful what I ask for. If they’re playing The Who and Paul McCartney, they might think the new bands are Kansas, Asia and The Eagles…
GoDaddy.com just can’t make a good commercial. They play around for ten seconds, a woman threatens to tear off her shirt and then it freezes and goes to the text ad which says go to their website to see more and then adds a line about “Warning: web content is uncensored”. I thought they sold domain registrations and shit, when the fuck did they get into the porn business? Respect level dropping. Not because of the porn aspect, I love porn. But because they could have done a better job on the commercial and more to the point, I think it’s a stupid ad and a cheap shot. Lame.
How did the Colts lose? Each of them has a lucky horseshoe on their helmet. Two of them actually! This led to Becca and I debating who would win in a race, a horse with four lucky horseshoes or a rabbit with four lucky rabbit’s feet? I won because I said the rabbit has a leprechaun jockey making him twice as lucky as the horse…
The chicken wings were good, so were the K-rab sandwiches. The shrimp were perfect. Sitting with Becca and Teresa while making fun about everything we saw on television was just what I needed. We laughed at the stupid commercials, told the local news lady to fuck off when she wants us to take a temper test with her tomorrow. We “awwwed” at the Clydesdale commercials (as usual) and Teresa’s team of choice won the game. It was a good night.
But seriously guys, $3.12, it’s all I’ve got but you can claim this mighty prize as well as my undying affection if you can make will.i.am publicly admit he was wrong for fucking around with an anthem. I get it, he wanted to change the lyric to represent his new generation… go write your own fucking song then! Mister rapper/songwriter… If you’re so damn good, go write something that still resonates with people 45 years after its release!
FUCK! I can tell this one is going to bother me for a long time… I’m going to bed.
For those of you following along, I played along with Teresa and my brother doing football picks this year. As a reminder, Jeff is the methodical, highly researched football scholar who makes picks based on specific details and week to week changes. I pick teams based on my personal feelings about the city or the mascot. I really could make all my picks for the entire season on day one. Teresa picks teams based on the sexyness of the quarterback and the pretty colors of the team. She also NEVER bets against the Jaguars.
The website we played on was one that included the point spread. I won’t be doing that next year. I hate the point spread, a win is a win and it shouldn’t matter by how much.
Here’s how it broke down:
Jeff and Teresa missed one week each. I did not.
My total points: 136
Teresa’s points: 126
Jeff’s points: 114
So if you delete one of my average weeks, Teresa and I are within a few points of each other. And we beat the crap out of the statistician. I’m not trying to rub it in but that’s real funny to me. The guy who hates football and the girl who doesn’t care about stats both made significantly better picks than the guy who knows everything. And it’s not that Jeff made bad picks, according to the website his picks were better than 69% of the rest of the players (remember, he also missed a week). Teresa was 85.7% and I was 95.7%
It kind of makes my point that football is a game of luck. In baseball and hockey the best team is decided by repeated games throughout the season, a series of playoffs including a “best of five” format and then a championship of “best of seven”. The better team comes out on top. In football, you can have one bad game, one bad play, and your entire season can come crashing down around you. Seems to me like a silly thing to put your energy into. But then, I’ve put my time into worse…
Why is it that I keep erasing my blogging before I hit “publish”? Why am I afraid to spout off about something that angers me for fear of offending someone? Isn’t this the place to spew my frustration without the worry of hurting someone’s feelings or offending someone? Oh screw it.. this time I won’t hit delete….
I am thoroughly disgusted with the stereotypical white trash hoochie momma’s that think it’s alright to steal from the government and get away with it. It totally ticks me off to go to Wal-mart and stand in line behind a woman who just recently left the hair salon with her freshly created weave and her brand new 3 inch decorated nails wearing her designer outfit standing with her 3 children with a cart full of name brand items only to hand over her WIC check at the end of her purchase to pay for her milk, bread, cheese and juice. Why the fuck is it okay for her to have T-Bone steaks, Rib eyes, Coke products, Folgers coffee, Tide laundry detergent and Oscar Meyer bacon and a carton of MARLBORO cigarettes and then be allowed to have the government to pay for her diary products? Is this fair? WHAT THE HELL? We’re so broke we don’t have a pot to piss in, we had to stop eating our OREO’s and settle for choco-cremes, we can’t have Dr. Pepper, we have to settle for Dr. Thunder and this bitch gets her T-BONE and free milk? That’s just total bull-shit! I’m so tired of this, I see it more and more every time I hit a store and it frustrates the hell out of me. I can’t afford to replace my holey underwear but she can wear designer jeans and get her “hair did” Hell, I’m so full of grey hair and I can’t even afford a damn bottle of Clairol! GEESH! I really wanted to drop everything and run out to the parking lot to see if she was driving a fucking caddy!
Maybe I’m just aggravated because we’ve had to buckle down and watch every penny. Maybe I’m just mad because I’m so tired of chicken and mac & cheese and that bitch is enjoying her T-bone. Maybe I’m just so fucking tired from a full days work to help earn money for my family that I think it’s just wrong for her to be sittin’ at home watching DAYS OF OUR LIVES and eating her bon bons while my family struggles because we make too much fucking money to get a little assistance in our time of need. I don’t know… Maybe I’m just “mad” and need a straight jacket… Maybe the government needs to find a way to confirm these bitches are really making the money they claim to be making… something just doesn’t seem right…
It was an experiment. In my success, it showed me my failure.
In my haste to drop a post every weekday in January I was concerned that toward the end I’d run out of interesting things to say. I’ve listened to podcasts and read blogs that made the attempt to post 365 days in a row. Some of them are good but you can always tell when they are posting “placeholder” content that did nothing but fulfill the need to keep the streak going. That’s not a bad thing but I didn’t want to really do that since my experiment was only to see if I could do it for one month.
But it did get me to thinking about what I’m posting up here. It made me realize that I’m keeping two separate logs. There’s the “blog safe” public writings and then there’s the stuff I never publish. If you think I occasionally get ugly here, you should see what oozes onto the screen when you can’t see…
I thought, “Why not just put the real me out there in the blog?” I’ve got a lot of my ranting and bitching out there and I’ve got a lot of my kind-hearted frustrations out there but I have very little “me” out there. It’s not like I have a “brand” to ruin, there are only a handful of people reading this, why not expose myself a little further and allow some of my inner-turmoil to boil to the surface?
I started with what I felt was a rather innocuous post (Jan 29) that didn’t apologize for being dark. I just allowed the voice to say what it wanted to say and moved on. Some people got it, some didn’t. The point of making that post is that I am tired of having to be “up” all the time. I think a lot of us are. The world expects us to be happy or pleasant at all times. Those of us who embrace the darkness are shunned by you Eloi. I stopped posting status messages on Facebook because it’s all a lie. Either you can be cute or you can be witty, but you can never be dark…
Some of us have deeper and darker holes than others and some of us are hard to tolerate when we’re down. Inconsolable self pity is a bitch of a wall to get through!
Some television shows go on too long. They said what they had to say and then they go on for years with empty shows. I’m either going to start pouring a little of my true self into this blog or maybe it’s time to call it done. Nothing more pathetic than a show that’s been over years before they finally take it off the air. I’m not saying this will become the “Dark Hole of Doom” or anything but I’m no longer going to run the “Super-Happy-Fun-Blog-of-Sunshine”!
Looking back you’re probably thinking, “What the hell is he talking about? He’s bitched, he’s been morose and he’s been gloomy!” Yeah, but I was always holding back. I will no longer pretend to be happy when I’m not and I will not apologize for that.